bowflex

"Hey you! Yeah you! Fuck you! Pussy! Little fuckin' shaved bird lookin'..punk bitch. Tha fuck you lookin at? Huh? I just wanna punch you so bad! I just wanna punch you in the throat...so...much...I...Agh...AAGGGGH!!!! (Furious Siezing"

(Before Bowflex) Hey you!! Yeah You!! I...Agh AAAAGGH!!! (Furious Siezing)

(After Bowflex) Basktetball Superstar that also sleeps with every girl you ever loved.  Go ahead think of one. Yup--plowed

Fag

Just The Facts

  1. Bowflex is the only thing...the ONLY thing that could make you less of a pussy and more someone your old man will want to have a cold one with
  2. Bowflex was invented on the MIR space station by Soviet Cosmonauts-Then Americans stole it and made money, America for the win *(citation needed?)
  3. All BS aside, the constant tension on your muscles does have muscle activating properties that simply cannot be done with conventional weights. Fact.
  4. Another Fact. Owning a Bowflex automatically increases your dick size 3 inches and adds 100 horsepower to whatever car you drive

Does the description in the summary sound like you?

If that little block of text in the summary sounds like the noise people make when you walk near or around them, be it at the gym, the beach, the ghetto, the library etc. then maybe its time you stopped peeing sitting down and started using BOWFLEX!!!

Bowflex is the difference between losing the game, or winning homecoming and banging the prom queen. (Thats from Michael bay's "THE ROCK")

So what the hell is it and how will it make gravity look like a little bitch?

What does Bowflex mean? Well to put it in terms even you, an inspiration for birth control, could understand. Bowflex means results. The Bowflex super engineered fitness equipment that helps you

1. build stronger muscles and a leaner body.

2. Increase metabolism so much so that you will literally be able to eat lightning! Straight up lightning...

3. Reduces amount of painful heart ache you will have to endure cuz seriously she must be as lesbo as Elena Kagen to say no to that eight-pack

4. Reduce body fat, you disgusting....Freakin'.....UURRRRRHHKKKKKK (Collapses from rage induced PTSD)

5. Reduce back pain

6. Reduces joint pain (Although you may get a sore finger from flipping off everyone while you walk around shirtless)

7. Increases HDL Cholestrol: I have no idea what that is but rest assured you need ALOT more of it. Im no Dr. House but im pretty sure HDL is the stuff that makes you grab life by the balls and commands you to a life of living dangerously on the edge. Of COURSE you need more of that.

8. Increases bone density--Pretty self explanatory, your boner becomes like solid steel. With enough practie, if you were so inclined, you could use it as a make-shift crowbar in a pinch

9. Increases speed of digestion--You will need a high rate of digestion if all your daily diet consists of (or should consist of) is discipline, hard work, and lightning

10. Reduce your blood pressure- Yeah it reduces your blood pressure, but not in the place that counts! (If that one is kinda a stretch to get, Im referring to the blood pressure in your...Ya know...

The Bowflex home Transformation system (they call them homegyms) comes in several flavors depending on your income and/or how bad you wanna get your ex girlfriend jealous.

The classic home gym.

Bowflex® Classic Home Gym

This is the one that started it all. Utilizing the new "PowerRod" technology (pun intended) this machine creates constant resistance through the positive and negative phases of the lift you are doing, which helps activate and recruit more muscle fibers than standard weights alone, and the design of the machine allows alot of freedom and versatility in exercise choices. It can also be folded up and does not take up too much space. Simply put--this machine can be configured to do over 30 exercises, does not take up too much space, and most of all- It works!

There are definately more models than this one but part of the fun is looking for new ones, right?

Just ask these people

Before Bowflex:

skinny-guy-oct-large.jpg picture by tolbok

FAG!!!!

After Bowflex:

vin_diesel_16.jpg picture by tolbok

Total badass...but still...Bisexual...Bowflex can only do so much about that.

Before BowFlex:

Runner.jpg picture by tolbok

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! WTF is that?

After Bowflex:

stone-cold-steve-austin.jpg picture by tolbok

NO! NO!!! I DIDN'T MEAN IT!!! NOOOO!!!!! (Punches landing with sickening thud sounds)

It even works for dogs!

Before bowflex:

Whippetsmall.jpg picture by tolbok

Bad dog! BAD DOG!!!

After bowflex:

MuscleWhippet.jpg picture by tolbok

THERE IS NO GOD!!!!!! AAAAGGGGHH!!!

Coupongreeting.jpg g picture by tolbok

Your welcome