Public Restrooms

Public restrooms serve as both a creative playground for horrible people, and also as an outlet for those who like wrecking a place. Beware: it's dangerous in there.

Just The Facts

  1. 110% of the craps taken in a public restroom are diarrhea. The extra ten percent are the ones that wind up outside of the toilet.
  2. Trying to fart without someone hearing is impossible, let alone pointless, because someone else is guaranteed to walk in as soon as the last person walks out.
  3. You should only use gas station bathrooms if you are on fire or in a zombie movie, and there isn't another door or any open wilderness within miles.

Landmarks, Hazards and Annoyances

Public restrooms are a veritable wasteland of desperation and diarrhea. Everyone who has ever used a public restroom knows what horrors they will unearth inside. Anyone who has not used one is a strange person, but is also one of the six luckiest people on Earth.

Public restrooms always include at least all of the following...

Graffiti - Definitely the highlight of a typical field trip to the crapper. This can be compared to anything from cave paintings to a rolodex of escort service numbers, dependent on the store and/or gas station and/or strip club that you're at. You'll see at least 50 randomly drawn or carved curse words, unimaginable artwork, several dudes' numbers, your mom's number, and sometimes an actual conversation.

Hieroglypshits, if you will. Meh, we could do better but...you know, laziness.

Turdffiti - The worst thing you can find in a bathroom. Same as graffiti, but drawn with poop. If you discover a turdffiti drawing, call a hazmat team to cleanse the area and yourself. If you are the artist, call a mental institution and commit yourself.

Floor Turd (could also be a Sink, Wall, or Toilet Tank Turd) - Turds on the ground. Lookin' like a fool with your turds on the ground. These are nice, self-explanatory surprises that you find laying on the floor of a stall or an even more unfitting place for human waste. This is the typically done by people who are extremely drunk, or those who are just deviant and want to make a janitor cry.

Broken Toilet - Happens every time you have to take an earth shattering, spleen passing, life threatening zeppelin of a dump. You never notice until after, as they are rarely labeled. Even if they are labeled, you are in too much of a hurry to notice until you find yourself wiping with the "Out of Order" sign.

Pee Gel - Describes the coagulated layer of urine present on every public restroom floor. Many bathrooms have drains on the floor, which are pretty much just there to mock you, as they are no help against pee that has turned to Jello. The pee is several feet thick in men's bathrooms.

The Pubic Hair of Doom - No matter what toilet you're forced to crap on, there will always be a worm-sized pubic hair on the toilet seat. Legend has it that it is all just one pube...one that can move very quickly and fuck your shit up. Brush it off the seat with something other than your hand. If you don't, it will embed itself in your skin with its teeth.

Glory Hole - Where perverts live. A glory hole is a hole cut in the wall or between stalls meant for both peeping and spreading sexually transmitted diseases.

Snot Spots - Uninspired name aside, these are localized areas of bathroom stalls or walls that inexplicably accumulate boogers. These always happen in the same spots, as when the first booger breaks ground a hundred million more will follow suit. The toilet paper that sits right beside you will have to wait and just wipe your ass instead, as it is for some reason not for blowing noses.

Lady's Delight - A used female sanitary device that has been left behind, either inside or outside of a toilet, for the next bathroom user to stumble upon. The ultimate gross-out, but at least they mostly happen in women's restrooms. Mostly.

Full House - More of a situational hazard, this describes when you encounter a bathroom with stalls at full occupancy. The more urgent your situation, the more likely you are to have a full house in that bathroom. Being part of the full house can be just as dangerous as being the odd man out. Under dire circumstances, some people may angrily jiggle the door handle to your stall or room. If they're frantic or drunk enough, just pray that they don't break down the door and crap in your lap.

Log Paper - Sometimes there will be toilet paper available. However, when there is, you will go out of your way to wipe yourself with something else. Public toilet paper is a combination of wood, pine cones, metal shavings, ass hairs and steel wool. Despite being rougher than sex with a dump truck, this paper is still somehow thinner than air, and you will promptly get shit finger even when using a basketball sized wad of it to wipe.

Typical Public Restroom Toilet Paper

Spicy Turdstorm - This is rare, and almost too horrible to list here. Imagine someone puts crap inside of the hand dryer, in hopes that it explodes out of it when used. This statement has been redacted for being insanely gross. Fuck, it's still legible. If you're someone who did this, go to hell. If you don't believe it, there are...horror stories.

Inhabitants

Many of the abnormal beings that dwell within a public restroom will require immediate evasion. These characters include, but are not limited to:

Talkers - Complete strangers that talk to you or others while you're using the bathroom. These come in many varieties, including phonetalkers (see below). Never talk to any of them.

Stalltalkers - People that talk to you from within a stall. They are creepier than normal talkers, as you can not see what they are doing.

Phonetalkers - Texting or using mobile web on the toilet in public is fine...it does not reveal you to be disgusting. However, there are people who find it necessary to share the sounds of straining with their friends. These are phonetalkers.

