Canibus

In a world full of drugs and shocking internet porn, one thing remains sacred: the entrance into manhood. In the world of hip hop, this takes the form of a rap rivalry. This is the story of one man and his journey into manhood.

The tat that started it all

Just The Facts

  1. He was born in Jamaica, and his father was a professional cricket player. Sweet.
  2. He studied fucking computer science at Dekalb College. COMPUTER SCIENCE!
  3. He had a knack for pissing everyone off, including LL Cool J and his own manager/producer, Wyclef Jean

The Feud... Part One?

Germaine Williams-Quite possibly the only IT-guy-turned-rapper in the history of hip hop. We speculate that his stage name, Canibus, stems from his Jamaican heritage. It could also be Latin based, although "of the dogs" isn't a very badass stage name, to be perfectly honest. We may never know for sure (but we prefer to stick to our stereotypes).

Things started off smoothly; he was busting rhymes and sticking it to the man. Before long he decided he wanted to be taken seriously as a rapper, and pissed off LL Cool J by making a comment about a tattoo on the other man's arm during a song, specifically, "L, is that a mic on your arm? Let me borrow that." Cool J decided to be a pansy bitch about it and take offense.

It would take some HUGE balls to piss this guy off

It would take some huge balls to piss this guy off.

Our man the Can, being the smoooooooth guy that he is, swore to infinity and beyond that he was just paying tribute to L, a hip hop legend. Cool J didn't buy it, threw some lines back, and war erupted. They started throwin down lines like it wasn't nobody's business, and little IT geek Germaine Williams became a man in the eyes of millions of fans. We like to pretend he also had to read from the Torah, and that his family carried him around the room on a chair to celebrate his entrance into manhood. No sources indicate this, much to our dismay.

Because One Wasn't Enough

Eventually the blitzkreig of eloquence between Canibus and LL Cool J diminished from an unquenchable thirst for the others humilation, into a small tickle fight between two people who happen to hate each other.

Any reasonable person would consider their survival after a brush with Cool J, a man who could easily rip someone's brain out through their nostrils, a success. But not Mr. Williams! After all, why rest when you have billions of people that you haven't pissed off yet? Why, indeed. And what better place to start than your manager/producer?

When Canibus made a record that totally blew, with the exception of one song, he decided to revoke his manhood by blaming his producer, Wyclef Jean. Probably not a smart move, since anyone with a name like Wyclef has a sixty-eight percent chance of being a wizard. Or a voodoo master. At any rate, Jean got kicked to the curb and Canibus used the title track on his next album to push the blame entirely on the man ("You mad at the last album? I apologize for it. Yo, I can't call it, motherfucking Wyclef spoiled it!"). As if having a weird as fuck first name didn't do enough to keep the poor man from getting laid.

Actually, chicks might not even get close enough to know his name

We're assuming, of course, that any women would even get close enough to learn his name at all.