Giant Robots

Lots of things are better in giant form. Pizzas, bottles of liquor, mega-absorbent tampons, but those are just chump change when it comes to mother fuckin' Giant Robots

Fuck yeah

Just The Facts

  1. Giants Robots are like that Honda Asimo bot, except a few hundred feet taller and armed with lasers.
  2. They most likely will bring about the end of the human species
  3. Chicks dig giant robots.
  4. We're taking the highroad and are going to sidestep an obvious tiny penis quip following the previous statement.

Cracked on Giant Robots

This may come as a surprise, but Cracked's annual budget does allow for us to have company cars. This may not come as a surprise, but those cars are just a sputtering fleet of '75 Gremlins.

Feelin wet, ladies?

It may not be the most pretty thing to hit the road, but it does get good....oh, who are we kidding. It's a fucking horrible vehicle. That said, it's more than plausable that we would vastly prefer to cruise around town in a Titan sized metallic juggernaut powered by the fears of little children to carry out our day to day transportation needs.

For some reason

Not only would we be knee deep in bitches and booze, but if any of the local cops decide to reign in our party, they can say hello to our pulse laser cannons. Hell, they can say hello to our feet as we crush their pathetic excuse for a vehicle between our six ton metal toes. We would be kings, lords of death that dish out a loud, fiery end to all who would dare to cut us off on the highway.

"I dare you, I double dare you! Honk that horn one more God damn time!"

Sure, the upkeep costs would be staggering, and we've yet to find a insurance agent that won't laugh at our face when we bring the subject up, but no living man, woman or child on Earth would disagree that having a giant robot of their own would be fucking awesome.

Not so much if they were mutants

Japan and Giant Robots

So much giant robot potpourri has sprung out of Japan's shores that it's safe to say that the genre is the nations leading export, right up there with Hello Kitty dolls and hentai artists whose grip on reality is at best suspicious. In fact, one could argue that Japan invented the concept of the giant robot.

Meet Gigantor:

He is a giant robot built as a weapon of power turned protector of peace, and is controlled via remote control by the hands of a twelve year old boy. Why the fuck anyone would let a child control an enormous killing machine is anyone's guess, but we're working with the assumption that Christmas is like a thousand times more awesome over there.

What makes Gigantor worth mentioning is that he first came out during the 1950's, at a time when robots were seen solely as products of alien invasions or domestic servants that we would all totally have by the 80's. Also, they were small, managable creatures. Something that we possibly couldnt control, but at least had some way of gaining equal ground with. Never before did someone think to say, "Hey, why dont we make the robots the size of skyscrapers. OH! And we should totally have them, like, blow shit up!" The fantasies of nerds worldwide would be changed forever as a result.

On the downside to this genre genesis, the anime series Gigantor hit the States in 1963, proving that Japan still had some resentment with the West about the whole "bombing the shit out of us" thing. The timing was bad, because this was at a time when we we're scarred shitless of Soviet nukes and Vietnamese commies. Now our grandparents had to worry about giant, indestructable Japanese robots controlled by the whims of childhood fancies? Lets face it, back in the day, Asia sucked.

Fuck you, Asia!

Gigantor paved the way for other giant robot series littering the pantheon of Cool Shit We Wish We Had. Among them were Robotech, Macross, Evangelion, the several hundred incarnations of the Gundam series, and of course, Voltron.

As in "Defender of the Mother Fucking Universe" Voltron

Sadly, all of Japan's forte in this matter stems solely from animated features and CGI special effects. It's all just a product of a nation with a overzealous imagination and too much free time. There's really no way any of this can possibly be part of our everyday, robotless lives, so we might as well just label it as fantasy and move on with our-

Oh, shit. Right. That thing.

That, friends, is a literal 1:1 scale replica of an actual Gundam Mobile Suit. It was built to celebrate the series' 30th anniversary, and after seeing it up close, we're starting to wonder just what our buddies across the Pacific are cooking up in their spare time. Also, we think it would be sweet if they pulled a France and totally hooked us up with one, a la Statue of Liberty.

However, from what we can tell, the replica is nothing but a giant, enormously esoteric statue. It's not like it can move about, spreading terror across the-

Holy shit, it can move?

Ok, so its just the head. Nothing too exciting about that, unless it finds a way to nod at us to death.

Wait, didnt Gundams have machine guns built into their foreheads? Far be it from us to accuse the Japanese of actually arming the damn thing (as we would have done so in a heartbeat), but they really seem to be tempting fate here. And by tempting fate, we mean calling God a whiny little bitch whilst challenging Satan to a sumo match, with the souls of all humanity up for grabs if he wins.

Seriously, it's probably just a matter of time before the blueprints for one of these metal behemoths wind up in the hands of some damn eccentric terrorists and/or rouge A.I. hellbent on ridding the world of our flawed, fleshy empire.

Our day shall come, hu-mons

At least Japan didn't build robots designed to be awesome as well as terrify-

Ok, fuck you Japan. You're like the rich kid at school who keeps flaunting all the cool shit his parents get him while we're stuck with fucking dirt and hand-me-down action figures.

Seriously, its been cool and all, but we probably shouldn't be friends anymore.