Formspring is perhaps the best invention in the history of ever, and I fucking want to write an article about it because I fucking answer a shitload of questions on mine.

Because now you know you're not the worst person in the world.

Flirtng, at its best.

Everyone likes being a bit mental.

Just The Facts

  1. Formspring is a site where you can ask questions anonymously.
  2. Practically nobody actually gets questions.
  3. Everyone you know secretly has giant anonymous testicles.

Making a Formspring.

Making a Formspring is one of the most exciting things that will happen in your life. With Facebook, twitter, tumblr etc, you know what's going to happen. You know you're going to talk to your friends and you're going to be bored to shit of it, but hey, what else have you got to do.
Formspring is different. After the initial setup, people will call you an attention seeking beg and you will be ridiculed. How dare you ask people to ask you questions. You're a fucking dick. That's the first thing that happens when you create your Formspring, you morph into a giant fucking dick. I don't like you.
Formspring will help you start by asking you three questions. Three questions filled with grand wonder. I have picked three that I feel, answered together, sum me up:
'What is your favourite colour?' Purple.
'What's the origin of your name?' What the fuck. Parents.
'If you could be invited to one person's birthday party, whose would it be?' Anyone's...someone's.
Now you understand how to answer questions (Well done) you can see what sorts of delights your friends are giving you.
Are you a dick? Yes. Prepare to be insulted and assaulted with every possible type of insult. I don't care if you're underweight, you're fat. I don't care if you're a virgin, you're a slag. I don't care if you've shagged everyone, if you've not shagged me, you're fucking frigid. These will continue on and on for a while, and you'll deal with them at first. You'll be fine, you might even think of witty retorts...
And while this is going on, you will have (if you're lucky) an admirer, or two. Fantastic! You think. If people abuse me on here it's fine but when people compliment me it's basically an orgasm. You'll respond to these people with thank-yous and happy faces and exclamation points.
And finally, you have the people who use Formspring for its original intent. They ask questions, like 'How was your day?' Or 'Do you have any brothers and sisters?' And you will like these people too. They make you feel like your sordid and pathetic computer ridden life is worth sharing with the world. Like you mean something to someone somewhere. You don't.

Having a Formspring.

Now, you think at first that you're the bees knees, and other animals' fancy and perhaps rhyming parts. You bat away the abuse, you get complimented, and people care about your life.

Then there comes a point. A point where everything about Formsping becomes irritating to you. Nothing anyone says or does on it is right. I don't know when this point is, but you will hit it and you will hit it hard.

Towards the people who abuse you, you will go one of two ways. If you have less balls than the people abusing you, if the people abusing you abuse you really hard, you will give up. Formspring will have become a pit of despair, and you will close it down to avoid being called an 'Attention seeking pathetic lowlife who has no friends except his mum who you fuck.' Interchangeable pronouns and personal experiences aside, that is quite a sad state of affairs. When people close down their formspring, people just go about being mean to them on other people's Formsprings. There is a term for these people, they are called The Negatively Testicled. (The abusers...not the abused...)

The other way people begin to deal with abusers, as I myself have, is by simply responding 'Okay,' or 'Yes,' to the clever insults they fire at you. 'You're a dick.' 'Yes, I am.' 'You had sex with that slag.' 'Yes, I did.' 'No one will ever have sex with you you virgin.' 'True.' This is a far more difficult and wearing option than deleting your formspring, but you ain't no pussy.

To the people being nice to you, you will come to wonder who they are, and they will refuse to tell you. You will get annoyed. People who you used to thank and cyber smile at will become your greatest enemies, anonymous intrigues in a world filled with terrible things. Your curiosity will grow and grow until it becomes straight up hate and anger.

'You're really cool!' 'Thanks :) Who are you?' 'Can't say heeheee! You're fit too :) xxx' 'No no, you can say!' 'No, I can't, you'll think I'm weird.' 'NO I FUCKING WON'T YOU STUPID LITTLE WHORE, NOW SAY YOUR NAME OR GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE.'

They will hate you, they will leave you. You have just created another abuser, congratulations, you impatient dick.

And to the people who ask regular questions? They will become boring. You don't want to tell people how you are, or what you think of the sky, or if you think black is a shade or a colour. (it's a colour. No. Arguing.) Quite simply, their questions are wastes of time, so you reply to everything with the shortest possible answer and the vaguest details in order to trick them into going away. This does not happen, they just come back and call you boring and shit at Formspring as if 'Formspringing' is some talent which you can take lessons in or something. I charge ten dollars an hour.

In short, everyone on your Formspring is an incessantly irritating little shit who is a complete waste of your time and deserves to die. To everyone on your Formspring, you are a giant dick who deserves to die and rightfully so.

So, what can you do?

Absolutely nothing. Your life is fucked. There is nothing you can to do solve the situation except try and answer every question properly and avoid caring who the nice people are. This is impossible.

But, Formspring is fucking amazing and I love it and you will too. You won't care that you're slowly ruining every chance you ever had at anything ever in the world ever. You're the question king.