Creepers - Creepers are usually curious little kids, but can also be a type of pervert. These are people that look or even climb under or over a stall at you. If you encounter one, put your foot on their face and push them out.

Peepers - Self-explanatory. Try to hide your junk if you feel you're being watched.

The Intoxicated - The drunk and/or stoned are 100% more likely to contribute to the previously described hazards. If you are one of The Intoxicated and feel the urge to pass out in a public restroom, resist as much as you can. You will suffer the wrath.

Human Spaceships - These are people who hover over the toilet seat to go. God forbid a few germs get on the outside of your butt cheeks while an infinite amount of germs drop into the toilet from between them. Women are the biggest culprits, as they both fear germs and fear being normal. If a guy hovers, he is most certainly drunk and is not currently in control of his depth perception. Hovering can only be excused if there is a non-urine based bodily fluid on the toilet seat, which would likely have been caused by hovering in the first place. So DON'T DO IT.

Appearance, Terminology and Composition

Rest assured that public restrooms will be littered with organic decor, but if they occasionally get cleaned there are other defining characteristics. For example, unless you're in somewhere fancy, the restroom has a 99% chance of being a lifeless, white or off-white room. This palette choice is presumably intended to encourage more assholes to wipe assorted substances on the walls to spruce the place up. Imagine purgatory with diarrhea floating all around you.

In most places on Earth, people just call Public Restrooms by either their previously mentioned name or "Public Toilets." In many Asian countries, you might as well just call them a hole or a ditch, because you're more than likely crapping in one of the two. In Britain and certain other British speaking countries, they are sometimes informally called "Public Loos." Rarely, you may still hear an old guy call it a "Public Lavatory." Let's just call them PR's for short.

There are infinite types of PR's, which is far too many to catalog so let's just cover the major ones. Restaurant and Store Restrooms are unpredictable, as anything can happen. Usually though, you can gauge these based on the quality of the restaurant/store and whether or not there is a bar and/or liquor.

Gas Station Bathrooms are the worst bathrooms that are actually within a retail establishment that doesn't serve open alcohol, and are always a minefield of all of your worst nightmares. Port-A-Johns are usually found at temporary places like carnivals or construction sites. In one of these toilets, you get to poop into a blue lake of other people's waste, which even if it's 10-feet below, always feels like it's going to rub up against your butt while you're on the seat. Rest Areas are only found along highways, and are the most ripe with perverts and talkers.

There are also Ball Park/Amusement Park Toilets, which are so crowded that at least 5 people will be watching you go. Nightclub bathrooms are very bad, because not only does an attendant watch you go, you have to pay him to watch you go. Also, he will spray you with some $3 cologne that smells like flowers and hamburgers. You are likely to witness something sexual in a nightclub bathroom, but you will probably want to "unwitness" it.

All of these other places pale in comparison to Public School toilets. Kids mostly seem to be able to distinguish between right and wrong. Not when hall pass time arrives. Even the most hardened criminals or dirty-assed vagrants would have extreme trouble using the bathroom here. This is the unholy land. A land where a shit-worshiping seance of demon children in one of the stalls would probably be only the 9th most frightening thing in there. A land where even the bravest of janitor would not dare to walk in its general direction. Many kids enter, only the ones who are too afraid to go leave.

Finally there are the True Public Toilets (TPTs for short, neither are a real term). These are permanent, standalone fixtures meant for your crapping displeasure.

Some TPTs even have one way mirrors for walls, presumably as a sort of pressure release valve for society's biggest perverts.

Public toilets (excluding TPTs and Port-a-Johns) are typically separated into Men's, Women's, and occasionally a unisex bathroom for the handicapped or those who prefer privacy. Men's restrooms have urinals, causing them to have significantly more urine on the floor or un-flushable craps in the urinals. Some restrooms have vending machines, do not eat from them unless you enjoy getting sick or are in need of horny goat weed.

Automation and the Future

With the future already here, much of the modern Public Restroom is automated. Sinks, toilets, urinals, even soap and paper towel dispensers do your job for you. However, these things always do this worse than you do.

Toilets constantly flush while you're sitting on them, giving your ass a bacterial car wash. They also refuse to flush when you actually get up to wipe yourself, prompting you to push the button and get your finger dirty anyway. Sinks have a dick move programmed into them, as they automatically shut off after a certain length of time. Some sinks use timed push buttons, which are unbearable. These faucets are even better when you have two different push buttons for either hot or cold water, as you may not mix them unless you've got three hands to hold them both down while washing the other. Soap dispensers on the wall are fine, but some places install them on the sink, prompting them to constantly squirt shit on your hands while you're already washing them. One day all of this will be perfected and the Public Restroom will be forever grateful.

Someday, every bathroom will have a Rosie. Scientists are still working out the pervert deterrents.

Whatever happens, the public restroom will always be a place of caution, as the world will always have a bountiful supply of creeps and weirdos to give us all Paruresis. Nonetheless, public restrooms will always be a necessity for when that post-Taco Bell butt truck comes barreling down on you.