Michael Caine

Sir Michael Caine is an English film actor, notable for being one of the top 5 most badass men of all time.

Not a movie set--this is just how he handles the bullshit paparazzi.

Just The Facts

  1. Michael Caine has starred in over 100 films. His middle name is Motherfucking.
  2. His main hobbies are pulling your bitch, making millions and being ridiculously likeable...even while stabbing you in the throat.
  3. Caine was born in 1933. This makes him seventy-fucking-seven. By the time he is 108, he will be the King of Everything.


Becoming The Caine

Caine grew up as Maurice Micklewhite (picture that shit on a marquee) in England during World War II. He served in Korea during a time when Britain required its young men to serve active duty in the armed forces; Caine says that bringing back this practice (which is called National Service) would eliminate violent tendencies in youth. Sure, he says that, but according to his recent movie Harry Brown, you know what else would eliminate violent tendencies in youth? Michael Motherfucking Caine.

After his service he decided to become an actor. Believing--correctly, as always--that his surname would present an obstacle to fame (but never prevent--nothing could ever prevent this motherfucker from being famous, ever), he changed it to Michael White. Unfortunately another actor at the time was using the name, so the young aspiring star looked around, saw a theater was playing some movie with "Caine" in the title, and made that his official moniker. He jokes that he could have looked the other way, and become "Michael 101 Dalmations." We are confident that even had this happened, Mr. 101 Dalmations could easily have snuck into this usurping asshole Michael White's home and slaughtered him in his bed, which almost certainly happened.

[Almost certainly did not happen. This author is a retard, and delusional. But Michael Caine is, indeed, ridiculously cool. --Ed]

Lord Caine & His Heavy Friends

Michael Caine is friends with every awesome person there has ever been. Fact.

Do not be fooled, they're plotting your death up there. Together. Telepathically, and also perfectly, down to the most minute detail. Michael Caine began getting breaks in the '70's, starring in the first Italian Job with Noel Coward; the original incarnation of Sleuth, with Sir Lawrence Olivier (he later went on to star in the 2007 version, taking over Olivier's role, opposite the one he played when he was young); and The Man Who Would Be King with Sean Connery and his wife, Shakira Caine.

Yes, that is his wife. Only one man in the universe's wife is safe from Sean Connery...that's right: The Caine.

Want to know who else Caine is friends with? Everyone who has ever met him. That is just how cool he is.

Career Breakdown

Sir Michael Caine has been in many classic movies. He has also been in a lot of really crappy ones. Do not worry--Mr. Caine will not pop up and assassinate me in my chair, although that is something that he would totally do, if I had insulted him. No, he's admitted he has been in crappy movies, which is what makes it okay to notice aloud in public without being mysteriously decapitated.

Try to insult him, and he will smite you.

Fear not; he has a good excuse for doing crap films. In his own words, "I decided not to become a tax exile, so I stayed in Britain, but they kept putting the tax up, so I'd do any old thing every now and then to pay the tax, that was my tax exile money." This refers to Britain's strenuous taxes on celebs and other high-income types, which has led a lot of famous Englishmen to live outside the country to avoid them. Does Sir Caine shirk his duties? Hell no. As he said, "What am I going to do? Not pay taxes and drive around in a Rolls Royce, with cripples begging in the street like you see in some countries?"

As for the good roles, aside from the aforementioned films, he's been in the original Get Carter, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, Children of Men, Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, and even Ebenezer Scrooge in The Muppet Christmas Carol. He also won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for his role in Woody Allen's Hannah & Her Sisters in 1986.

Bam! Academy Award.

Oh, yes...also, Caine was knighted in 2000.

Bam! Knighted, bitch!