Conan the Barbarian

Conan is a man who enjoys kicking ass, drinking heavily, and screwing wenches.

This is Conan the Comedian.  It is unresolved who is more destructive to society.

Beat this Ozzie!

Just The Facts

  1. Conan was created by Robert E Howard and was first featured in the short story "The Phoenix in the Sword" back in 1932.
  2. Conan had appeared in everything from books, comic books, movies, TV shows, video games, board games, and every gay man's fantasy.
  3. Two new movies featuring Conan are currently in the works.
  4. James Earl Jones makes a great villian.
  5. Crom is your God, though shalt worship no others before him.

What Goes On

Conan is a barbarian. He kills things in barbaric ways, screws some chick(s) that will later try to kill him, and then passes out in a drunken stupor. Sometimes he does this for money, sometimes he does it for food, most the time he does this for revenge.

Also, I have it on good authority that he is ruler of California.

Conan is what all boys want to be when they grow up, unless they are gay, then they just want to be inside him.

The original Conan stories were written around the same time as Mien Komf, so do not expect a lot of enlightened thinking in them. Still they are worth taking a look at as they form the basis for pretty much any fantasy adventure ever.

What Is Best In Life

To crush your enemies,

see them driven before you,

Tekkaus-IndonesianStampede.jpg image by tekkaus

and to hear the lamentation of their women.

What the Author Has to Say

"Hither came Conan, the Cimmerian, black-haired, sullen-eyed, sword in hand, a thief, a reaver, a slayer, with gigantic melancholies and gigantic mirth, to tread the jeweled thrones of the Earth under his sandaled feet."
- Robert E. Howard, The Phoenix on the Sword, 1932.

If this was written today it would go something like this:

"So Conan rolls up and has black hair and a beat up face. He has a sword. Sometimes he steals, sometimes he raids, sometimes he kills things, all the time he is bipolar. He kicks over thrones and shit and crunches them under his dirty feet, that is why he came by.

E. Howard was apparently a good friend of H.P. Lovecraft (they corresponded at length about how they both could not stand their middle name, so they decided to initialize it), and they would sometimes insert references to each others mythos' in their work.