Knights Vs Samurai

I have read many arguments on who would win: Ninjas or Pirates. Oh my simple childish friends. Pirates of course, they have guns. Now, people more mature as I, have come up with a more realistic and equally as compelling face-off: Knights Vs Samurai.

More of THIS intellectual stuff!

Just The Facts

  1. The Samurai (or Bushi) were a noble military class within Japan for over 1000 years and lived by a code of ethics known as 'Bushido' (in our langauge - "The Way of The Warrior")
  2. The Bushido stressed the concept's of loyalty to one's master, self discipline and respectful, ethical behaviour
  3. The Samurai's primary weapon (The Katana) is an iconic weapon, described as being a curved, slender, single edged blade, circular or squared guard with a long grip to accommodate two hands
  4. It pretty much fucks whatever it touches up
  5. The Knights, much like their Japanese counterparts, were a noble military class within Europe and also lived by a code. Their code however was known as 'Chivalry"
  6. The Code of Chivalry meant that Knights were sworn to uphold the values of Faith, Loyalty, Courage and Honour
  7. Although technology meant the weapons of Knights changed over the centuries, the primary weapon throughout, and the most prestegious to wield, was the sword
  8. If you don't know what a sword is your definately on the wrong page

Samurai - A Brief History of Epic Porpotions

First off, let me start by saying that this article is about real Samurai;

Not about whatever the hell this is

And with that...

The Samurai were prevalent through 5 different periods of Japans history, as the elite military class. This meant that for 1000 years their prime concern was thinking of newer, and more badass ways to massacre shit. These periods included the;

  • Heian Period (794-1185)
  • Kamakura Period (1192-1333)
  • Muromachi Period (1333 - 1573)
  • Azuchi-Momoyama Period (1573 - 1603)
  • Edo Period (1603 - 1868)

Of course, lots of different things happened which would display the kickass nature of the Samurai, but one which really stands out, and begs the question; where did the Samurai put their gigantic balls? Did they get their own armour, helmet and all? is the Satsuma Rebellion, which actually occurred in the later Meiji Era between January 29th 1877 and September 24 1877, 9 years after the end of the Edo Period.

Now to understand why this was so epic, you must first understand why the Edo Period ended.

Due to the technologies of the west, the Japanese government decided to abolish the Samurai class and take on a more western approach with conscripted armies that relied on guns instead of swords, to get the job done. Now whilst some Samurai decided to give up the sword and rise through the ranks as gunman; those who coudln't, became apart of what was one of the Ballsiet rebellion's of all time. Those very men, led by Saigo Takamori (who was at first apart of the Meiji Government, but then rebelled against corruption) decided they would remind their country just who the fuck made them what they are, and decided to attack Kumamoto Castle (one of the strongest and most defended castles in Japan) with their fucking Katana's. Bearing in mind this castle was home to over 3,800 soldiers and 600 policemen... with guns... and a fucking barrage of cannons, you would think that picking of a few thousand men with swords, whilst perched up on a tower, would be easier than a level in call of duty.

But apparently it wasn't

In fact, whilst they never managed to take the castle, they were victorious in pushing back their enemies and holding them until, in a dick move of Spencer Pratt porpotions, General Yamakawa Hrioshi decided it would be fun to reinforce the castle with 90,000 more men with guns. The ratio was now 90,000:15,000 and still, Saigo managed to hold on for another 8 days. Yet, in a series of smaller scale battles and one large 8 day fuckaround, Hiroshi managed to repel the rebels back.

After a seven day march *Retreat*, and thousands of casualties later, the battle of Shiroyama began. Not only did Hiroshi have his men with guns massacre the rebels positions, but he also had 5 ships in the nearby harbour blow the fuck out of them too. And still they did not retreat. So what did they do under these impossible odds with an estimated 40 men left at their disposal? Bitch out?

Fuck No.

They went on to fucking charge Hiroshi's army (all 40 of them) until being met with a shitstorm of bullets and finally keeling over and dying, In what I bet was one of the coolest positions ever.

And this was just the position Saigo's left nut died in

Knights - A Brief History

Much like the Samurai, the Knights also have a colourful background. Lucky for them however, they have for the most part been portrayed by decent actors... and not Tom Cruise... Who isn't even Japanese.

But anyway, like the Samurai they were the prevalent warrior class for a very long time in Europe and took part in too many battles to list in one paragraph. But for those who love movies; we can look back on the many movies that showed just how awesome they were at kicking ass.. wait? What about Braveheart, who with a buch of trees managed to rape and entire charge of Knights, with enough time to spare to show us Mel Gibson and a hundred others pale white Scottish asses.

Eat shit Longshanks (the name that inspired the popular porno 'Longwanks')

But what about other times when they managed to demonstrate just how much they kicked ass. Like in the crusades where wait... once again, failed. Now to be fair they actually managed to hold Jerusalem for sometime, and managed to reign victorious in some epic battles but come on? England pick up your game. I mean when one of your epic legends (i.e King Arthur) ends up to actually be based on a Roman who was just stationed in England, you know you went wrong somewhere.

I guess we have to get into the brong aspects of a battle between Knights and Samurais; which would be the technicalities behind it.

Knights Vs Samurai (Technically)

Both the Samurai and Knight where in fact incredibly similar when it came down to specifications for manufacturing them. Their armours were similar (while it is argued that the Knight's wore slightly better armour, and the Samurai's actually slightly hindered their movement), their experience were similar (both had fought in many wars and had been in the forefront of battle everytime) and even their weapons were similar (although the katana was in fact sharper than the average sword).

On top of this they both fought for a similar code. Meaning, the two warriors were in fact extremely similar, and the real threat to the world would be if the two did ever meet, and then became best freinds and decided to fuck the world in its medievil asshole.

However, the questions is who would win between a Knight and a Samurai.

With that, we will finally get onto the moment at hand! The Battle;

The Fucking Battle!

The samurai enters the ring, he has one hand one his katana hilt and the other on the handle. He walks to the middle of the ring.

The knight enters the ring, he (slightly clumsily) clanks to the middle of the ring holding a sword in one hand and a shield in the other.

The samurai bows, and gets into a wide stance and draws his katana, with the tip of the katana pointing in the direction of the knight, and lifts it above his head.

The knight positions his shield in front of him and readies his sword for striking. He charges...

*BANG* *BANG* Both samurai and knight fall to the ground dead, a pirate slowly enters the ring from a shadow, with a smoking flintlock pistol in each hand. Pirate wins, because he has a fucking gun, two in this case.

Yeah, we aren't scientists or historians, neither do we have a historical battle simulator that can figure out who wins in a battle, so fuck that. If your still interested, go watch the video below, they seem to know what they are doing.