Failed Religious Predictions, And What We Plan To Do For 2012

Armageddon, Hell, The Apocalypse. With 2012 racing towards us, It is time we take a breather and remind ourselves of the many failed predictions of religions. Those who still have followers today. Followed by Crackeds plans for 2012.

Before it's too late

Yeah that...Thats whats going to happen.

OK, clearly there are people who take advantage of the gullible. And 2012 is almost among us. What can Cracked do to help us through DEC 21, 2012?

We are glad you asked that, and you wont regret coming to us in these confusing times. You can trust us.

We have the faces of trust

With all the fear mongering going on at the history channel, we are here to present you with some facts.

1. Nobody really knows when the world will end. (According to DOB)

2. We bet it ends on DEC 21, 2012. (According to SWAIM, Gladstone, Fortey, and the other columnist you find funny.)

OK, its not the time to panic. I have talked to the editors and we have reached a decision. We wouldn't be the place you came to in time of panic if we didn't have a plan. We figure Armageddon is going to be a long drawn out affair, and seeing as how we love our boobies and penis jokes, we probably wont be the first called off this planet. So we need a place to escape to and defend our readers. Yes, we need a mother fucking COMPOUND.

A big fairy tale one.

This One...

But Rant, what about college, i start classes in 2012? Well, now is the time for choosing sides buddy. Are you going to be fighting the good fight with team cracked? Or are you going to be scrotum deep in some nasty demon orgy? That is what I thought. You wont need college. As a matter of fact we will be needing your savings account and college fund to buy our compound, and to train our army of demon eating critters.

. Death

Compounds guardian. Mooum meom.

But don't worry about not getting an education, Swaim and Gladstone will be having comedy courses, while Jack gives the finer points of prostitution. Because when we rebuild, we will still need the worlds oldest profession.

2012 FAQS

What can we do to prepare?

You need to put you complete trust in team Cracked. We have seen you through many disasters, and we will see you through this. All we need is your money, a couple (10) first class tickets to Mexico so we can scout a location for our compound, and to Digg every article that is posted in the mean while.

What if i don't have a savings account, or a college fund?

Do you have property or stocks you can sell?

No, No i don't.

Do you have a hot wife with big boobs?


Sorry, you will perish in the battle and go to hell. Next question.

When will we know if the world ends?

Dont come to us, we will come get you if the world ends.

What happens if the world doesnt end?

Are you lacking in faith of the great CRACKED? If the world doesn't end, its because WE saved it. Dont expect a refund.