The End of the World is coming! And I'm not talking about its asshole (raise your hand if you saw that coming!). If you just raised your hand, congratulations, you just accepted Hitler's mark according to one batshit End-of-World theory(you bastard!)
(By the way, I have met people who say Obama is the Anti-Christ. You're not alone, one reader who identified with me)
So, JC has saved us all, but The Bible Trilogy would be pretty boring if everything was solved by the second part. That's where Revelations comes in.
The story so far: After a heroic triumph on The Cross, shit has got real (and I'm not talking bout transsubstantiation- yes, that's the sort of joke that rewards you for being smart, or Catholic, which is a lot better than the rewards you would normally receive as a choirboy from your priest, am I right Catholics?). The world is in turmoil, and these two guys bear witness and spit fire (Biggie and Tupac people?) and then get killed by the forces of the world (I rest my case) and Darth... I mean, The Antichrist is about to make shit a whole lot realler. This dude is charismatic and says give peace a chance, but really means give peace a chance card, which then turns out to be a 'go directly to jail' card for peace (oh come on, you get what I'm trying to say- he really thinks war is the answer, cos he's a Five-Finger Death Punch fanboy).
Pictured: The Antichrist? (admit it, all metalheads are geeks really)
So this dude gets everyone to worship him and get a forehead tattoo (style?), cos he can't hear God getting pissed over the sound of how awesome he is. Then all the good guys get lifted up to Heaven, and all the mofos on Earth suddenly think :"Oh my God! Star Trek was the One True Religion! I am in deeper shit than a sewer-cleaning pig at a World's Most Efficient Dung-Beetle Contest". Then some Beasts are somehow involved (SPOILER ALERT: one of them is my dick, oh and, well, so is the other one, cos that's how awesome it is). That's where the epic finale begins: GOD WARS: THE RETURN OF THE JESUS.
Well, we all knew he was God anyway. Praise be to Shatner
JC and Da Saintz come back in action mode, to meet the forces of Evil of the World. But Admiral Akba- I mean, some Angel decides to launch a tactical plague strike, unleashed by seven seals.
He may look cute, but with 6 of his mates he will fuck up the world
So, the Earth's shit is far from tight, but Satan (known by many names, but mainly as 'Stan' or 'Satin' by the illiterate) gets an army of the Earth and Hell (and by 'army' I mean 'huge fucking army'- yeah, now you get the perspective) to fight. But JC and God (who is actually JC's father- as revealed in the shock ending of part 2) creates an army of Heaven (and by 'army' I mean 'huge celibate army'- "Yeah, get it, because they're Heavenly they don't fuck, get it? Oh you did, ok. That makes my job easier. Unlike the nuns of His army, who aren't easy at all! Get it? Oh.")
With two massive armies, they had to fight eventually. And eventually they did. At Armaggeddon (yes, I actually mean at the premiere of the film- learn your religion here kids!) the two sides clashed, and JC and his Crew tore evil shit apart, and put Stan in a boiling pit for 1000 years.
A bit harsh just for writing a few letters. Though no doubt JC was thinking of the whole girlfriend thing. He's probably just a Juggalo anyway- ICP, the official soundtrack of Heaven.
But like Napoleon or Barry Manilow, the bad guy came back. But The New Jerusalem and all the goodies weren't having that shit again, so they destroyed Stan forever, creating a new Heaven and a new Earth and destroying all evil, but also depriving the world of a brilliant soft material.
Satin! Remember?! Also: Also, ignore the dog, though it is fucking cute!
Well, now you know your Bible (please post my description into Wikipedia, so lazy kids everywhere will have their homework go even more hilariously wrong). But did you know there are other theories about this whole Apocalypse shit? You did? Well, now you're just showing off! You say I mentioned 2012 earlier? Well, to be honest, I don't think you do say that, hypothetical reader, because you've forgotten everything except the cute dog and seal, haven't you? DON'T LIE!
Bullshit, and it's everywhere anyway. Go join the IFL if you want to know more (remember that? Still just the dog? Ok.).
This is where shit gets interesting (which, due to how boring it is, is also the tourist slogan for Alaska). Anywho, The Pagans had the world ending in all different kinds of awesomeness, usually with dragons and fire and war and various things of badassery. Or in the native Viking Pagan language: "Baadaarsoeri und Schit". Also, if you are offended by my stereotypical portrayal of Norse language, then please contact my lawyers, 'Baadaarsoeri und Schit'.
In the whole Buddhist/Hindu/Confucian/Taoist etc. philosophy, they generally believe that there is no beginning and no end to time and the world. This view is often shown through endless, boring as a drill full of male swine with the voice of Stephen Hawking, Bollywood films, which I have watched to try to appear refined and multicultural. Also, my entire knowledge of those Eastern religions is mainly derived from films, I may have pulled that philosophy out of my ass, so no offence, I don't know. All I know is, it would really make sense if I had, because, like time itself, my ass has no beginning and no end.
True, deep, round, bouncy, juicy philosophy