Fanboys

Have you ever found yourself irrationally shouting at someone in defense of something no one else gives a shit about? Do you own numerous homemade costumes? Are you a virgin? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you might be a fanboy.

Just The Facts

  1. Fanboys are hopelessly devoted to video games, movies, books, and just about anything else that will keep their penises as far from a vagina as possble
  2. Reasoning with a fanboy is useless. Unless by "reasoning" you mean yelling until your throat ruptures.
  3. Fanboys are the number one source of lonely men in the United States.

Origins

All Fanboys start out as little nerds. They don't have an insane devotion to fantasy realms. They can't name all the members of the Justice League up to five generations. Hell, there's a good chance they can't even tell you the thread count of Cpt. Jea- Luc Picard's sheets (It's 1500. Nothing less than liquid silk can touch his skin). They just enjoy their comics and their games and are content with their lives.

He'll synthesize your weapons. Then spit up on them.

He'll synthesize your items. Then spit up on them

However, at some point in their young lives, something inside them...changes. Maybe they get picked on too much at school or their parents don't pay them enough attention and so the feel the need to envelop themselves in a fantasy land in a form of escapism just to get away from the wedgies and disappointed weeping of their parents for not making the varsity male cheerleading team. I'M SORRY DAD, WE DON'T ALL HAVE THE WRIST STRENGTH TO SUPPORT THE WIEGHT OF STACEY COLLINS! BITCH SHOULD HAVE SPENT MORE TIME THROWING UP THOSE EXCESS POUNDS AND LESS TIME BLOWING THE FOOTBALL TEAM! QUITE JUDGING MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

But I digress, the fact is that at one point or another, the little nerd gets drawn way too deep into a comic or a game and comes out a Fanboy.

Know the Signs

Now before you go out berating people for being different from you and holding fanboy pogroms, you have to know the signs:

1. All Encompassing Knowledge of Useless Information

Some people devote their lives to studying nature. Others spend their time mastering a second or third language. But you have a higher calling. You alone know the Hit Points, Attack Power, Defense, Strength, Agility, and favorite color of all 493 Pokemon. Is this information serve any purpose? Of course not, but if you don't memorize and categorize this stuff, who will?

There will be people in the comments who point out the missing 200 or so. Pity them.

2. Insane Desire to Prove Everyone Wrong

Wait, what was that? I'm sorry it sounded like you said that Martin Goodman founded Marvel Comics in 1939. Oh that would be right, EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT IT WOULDN'T BE CALLED "MARVEL" UNTIL THE FOLLOWING YEAR! IT WAS TIMELY PUBLICATIONS FIRST YOU N00B! I DOMINATE! Hey...where are you going? Why are you walking away? Oh yeah, CAUSE I'M BETTER THAN YOU! Now to go home and masturbate my ego some more by pwning 12 year olds on XBox and telling them all about my imaginary sexual exploits with their mother. Who needs dignity and the respect of others when it's so much better to be right over trivial and worthless matters?

Not Pictured: Dignity and Respect

3. It's Cosplay not Dress Up, Dad!

For most fans of something, its enough to just own a T-shirt with their favorite sports team, video game, or what have you. But the Fanboy must show his devotion on a whole new level, one bordering on the obsessive. He is not content with a simple shirt or commemorative keychain, oh no, he goes the whole extra light year by building an exact replica of the Mazinger Z robot complete with rocket fists. Sure it cost more than your mom's SUV, but think of all the respect you'll get. And who knows, if you're really luckily one of those women things might even talk to you!

Look upon my works ye mighty and then go kill yourselves!

Fangirls

When I put that into Google, all I got was a bunch of links to yaoi fanfic.

But also this:

Gotcha with that last one.