What Children's Television Informs Us

So you hear all the time about the satanic messages in Disney songs played backwards, but have you ever sat down and watched the morning cartoons?Here's a quick insight into what those cartoons where able to teach you.

I just wish daddy gave me more attention.

Wow kids! This looks safe!

No? I've never heard of  P.E.T.A? Why?

#3 Rugrats

Okay, so we all remember Rugrats, if you don't know it then either A. Go kill yourself or B. GO KILL YOURSELF. Personally, that was one of my favorite cartoons as a small child, I mean, the kids are bare toddlers, and get to go everywhere. Compared to their parents, my mum was Hitler. The father of the main character Tommy, Stuart Pickles or his incompetent father are often babysitting the kids, and allow them to run wild with the help of Tommy's trusty screwdriver he keeps in his diaper.. wait.. WHAT?!

Yes, he's just learnt to walk, and for some reason this evil criminal baby is already carrying a screwdriver around in every freaking episode! Don't his parents ever CHANGE his diaper and think "Hmmn. I don't think my 18month old son should be carrying a screwdriver around right next to his genitalia"? No. Apparently not. And on their many adventures, they just LOVE to go places... like down a highway and into a state forest in the back of some random truck, but hey; the kids always come out okay, so when you have kids, this is how to bring up a bunch of happy kids. (Real life tip: Most of these parenting skills will actually have your kids removed by Child's Services, so you may want to invest in some duct tape to shut up those nosy neighbors of yours.)

#2 Sailor Moon

So, in case you guys swing the other way, or the girls out there weren't interested in watching Japanese Porn Manga, I'll quickly explain the concept of Sailor Moon. Usagi Tsukino (Sailor Moon's non-stripper name) is just a ditzy school girl, but suddenly her CAT tells her that she's destined to save the world with her magical powers. (Does this sound a LITTLE out there to anyone else?)

But hey, the plots not really that out there considering a little thing called Harry Potter. So these magical powers are how the producers explain Sailor Moon and her whorish friends defeating all the evil bad guys from the Dark Kingdom (Imaginative name, Amirite?) However, have you seen the outfits they're wearing? I mean HELLO, I think that their success rate may have a TAD to be with the fact that they dress like a load of Japanese whores, and distract the bad GUYS just enough to beat the shit out of them, and destroy their dark and crude minds.

So what's the moral to take from Sailor Moon? You'll get whatever you want when you dress like a whore (Real life tip: That only works if you're a girl aged 12-30, so all those 11 year old cake-faced tramps? Wipe that shit off and wait just one more year before you can spread your legs and a paint filled spatula across your acne infested forehead.)

#1 Pokemon

Pokemon, too?! Surely not, there's nothing wrong with the moral message that Pokemon sends out.. Oh, wait, Shit. Maybe there is. So kids, here's a quick step guide to having some FUN!
1) Enter a competition to catch and train small animals to fight other small animals. (Sounds like fun, riiiight?)
2) So you're going to get a starter animal, if you're like Ash, maybe you too can get a soft little fury creature... That fucking shoots lightening bolts out it's ass at other animals. (Awww... Adorable!)
3) Once you've obtained this animal, you need to fit it into a Pokeball, that is, a palm-sized capsule that locks so you can't hear the bone crushing screams of these small pets. Leave the pet in here at all times, unless of course you need it to start shooting shit out of it's rectum. Then straight back into the Pokeball. It's kind of like a hug-box. Only 10times physically smaller than the animal. (Wow. CLEARLY the producers of Pokemon passed Physics!)
4) Now, just keep making your animal fight until it's electrocuted the shit out of every other animal, what do you win? Some more animals, with various other powers. Personally, I want a Squirtle, so I can drown it and THEN electrocute it, because that's the aim of Pokemon, right? Fuck some animal's shit up just to show you're better.

You can just see how much of a wonderful message Pokemon sends to children about how to treat their pets. (Real life tip: Do not let Pokemon addicted teenagers own Pitbulls or other forms of savage dog.)