Shinya Aoki

He's the latest MMA import from Japan. He's a maniacal grappling gumby machine combined with the striking of a twelve year old and the pants of a 1980's glam rock band. He's Shinya Aoki.

If you're feeling lazy, this pretty much sums it up.

Just The Facts

  1. Shinya Aoki is the Dream, Shooto and WAMMA champion.
  2. Aoki has a background in Jui Jitsu and Judo with blackbelts in both.
  3. Do not stare directly into his pants.

Cracked on Shinya Aoki.

Here at Cracked, we're no experts on.. well anything- but we like to think we know the bare minimum about everything. Shinya Aoki is the latest fighter to come to the glorious U. S. of A. to make a splash on the MMA scene. Aoki has had a phenomenal career in Japan getting ludicrous mileage on his grappling skills.

If we had fathers they would tell us, "Closing your fist is the first step to winning a fight."

If you're a fan of the Japanese MMA scene, you've likely watched many intro videos where Aoki makes a joke, rides in a car, talks to his father and then cries. All the while you'll be left sitting in your in front of your TV at 5 am. wondering, "Wtf Japan.." Here's what we've gathered.... Uh actually just watch this.

Aoki's intro videos might make as much sense as a Tekken ending movie. (Exactly what the fuck is up with Heihachi anyway? Isn't he like 900 years old now?) Shinya Aoki's ring performance, however, makes perfect sense. Some of the greatest champions in MMA aren't all that well rounded. Chuck Liddel made a career out of making his opponents fight his fight. Matt Hughes once set a record as being one of the most dominating champions of all time. Fighters like this can often dominate the game by letting their opponents know exactly what they're going to do. They just do it do better then their opponent can stop it. We see a lot of similar aspects in Shinya Aoki.

It's no mystery that Aoki is going to hit you with slap boxing, look goofy and pull guard; then he's going to tap your ass out.

Aoki Shinya

Then he's gonna cry.

Shinya Aoki's Strengths.

Which one of these guys used to be a cop in Japan?

We're not quite sure how anonymity outside of the ring and complete flamboyancy inside the ring works. But it certainly does work.

Dream Lightweight Champion.

Shooto Middleweight Champion.

WAMMA Lightweight Champion.

The first fighter to win a professional MMA match with a Gogoplata.

The first fighter to win a professional MMA match with a mounted Gogoplata.

Effectively used the De La Riva guard in a professional MMA match to deliver heel strikes.

1st place at ADCC Japan.

1st place Top five collegiate Judoka.

While Shinya Aoki was at one time ranked #2 Lightweight in world, this legacy was cracked (Yeah baby you like that?) a little when he lost handily to Strikeforce Lightweight Champion, Gilbert Melendez. Noticeably missing from the fight was his magic pants.

Noticeably present was the crying.

The United States has a zero-tolerance policy in place on "Fun" in MMA. Stateside, MMA takes itself very seriously. There are no 7ft. giants fighting 185 lb. pro-wrestlers. Anything even slightly outside of a fighters weight class is deemed irrelevant. It often seems as if fighters that are not on a path to a world title are obsolete. Fighters whos winning streaks get snapped against a top ranked opponent are washed up. Most importantly, anything looking remotely gay while two men are grappling is strictly forbidden.

Almost anything.

Shinya Aoki's Pants.

Shinya Aoki still has a lot of mileage left on those grappling skills. His pants are almost undefeated.

(W) Pants via Submission. (Triangle Choke.)

(W.) Pants via DQ (Groin Strike.)

Way to take one for the team, Pants.

(W.) Pants via Submission. (Flying Triangle Choke.)

(W.) Pants via Omfg! Dude! He just used a Gogoplata in Professional MMA!

(W.) Pants via Split Descision. (Rumor has it, one of the judges sports yellow spandex.)

(W.) Pants via Submission (Armbar.)

(W.) Pants via JD. (Unanimous.)

(W.) Pants via JD. (Unanimous.)

(W.) Pants via Submission. (Mounted Gogoplata.)

We're not just making shit up. This time.

(W.) via JD. (Unanimous.)

"Wtf Japan." "Did we seriously just drink 7 Redbulls to watch this?"

(L.) Hansen via Hellboy hammer fists.

(W.) Pants via Submission. (Neck Crank.)

(W.) Pants via Submission. (Heel hook.)

(W.) Pants via Submission. (Epic failure to showboat.)

(L.) "Mach" Sakurai via Total disrespecting the pants.

(W.) Pants via Submission. (Revenge Armbar.)

(W.) Pants via Submission. (Hammerlock gone wild.)

No pants.

Anyone doubting the stolen Leprechaun Magic in the spandex of Aoki's pants can now present their case to our comments department.