If Michael Bay Remade Classic Films'

Michael Bay is known for his ability to take ideas he didn't come up with and rape them with a huge CGI penis. He's boned the shit out of great horror movies, Transformers, and tragic historical events. Bottom line is classic cinema lacks explosions.

I like boning shit

The Wizard of Oz (1939)

The Wizard of Oz was a groundbreaking picture, praised for it's special effects and use of Technicolor, if not just an American classic its arguably the definitive American classic . But could you imagine the people in 1939 shitting their fucking pants had they seen the vamped up Michael Bay version of The Wizard of Oz? Picture this, Megan Fox as Dorothy (because honestly can you really jack off to Judy Garland?) and Shia LaBeouf as the scarecrow (because you could totally jack off to that scarecrow!). The Tin Man is replaced with a racist transformer (voiced by Kramer from Seinfeld), and instead of some pussy lion it's John McClane. Imagine the edge of your seat action! The flying monkeys shoot lasers out of their eyes and have fifty foot wingspans with heat seeking missiles attached to them, dropping napalm onto villages of munchkins, burning their sweet innocent souls into perfectly prepared boxes of KFC.

And really could this honestly be any worst than Transformers Revenge of the Fallen?!???

I think it goes without saying that Revenge of the Fallen is easily the worst movie ever made. So any ideas i put to print here are automatically better than Transformers 2.

I mean Christ even The Human Centipede was better than the second Transformers.

Gandhi (1982)

I think if Michael Bay got his hands onto the rights for the Gandhi biopic he'd make only a few subtle changes. Like instead of being a non-violent political leader Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi instead is a futuristic war android with machine guns for arms and a metallic exoskeleton that can resist the temperatures of the sun.

Not to mention Android Gandhi drives a Maserati, and Chris Tucker is his stereotypical "black guy in an action comedy" side kick.


Harvey (1950)

First of all if you have not seen this cinema classic, FUCK YOU, it's an amazing picture. The tale of a man who befriends an invisible six foot tall rabbit, and the social anxiety that accompanies being BFFs with an invisible six foot tall rabbit, this film pretty much laid down the groundwork for warm fuzzy comedies, and has received much recognition for it's charm. As a child I really connected with this movie, seeing as how I had a lot of imaginary friends.

But enough of my sappy Roger Ebert bullshit, if Michael Bay was given the green light to rape this classic James Stewart flick, we'd probablly end up with something like this:

It's a "re-imagining"

The Grapes Of Wrath (1940)

This Great Depression era drama classic/depressing ass movie is need of some serious Hollywood re-invention. I mean this is essentially a road trip movie with no car chases, no boobs, no explosions, no teen drinking, no lesbian make out scenes, and no glitzy special effects. Sure it might be the most culturally significant film/book of it's era, but in the hands of Michael Bay it's a bunch of homeless farmers about to get boned

I sure do like boning!!

Michael Bay is a terrible human being, and it would take a terrible human being to remake this film. But since Bay is already famous for turning American tragedies into terrible Ben Affleck movies we couldn't see him having a problem with putting this one into production.

As Gene Siskel liked to say "this is cinematic knife rape"

West Side Story (1961)

As you'd probably like to note West Side Story was a musical first, as was The Wizard Of Oz, and Harvey was also a stage play. I'd like to take a moment to acknowledge that if Michael Bay ever got his hands on a play or musical it would probably look something like this:

The Theater where Michael Bay debuted his first and last play

Anyways, the hot and modern revamp of West Side Story would be simple textbook douchery for Bay. The Jets would be huge wicked cool morphing Russian fighter jets, and the Sharks would quite obviously be huge, air breathing, land walking man-sharks that would resemble Jesse "The Body" Ventura in his hey day, you make this too easy Michael Bay, you make this too easy.

I like em easy

So when are we gonna see these rad movies you've just described??

Bays gonna start running out of other people's ideas to steal. A Hellraiser reboot would bomb and he knows it, Armageddon 2 would just plain ol' suck, he cant touch the Spielberg or Lucas filmography because they choose to destroy their own collective work, and he still can't convince the studios to do that Pretty Women remake he's been wanting to do for years now. He's soon going to reach a point where he can no longer piss on the graves of thousands of veterans or woo us with his fancy fighting robots. It won't be long before he finds this article and starts typing up a script to Harvey, the story of a psychotic child murdering Easter Bunny that only James Stewart can see. So in short, what I'm trying to say is... May 2011 every movie I just described hits cineplexes everywhere.

I was going to do one on Schindler's List, but I think there's enough tasteless jokes in here for one topic, plus I don't want to piss off Liam Neeson because I hope to one day be the little brother he never had.