The Lady Gaga/Tina Yothers Conspiracy Theory Explained

Dear Lady Gaga: You can only fool the American people for so long. A couple hundred years, at the most. Did you really think no one would ever come to realize your true identity?&&(navigator.userAgent.

Stop trying to distract us with your incredibly distracting tattoos, Gaga!

Just The Facts

  1. Tina Yothers has been a nobody for quite some time.
  2. Lady Gaga has been a somebody for a short amount of time.
  3. Case. Closed.

Evidentiary Hearing

In hindsight, the clues have been there all along. From your close ties to late-in-life-lesbianism (see: Meredith Baxter) and your commitment to bad taste for bad taste's sake (see: all of your performances), to the fact that - even as a child star - you looked like your face had been beaten with the business end of a discostick.

That's right, Gaga. We're calling bullshit on you - and your carefully-constructed celebrity persona non grata. We know for a fact that you're none other than America's favorite mid-to-late-80's adolescent butterball and star of Family Ties: Tina Yothers!

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I present you with...

Exhibit A:

A is for "Animal Print Gone Horribly Awry."

You may not think of yourself as a cheetah, but we've grown tired of all your lion, Gaga.

Exhibit B:

B is for "Even Bjork Knows Better."

You always went out of your way to look like a tulle, didn't you?

Exhibit C:

C is for "Somebody Cast Me In Rocky Horror, Quick!"

Even as a child, you had the weight of your shoulders on the world.

Exhibit D:

D is for "The Only Good Muppet Is A Dead Muppet."

If there's a shred of compassion left in your soul, you'll tell us what the fuck you've done with Fozzie Bear!

Exhibit E:

E is for "Eat Now, Pay Later."

A song on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.

And, last but not least, the most damning evidence of all:

Exhibit F:

F is for "I Dare You To Find A Copy Of This Book, Anywhere."

"See? I told you she didn't have a degree in child psychology."

Listen Lady Yoyo, there's no reason to be ashamed of the person you've become. After all, it's not such a far leap from "Sha-na-na-nahhh" to "Ga-ga-ro-ma-bleep-blurp." Just admit the truth about who you are, and we'll all go right back to completely ignoring you until you die.

Besides, we've got bigger fish to fry. Like trying to finally nail down that elusive Justine Bateman/Justin Bieber connection.

Sincerely,

Check out www.classicgaysitcoms.tv: Sticking it to Tina Yothers Since 2010!

www.classicgaysitcoms.tv