Power Stance

A Power Stance is the ultimate ability a man can perform. If done correctly it can make you rich, handsome or even a musical God, with more talent than a Dylan-Elvis-Lennon sandwich.

This is Mark Gormley, you will never be as good as him at anything.

Just The Facts

  1. A Power Stance will make you attractive to any woman. ANY woman.
  2. If a woman says she is not attracted to you after a successful Power Stance, the correct action will be to assume she is insane and so a pimp slap must follow. Maybe even rape.
  3. Statistics show that all the great world leaders, from Alexander to Henry VIII and even Washington Power Stanced their way to victory on the battlefields.

What in the name of Jesus is a Power Stance and how the Dickens does one do it?

A Power Stance can be used for many things. Well, actually, no. It's used for one thing, and that is to look awesome to everyone else around you by simply making a pose.

There is more than one type of Power Stance, but all are acceptable if you wish to get girls, scare people or simply make the whole experience of being drunk that little bit better...

The type 1 or 'Wellington'- Arms folded (or on hips for an alternative). Legs do not necessarily have to be displayed as the power comes from the facial expression. WARNING: CAN ONLY BE USED BY POWERFUL OR INTIMIDATING PEOPLE. (Just because you've completed Dead Space without ruining your new fancy IKEA bed sheets doesn't mean you fit into this category).

This is Wellington, and you have just ruined your new underwear.

Unless you are this hardcore, this Stance is not one you should EVER attempt.

The type 2 or 'Slash'- This is one for everybody. Legs must be spread further than your girlfriends were with that guy she was with the other night because you ditched her to play COD4 with Barry from across the street. (That guy was better looking aswell). The more drunk you are the better. Cigarettes are a fabulous optional and the same goes for shades and leather jackets. Did someone say...Top Hats?

If you don't look like this, why don't you?

You just know that this is what all men should aspire to be like.

The type 3 or 'BodyBuilder'- Easily the most homo-erotic stance and perhaps the most common, this Stance is used by well built men and women who wish they were men. Through rigorous searching around Google Images that took nearly all of four minutes, it appears ugliness is also a key feature, perfect for the everyday CRACKED reader. One does not have to be well built to participate in this Stance, in fact, in many cases skinnier men get a better reception because you know you could (probably) beat them in a fight.

I actually have this underwear in a sky blueThis is you

This is actually the same person, his name is Harold and he has had sex more times than you have masturbated.

The type 4 or 'Freddie'- We've all listened to Queen at some point, and we've all found Freddie mercury in a catsuit slightly arousing in a way that made us question our sexuality. (Don't shake your head, you liar). But what many people do not realise is that the reason that the whole world found this man so God-like was his Power Stance that would have made Xerxes in 300 blush. It is unethical for me to tell you to attempt this one, and even if successful you will most likely attract men, so all straight men should stick to the BodyBuilder or Slash, whilst people like Swaim and DOB will be more suited to the Wellington.

I know, right?

Attempt this at your peril, the Freddie has a failure rate of 95%.

When the Devil should one attempt a Power Stance?

You're seriously asking me that? Why not ask me when to breathe? Or where can you find porn? This answer should be obvious, there is NEVER a wrong time to power stance

This is a variant of the Wellington and the Slash. Yes, you can mix it up

This bear even Power Stanced at his own Wedding, with no pants on!

Mark Gormley

Most CRACKED readers will be aware of this man due to Swaim's episode about amateur music videos.

Whilst singing about nature or troubles with one of his most recent of bitches (he gets through thousands), M.G makes sure to pull out the most bitching Stances this side of Henry VIII.

There is no point in attempting his Stances, but it is useful to look at to have something to aspire to.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87nkJquHnAU (NSFW for those who can't handle awesome in such copious amounts).

Note how he doesn't needs to use his arms or even facial expressions. His angelic voice mixed with his hypnotic switching of feet creates a sense of ecstasy.

Enchance the Stance!

Whilst America has to deal with Presidents dressed in bland looking suits, many countries of Europe have Monarchs that make sure that looking pimp is always number one on their list of being an absolute badass. As recently mentioned, here is Henry VIII:


Now let's discuss what makes him such an artist at the Power Stance:

1. This is a variant of the Slash, but this completely pwns a top hat.

2. Note the arms on hips, a typical Wellington characteristic.

3. That is a face that knows he can sleep with your girlfriend whenever he wants to. He can even kill her.

4. What, you thought only rappers could wear a medallion?

5. Yes, that's a FUCKING KNIFE (a common custom for most English people nowadays is to have at least one knife).

6. Legs are apart. A true professional.

The use of accessories is what we here at Power Stance Academy call Enhancing the Stancing. Only the most practiced can do it correctly, and amateurs who attempt such advanced Stance techniques generally get eaten by Werewolves. [citation needed]

However, for those of you that do this correctly, Megan Fox will be buying you a copy of Kama Sutra to read through together in no time.

Warning. P.S.A do not guarantee that Megan Fox will have sex with you. She's way too good looking for you.

This picture should make clear which position is her favourite.

Good luck to all of you, keep this information in mind and you will never get any woman you want!