Dear Lady Gaga: You can only fool the American people for so long. A couple hundred years, at the most. Did you really think no one would ever come to realize your true identity?
In hindsight, the clues have been there all along. From your close ties to late-in-life-lesbianism (see: Meredith Baxter) and your commitment to bad taste for bad taste's sake (see: all of your performances), to the fact that - even as a child star - you looked like your face had been beaten with the business end of a discostick.
That's right, Gaga. We're calling bullshit on you - and your carefully-constructed celebrity persona non grata. We know for a fact that you're none other than America's favorite mid-to-late-80's adolescent butterball and star of Family Ties: Tina Yothers!
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I present you with...
You may not think of yourself as a cheetah, but we've grown tired of all your lion, Gaga.
You always went out of your way to look like a tulle, didn't you?
Even as a child, you had the weight of your shoulders on the world.
If there's a shred of compassion left in your soul, you'll tell us what the fuck you've done with Fozzie Bear!
A song on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.
And, last but not least, the most damning evidence of all:
"See? I told you she didn't have a degree in child psychology."
Listen Lady Yoyo, there's no reason to be ashamed of the person you've become. After all, it's not such a far leap from "Sha-na-na-nahhh" to "Ga-ga-ro-ma-bleep-blurp." Just admit the truth about who you are, and we'll all go right back to completely ignoring you until you die.
Besides, we've got bigger fish to fry. Like trying to finally nail down that elusive Justine Bateman/Justin Bieber connection.