The Elderly

The Elderly are a serious problem in the US. Despite being typically useless, crotchety, and smelly, old people draw our hard earned Social Security money, just because of their impending death.

After realizing that she was completely useless, Margaret began contemplating suicide. However, her window is not handicap accessible.

Just The Facts

  1. The Elderly sometimes smell like fecal matter.
  2. Old people with Alzheimer's are fun to play hide and seek with.
  3. Without old people, getting from point A to point B would be so much faster.

Cracked on The Elderly

Ever met a grumpy old man who insisted you stay off of his lawn? Remember the time where you called his bluff and ran around on his lawn, only to be fired upon with a double barrel 10 gauge shotgun? Well, I remember it like it was yesterday at 4:37 PM. Sometimes I feel bad for the Elderly, understanding that I'd be grumpy too if every trip or fall could mean instant death. Then I remember that old people usually give nothing back to society, or me for that matter. They also draw on Social Security, which makes me irate as we all know all old people ever do is sit around and watch the Price is Right and buy shitty knick knacks off of QVC. What do they do to deserve getting paid to do nothing, besides being old?

Old People

"Oh, how I love the smell of money wasted in the morning. Don't you agree, Nancy?

The Elderly can be compared to infants in the sense that both parties are completely dependent on other people to survive. In retirement homes, old people have a complete wait staff to feed them, bathe them, and then to dispose of their dead bodies when the staff gets fed up of all their old people bullshit. Even the Elderly who haven't been moved to retirement homes invest in other devices to insure their survival, such as the Life Alert system. However, the Life Alert system is very inefficient, because I remove the batteries every time I see one.

Life Alert

This feels lighter than usual.

Until I get caught, this will be my method of choice for old people elimination.

Uses For Old People

Here are some clever ways of thinning out the old people population:

1.) Elderly Survivor

Take the Survivor series to a whole new level. All old people, no Life Alerts, no tapioca. Make them all be naked, and all the challenges consist of fighting to the death over who gets the last hearing aid battery. Instead of extinguishing a torch when voted off the island. the loser is incinerated and their ashes are fed to the remaining survivors . I feel like just the fact that old people would be naked would draw a huge crowd, with even more tuning in when they realize that there will be multiple fatalities over prune juice.

2.) Old People Gladiator

Armor? Check. Battle Axes? Check. Horses? Check. Orthopedic shoes? Check. Old people fighting to the death for the glory of getting their picture taken with Bob Barker. Also, they get 5 minutes to discuss with Bob Barker about how much of a fag Drew Carey is.

3.) Pyramid Refurbishing

The Pyramids in Egypt are awfully sandy, aren't they? It's time to dust those motherfuckers off and do some maintenance. You get to fix one of the Wonders of the World, and dispose of some of the Elderly. Sounds win-win to me.

All joking aside, I really do hate old people.