Cast Away

Never F***ing leave Helen Hunt!

Your witches curse nearly killed Tom Hanks!

Just The Facts

  1. 2000's Cast Away marked your last major motion picture appearance. Hollywood got hip to your sick and twisted Game Helen.
  2. Tom Hank's is no stranger to voodoo magic curses, example: BIG, Forrest Gump or Witches: Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail and Sleepless in Seattle.

Helen Hunt's Magical Powers

She managed to keep Paul Reiser under her spell for seven agonizing seasons, but we knew little of what this crazy witch was actually capable of.

Take for example 2000's "What Woman Want" where Helen puts a voodoo curse on Mel Gibson allowing him to hear everything woman are thinking. EVERYTHING! This curse mutated itself in 2006 causing the multi-talented Gibson to burst out in an anti-semitic tirade. Shame on you Helen.

In "Pay It Forward" Hunt's appetite for destruction gets Hailey Joel Osment knifed to death. His career has never been the same.

"As Good As It Gets" finds Hunt practicing her witchcraft on her very sick son as well as making her nipples appear hard under a wet t-shirt, attempting to come off as attractive. Now that is one of her ticks that failed miserably.

"Twister" saw Hunt conjuring large swirling masses of air that destroyed nearly everything and everyone in their path. She also managed to break up a marriage, kudos Helen.

In the classic television show "The Bionic Woman" Hunt played Princess Aura, who ran around casting spells of seduction on the cast and crew to win herself more roles. These spells had the reverse effect causing many of those charmed to vomit in disgust at the pile of crap they envisioned her future to be.

The Island

The Island

Now while Helen was about four years behind the curve in creating a really badass Island with ancient statues, natives and a very important yet seemingly meaningless number sequence. She did manage to send poor Tom to a personal hell that eventually forced him to befriend a volleyball.

The Package

While some have theorized that a satellite phone was nestled in that unopened package, I am inclined to believe it was a couple of things, namely, Kevin Spacey's heterosexuality, Hailey Joel Osment's faintly beating heart and a packet of pepperoni sticks, for which Hunt had an affinity.

Opening the package on the island would have bled any last bit of hope from Tom, leaving him in a sandy grave as Hunt had hoped. Instead he nobely returned the package to it's rightful owner, breaking the spell and getting some poonany in the process.

Wilson

Wilson

Let's be honest, Wilson got in Hunt's way during the audition process and payed the ultimate price. You were more than likely looking at the next big thing, a sexless sex symbol of epic proportions suddenly reduced to a role without dialogue.

Wilson I pray for you. That dirty shrew Helen Hunt screwed us out of a real talent.

And on top of all that...

She leaves Tom Hanks for Mr. Big from Sex and the City. After all the struggles and hardships, Tom manages to break out of the prison he was sent to and miraculously make it back home, where he finds that not only has the devious Helen Hunt thrown a funeral for him, but she has married and had kids with this walking turd.

Mr Big

Before he had on-screen sex with a horse for a paycheck this guy helped father the spawn of Helen Hunt in the beloved and award winning film Cast Away.

Bottom line, after switching off an episode of "Mad About You" a mere two minutes in I knew you were trouble Helen Hunt. Your like one of the witches from "Hocus Pocus" if they commanded the Dark Side of the Force and drank virgin blood.