Tranvestites

The Transvestite (Scientific name: Tranis preopus) is a sub-species of the Tranny genus. The key difference between these and the Tranis postopus, or Transexual, is that only the latter can keep the illusion going whilst semi-naked.

Ignore this graph at your peril.

Admit it, 10 beers and you'd fall for it every time.

Just The Facts

  1. Transvestites are sometimes known as crossdressers. This is actually incorrect, as a crossdresser will reveal themself BEFORE getting to the bedroom.
  2. Female transvestites only exist in order to further their careers.
  3. For lads, pulling a transvestite accidentally is only favourable to pulling two transvestites accidentally.

How To Become A Transvestite

Obviously, as a red-blooded male, you want to be sexually successful. However, as a Cracked reader, you are 99% likely to be completely repulsive to women. What can you do to solve this, you ask? Why, become a Transvestite of course! Why not simply become gay? Because its gay, were you not listening on the school playground?

So, you've swallowed your manhood and realised your only opportunity to be involved in a somewhat heterosexual relationship is to pretend to be a woman. Here is what you need to do now:

  • Buy women's clothing that no woman would ever wear. This is the most important part, as unlike those sneaky Transexuals you are not actually trying to fool anybody.
  • The same applies to body hair. Shaving your legs is forbidden, and a healthy stubble must be maintained on the upper lip. Bleaching is acceptable, but only if it draws even more attention to the hair.
  • Smoke at least 80 cigarettes a day, as a gruff, manly voice is required.
  • If you are over 6'0'', carry an ironically tiny handbag. If you are under 5'6'', wear lipstick like a clown. Nobody knows why this is the standard behaviour of the Transvestite, but rules are rules.

As a Transvestite, the crucial thing to remember is that you are still proud to be a man. Why any proud male would dress as a female is unclear at this point, but in all honesty, when did logic stop anybody?

Happy confusing!