Val Kilmer

Val Kilmer is easily fascinated. On top of that, he has a decision making problem that makes George Bush look like Barack Obama and a habit of going bat-shit just when he is supposed to chill the fuck out.

Just The Facts

  1. Was the youngest student ever accepted into Juilliard's Drama Division.
  2. Is easily fascinated.
  3. Spends an insane amount of time preparing for a role.

How Val Became Difficult

His inability to lip-sync is what really made a difference in attaining the lead role in Oliver Stone's 'The Doors'. He prepared for the role for over twelve months, lost a significant amount of weight, attended Doors Tribute Concerts and visited all the special spots the Jim praised with his vomit. 0n set, he insisted to be referred to only as Jim Morrison, because having heroin for breakfast just wasn't hardcore enough.

Being 1/8 Cherokee, 1/16 German, 1/32 Swedish and 1/64 Mongolian is bound to fuck with your decision making process. That could explain why Val rejected roles in movies like Collateral and Interview with the Vampire. Either that or there was a time when Tom Cruise had taste, or testicles, Tom knows. According to a fistfight between the latter and the former during the filming of 'Top Gun', the two have developed a common ground - an equally strong grudge towards one another. Inspired by his colleague's behaviour, Val became "difficult", which only happens when he is ''surrounded by stupid people''.

Cruise's bullshit would push anyone over the edge; there is no doubt about that. However, Val's psychotic behaviour emerged when he went on to portray Doc Holiday. Just before the director of 'Tombstone' got fired after a month of shooting, he left us with one final comment: "there's a dark side to Val that I don't feel comfortable talking about."

Which brings me to my next point.

The Gotham Conspiracy

There is little to absolutely no evidence that Kilmer is indeed NOT Batman.

Just the facts:

01. While in a bat cave in Africa he was offered the lead in "Batman Forever". Weather he received this via e-mail or from a group of highly trained monkeys, we'll never know.
02. If you want to visit Kilmer on his ranch in New Mexico, you have to go through a 'bat cave' made out of concrete that's situated on his estate.
03. According to the crew on set of the Batman sequel, he went batshit crazy before principal photography even begun.
04. Shumacher was infuriated with Kilmer calling him "the most psychologically troubled human being I've ever worked with.'

In 1998, for the first time in his career, he acknowledges that Batman left a permanent scar on his personality and insists on taking only 'family type' roles from that point on. Right after making a movie about a 'demented hustler running around in a cape', out of the fucking blue - he turns to poetry, films 'The Saint' and consequently becomes fascinated with Christian Science and Christian Rock.

Val The Family Man

He spends the next four years preparing for the lead role in 'Salton Sea', a movie about a meth addict revenging the murder of his wife. If that hasn't got family written all over then I don't know what does. Kilmer delivered a staggering performance; mainly by burning shit down, getting high on crystal meth and playing saxophone on tweekends.


In all honesty, Kilmer is a loose cannon. When accused of being difficult, his defence lies in a completely logical justification of his actions. It is not Val who is difficult but the character he is playing at that moment. It's like giving thumbs up for being diagnosed with a split personality disorder.

Valifornication

Around the end of 2002, following his new obsession, Kilmer indulged into copious amounts of pornography; a territory where he, again, became easily fascinated. This time it was with big dicks. To my recollection, which I have none of, the actor called his agent insisting that his next project has to involve a portrayal of his crotch or he would quit acting altogether. It wasn't long until Kilmer starred in 'Wonderland', a movie about a porn actor who also happens to be the owner of the biggest dick in the business.

In 2004, while preparing for the role of a cannabis connoisseur called The Sherpa, in the TV-series Entourage, he got fascinated with weed. According to Gary Busey, this resulted in a four-week shoot of a scene that was three minutes long. Unwilling to break character, the actor spent six months in Amsterdam doing improv through a haze of bong smoke. When asked what he was doing there for so long, he replied: 'Ik was totaal gefascineerd.'


It's like France, man, only with weed.

Upon his trip to Paris, Kilmer was offered the role of a gay private detective. Needless to say, he hasn't even read the script but decided to go for it anyway. We can already see him interrogating homosexuals in toilet rooms accusing them of shit they never actually did. This would, of course, be required in order to 'fully consume the character'.


Kilmer after consuming way too many characters.

As soon as production started, he returned to the U.S. to begin work with his co-star Robert Downey Jr. who was the only reason he accepted the project in the first place. They had a lot in common, except for the fact that Kilmer would never ever do rehab. 'As a sign of support to Robert Downey Jr.'s recovery from alcohol and drugs, Val Kilmer refused to drink during the entire production.' He continued to get loaded though. Despite one of his best roles to date, 'Kiss Kiss Bang Bang' flew by as the most overlooked film of the year.

The Good, The Weird & The Crazy

During the filming of 'Tombstone' he became good friends with Kurt Russell and bought a small piece of land in Tombstone as a present for his fellow actor. He took a photo of a chair on the property and gave it to Russell as a gift. A perfect place to live after he hits rock bottom, Val explained. Russell returned the favour by buying the perfect place for him to die - a tomb in Tombstone.

For some weird reason, websites providing this fantastic piece of trivia found it extremely relevant to emphasize that the bodies were not actually on the cemetery, but were moved to a different part of Tombstone.You see, they didn't want anyone to get the wrong impression that Val would liked to be buried around actual people, even if they were completely and utterly dead. So NO, Kurt did NOT buy Kilmer a grave. He merely acquired a piece of land, a lot if you will, Kilmer could eventually dig up on his own after he dies and burry himself there. Like Val, Russell took a photo of a chair. They exchanged "gifts", thus exploring male bonding on a completely morbid level.

'The Island of Dr. Moreau' was a failure to begin with and hopes of it turning mediocre at best were really thin. First, there was a problem with bad timing. Kilmer was amidst of getting a divorce and Brando's daughter committed suicide. Second, there was a problem with letting the actors do whatever the fuck they wanted. Val decided to cut his role by 40% because of his divorce, smoke dope throughout production and burn a cameraman with a cigarette. Brando just went full retard by doing what appears to be a portrayal of a sumo-wrestling Pope.


...or The White Plague.

Third, there was a problem with the wrong director. Unable to cope with stars of such magnitude, the original director, Richard Stanley, got fired three days after production started and John Frankenheimer took his place. John didn't even bother with trying to control the lunatics on the set. He simply blended in and decided to rewrite the entire script, thus putting production on a ten day halt. Repeatedly annoyed by Kilmer who kept raining on him with mentally challenged ideas, he exploded on set, shouting: 'I don't give a fuck, Kilmer. I. Dont. Give. A. Fuck!" And that's exactly how that movie was perceived in the end, like nobody gave a fuck.

Where Is He Today?

Today, Kilmer owns a ranch in New Mexico, built entirely out of self-respect. In 2009, he put it up for sale but decided against it after being completely overwhelmed by it for the 500th time.


There's Val-O-Rama in his tree house. And there's Val just not giving a fuck, really.

The advantage of being secluded on a farm in New Mexico is that you start thinking green. And this is where ValZone comes in. Yes, that's right, ValZone. Sounds like a hair spray that can give you that distinguished Kilmer Look you always wanted? Well, tough shit because its not. ValZone is 100% organic - 100% profit. That's right, it's hardcore shit. The product label will contain information about the ingredients accompanied by a profit & loss statement to so you could be 100% positive the profit wont fall in the hands of a Columbian cartel.

His Defense

He denies doing shit for no apparent reason and claims that there is a method to his madness. And, he is easily fascinated.