Public Restroom

A public restroom is a place of evil provided by many establishments for you to relieve yourself. It should never be used for anything else, including thinking, socializing, eating, etc.

Wait a minute mommy, I'm suppossed to go #2 in HERE?!

Just The Facts

  1. Public restrooms are always dirty.
  2. Everyone who enters one forgets what flushing is.
  3. You think that little piece of paper on the seat is gonna protect you from Hepatitis B?

How bad do you really need to go?

You remember taking road trips with your family and having to pee, but mommy keeps telling you to hold it? It's not because she didn't want to waste time along the way, she just didn't want to have to venture into the true dredges of human society: the public restroom.

It is well known that public restrooms harbor all sorts of horrible infestations and by just breathing the air inside one can get at least three diseases that live in other peoples' shit. You should only use one if you are seriously going to crap your pants right there or if you've just had anything from Jack in the Box.

Survival and knowing when to back out

Ok, so you did eat those two tacos, Jumbo Jack, large fries, and a Coke from Jack in the Box. Dumb ass! Anyway, you are starting to feel that familiar churning in your stomach when you know that your ass is about to unleash a fury only matched by God and volcanoes. You could probably make it home...but what the hell, there's a restroom right here!

So you open the door. Oh Lord almighty what is that smell! There is no way that odor could have ever come from a living person! You say forget it and begin to turn away, but you suddenly realize that the churning in your stomach has just begun to turn into a pain, so you do the unthinkable and take a deep breath, heading for the first stall.

WTF?! Fstering inside the toilet of this first stall is what can only be described as a cross between a stomach forgetting to digest and witchcraft. Seriously, it's time to leave the restroom. As you turn around you feel "it." "It" can only be described as the urge that every man gets. The urge that plays the message inside your head "Stop what you are doing now. You have to shit."

Well, surveying the area you realize that there is only one stall left. Time to cross your fingers and hope for the best, unless you're OK with shitting in a urinal. Swing the door open and...sweet relief! A clean enough to eat of off at first glance shitter! You pull an ass gasket out of the container on the wall and prepare it(what the hell are you supposed to do with that part in the middle anyway?) for the sweet release of the heavy metal sized build up that has been occuring in your ass for the last 10 minutes.

Had this stall been anything like the first one, you would of had to brave the trip home. Never under any circumstances should you stick your ass somewhere that you are more than 70% sure you will get a disease. At that point shitting on a fucking cactus is a better idea. Regardless of the sanitation level of a public restroom, if you can make it home, do it.

Deceiving public restrooms

There are a few places that you may feel comfortable to drop a deuce, almost as comfortable as you would at home. Most/all of thses places have placed false hope into you my friend. Here is a few.

Work- Just because you're there more than you are at home doesn't make this a safe haven for all things ass related. Do you really think Juanita the cleaning lady puts enough TLC into her scrub jobs to protect you, the user, from a gang of ass crunchin' bacteria?

Hospitals- Well for starters, the hospital has a higher chance for some with something contagious to use a toilet before you come along and use it like a sit-n-spin. Not to mention it is normally a high traffic location, so it's not really going to be any cleaner than say, a grocery store. The fact that it is in a hospital gives off the idea that it should be more sterile than others, when it in fact is not.

Anywhere "fancy"- This one is a no brainer, unless you really think that gold plated toilet seats, free cologne, and a creepy guy waiting to dry your hands for a buck are going to keep your ass safe.