Bruce Lee

Bruce Lee’s a cultural icon; his influences extend from acting to any Asian comic character you know. Despite of his short life, he made of himself an ass kicking machine, capable of putting to shame the most mustache-worthy contenders.

Just The Facts

  1. Bruce Lee was and will be the only male being that can pull off wearing yellow trousers.
  2. Chuck Norris is one of the most powerful mustached...dare I say human? Bruce Lee kicked his ass while in the process ripping some of his abundant chest hair.
  3. Bruce Lee founded Jeen Kune Do, a martial art that can only be mastered by defeating several characters of Mortal Kombat.

Bruce Lee's Origins

Despite of popular belief, Bruce Lee wasn't American or Chinese. His origins are a little more complicated and whoooooppaa!! than the traditional stories our parents have told us. In fact, through the pass of time the truth about Bruce Lee has been diminished to the level of Green Hornet's foreign sidekick, without knowing how much of a fancy tea-sipping lady Green Hornet was in comparison to Kato (name that means sneaky masked testicle hitter, at least for me it means that).

Don't get confused by the slightly affeminate pose, he's ready to silently kick ass

The Birth

At a dark time when pussyness surrounded the world and molded the minds of Ingrid Bergman fans, the Whoopass Lords decided to create a being so tough that it could easily make Satan cry, just after stealing his lunch money, wedge until ripping his evil leather thong and finally kicking his crotch while unconscious. Created from total beating kung-fu mud, Bruce Lee emerged from the gates of Awesomenia & Kickasseria; a place heavily guarded by the most incredibly ready to smack down characters, such as Optimus Prime, Ultraman and Lion-O, sometimes accompanied by the rest of the Thundercats.

Feline equivalent of Bruce's total badassery

Immediately after Bruce arrived to this world of wussies, he noticed the lack of any fist power, not to mention the kick-less lives, carrying on jobs with no workers on fetal position moaning after ball unexpected high kick. He was then forced to bring joyful pain to many kids that urged for it (metaphorically, it's said Bruce's punches can pulverize an entire pre-school classroom).

The Life

For this anthrop-kickass creature it was particularly easy to incur on the movie world. The first time Bruce was seen on his natural environment (tenths of less muscular Asian guys lying painfully on the floor), it was more than evident that anyone with a sense of awesomeness would enjoy zillions of hours of this bloody art demonstration.

Bruce's fight against pussyness reached its peak when the amazingly shoulder and chest haired Chuck Norris opposed to him. Not a sign of naivety from Chuck but the need for him to die on Bruce's hands, such an honor and pleasure only comparable to dying while receiving an unexpected blow job.

Pictured: Chuck Norris on a state of enormous arousal

The Death?

One of the bullshittiest moves that our ancestors have pulled on us is the supposedly unimpressive death of Bruce Lee, for which I have come up with some hypothesis, restoring his balls of steel and badassness in overall:

Time Travel: Bruce Lee traveled in time to fight on World War III, between Russians and Bolivians. The Bolivians summoned him as a last resort after they found the last copy of "Enter the Dragon" inside the only VCR remaining, they guessed his kicking ass ability could destroy the Russian army of Ivan Drago clones. He hasn't been able to come back since the De Lorean never got to Bolivia. According to Mayan believes, he will return in 2013, to recreate human kind.

The regular De Lorean can't handle high levels of ass-kickiness

Undercover Spy: a worldwide organization hired Bruce Lee due to his badassery and elegance while kicking lesser agile contenders on the face. He would have Chuck Norris as a sidekick, however, the job was rethought because his mustache could be too distracting on any mission, it couldn't be covered with any kind of Mission Impossible mask.

The mustache would tell on them immediately. Mustaches can't be trusted, furry assholes.

Real Kato: there was no coincidence on Bruce Lee starring as Kato in the 60's, he's that freakin' awesome. Due to some inconveniences, Bruce Lee had to retire completely as a Hollywood masked artillery for kicked asses and do it so on the regularly mean but in Bruce's standards affeminate-like to dress as an elegant lady at night- streets. So, don't worry if you're about to get mugged, thieves testicles are always unaware of Bruce presence.