Faux Hawk

The Faux Hawk is essentially the "My first Mohawk" of the fashion world.

Sadly in this case, it hasn't progressed...

Just The Facts

  1. Faux Hawks existed a long, long time ago.
  2. Sadly through the powers of Beckham and shampoo, it was revived.
  3. Real men get Mohawks, you pussy...

The Faux Hawk, the birth of a failed abortion.

There are two myths surrounding the origin of the Faux Hawk, the only thing they have in common is that David Beckham is a douche.

Before the Faux Hawk, the adult edition called a "Mohawk" (Mow-whore-hk) existed, it was a staple in the punk rocker lifestyle and only those who had around twelve hours and a few litres (That's right, metric bitch) of hairspray had them.
This all changed at the turn of the century, when, through the powers of the Dark Lord and David Beckham, a Mohawk substitute was constructed.
This Tofu-like creation is one of the most devious creations by the Dark Lord thus far.
Thanks to this evil twist of what would now be, in fashion terms, an aging pensioner, the Mohawk was ressurected and neutered to become known as a Faux Hawk.

The second idea to the origin of the Faux Hawk, is slightly more viable but just as twisted...

With the haircut being taken up in droves by small children and David Beckham. The birth the Faux Hawk came about when someone famous did what the average Cracked reader does every evening in the shower (If you do shower, you filthy hippy...). Make a Fake Mohawk with shampoo, get it in your eyes, and whilst your eyes start to burn with an unholy hatred of your face, you accidentally relieve (piss) yourself all over your feet. Being famous and all, they decided that they just invented the coolest hairstyle known to mankind and had to get the word out there. In that ten minute timespan required to thinkout such a complex and cunning idea, an entire Faux lifestyle was born.

Reasons someone would subject themselves to this watered down Mohawk.

A major reason to adopt a Faux Hawk is to avoid the conundrum created when the wearer gets a Mohawk, wakes up each morning and spends approximatly twelve hours preparing their Mohawk for their day at work, after which, when they arrive at work, the working day is already over, after a few days of this, the wearer will be fired.
As the wearer can no longer afford to buy the ungodly amounts of hairspray to sustain the Mohawk, this causes the wearers Mohawk to become depressed and floppy.

Pictured: Depressed Mohawk

After the wearer has reached the stage of depressed Mohawk, they get their hair restyled to be suitable for work and rejoin the workforce as a productive member of society.

But sadly, after a few months have passed, the wearer has forgotten about his prior life and old companion, "Mr. Mohawk", so he goes to the Hairdressers, but notices a new employee there, who, although seemingly nice, has a creepy and dark air about her, but she's hot, so they let her style their hair.

She mentions offhandly about a new and cutting edge cut called a Faux Hawk, those repressed memories start to come flooding back, but she's rubbing herself against the wearer in an attempt to distract him, it works.
Walking out of the store, the wearer realizes what a terrible mistake he has made, he's adopted all the horrible side effects of a Mohawk, without any of the awesome benefits.

It starts off okay at first, but the wearer starts to notice small things around him changing, friends start avoiding him and use any excuse to do so, men like David Beckham start sending emails regarding the happenings of the weekend and some new "lover of the week" article, that always seems to involve them.

So essentially, this entire section is saying that you popped a boner over the hot female cutting your hair and you didn't notice she was giving you a Mohawk for sissies as you were too busy trying to hide your man-wood.

Social ramifications.

With members of the Film Actors Guild and Soccer-show-ponies trying to seem "hip" and "innit", it's not that hard to see why todays youth is as jilted as it is and to be rather thankful that they're too distracted by their iPods and iPhones to give a damn, otherwise they'd be all up in your shit with a Starbucks coffee in one hand and an iApp to piston pump your anus in the other.
Someday, in the very near future, if not now for you future dwellers, the Faux Hawk will be mocked until the end of time as that failed inbred Half-Son, Half-Cousin between a socially
acceptable hairstyle and that of an awesome hairstyle.


You know what, screw you Beckham, screw you.



Yeah, even this kid has bigger balls than you...