Zodiac Signs

The great ancient scientists of yore created the 12 Zodiac signs to correlate the time of a persons birth with their personality traits. Sort of an ancient psychiatry, except not quite as boring. Of course, science back then was more of a "shoulder

Hahaha, you got cancer!!!!!!

Just The Facts

  1. "Your mama" is a valid response to the question "Whats your sign?"
  2. There used to be 14 signs, but the pope removed Mothra and Blackula.

History of the Zodiac

The Zodiac was invented long ago because back then, people (as they still do today) acted like dumbshits most of the time. The smarty type guys (re: philosophers) needed to figure out why people acted the way they did.

The solution was, of course, to come up with a convoluted process of dividing every single individual on the planet into one of 12 categories, depending on the month and date of their birth. Science back then was more of a "shoulder shrugging" activity anyway, so there wasn't really anyone around to call bullshit on the theory.

The Signs


The Ram - Okay, so the first is the ram, Aries. They are fighters, impulsive, bold, and self confident. Well, this sounds like the type of person that would sucker punch you mid sentence. In my book, that spells asshole, or Russell Crowe.

The symbol is, of course, a ram. You could do worse. Rams aren't particularly gnarly, but they do sport some bitchin horns, so take what you can get.


The Bull- A very sensous person, but stubborn and possessive. Thats a pretty frightening combination if you ask me. A sex freak, well hey thats okay, right? But what happens when she flips her bitch switch while you are both in Starbucks because she thinks you looked at that other girls ass? Better prime up the old couch for sleeping on, and wear a knife proof shirt.

The symbol is a bull. Bulls are pretty badass and not to be fucked with, plus they have horns as well. Seems like this symbols stuff may turn out to be pretty awesome.


The symbol is twins. This would normally be stupid, but we can imagine that one of the twins is a twisted, deformed psycho killer, ala Basket Case, so no harm no foul.

also beware of crabs (both types).

Being a positive sign the greatest handicap to the Leo is impulse.

Virgo may

You have great, sparkling eyes, representing the sun's rays.

. The watery sign of Scorpio is one of the least understood signs of the entire twelve. Scorpio produces a number of types.

Dynamic and fair but he will also respond to every negative suggestion.

The sign of Capricorn is an earthy sign and ruled by the planet Saturn.

The fixed and airy sign of Aquarius is under the rule of two planets, the melancholy, fearful, and overanxious Saturn, which is ordinarily termed the planet of obstruction, and the impulsive, heedless, emotional, and hysterical Uranus.

Pisces is a watery and common sign, and the people born under it are very fond of luxuries,in later life they are prone to take on an excess of soft, flabby flesh, which leads to ill health.