God Of War 3

What happens when a half naked man throws knives at the Greek Gods? Whacky mayhem, that's what!

Just The Facts

  1. God of War 3 is the fifth title in the God of War series (no, we didn't screw up the math!)
  2. It's about Kratos, an angry Greek demi-god who decides he's had enough of these motherfuckin Gods on this motherfuckin mountain!
  3. The game looks awesome!
  4. It takes every oppurtunity to throw either gore or boobs at you, whichever is most convenient.

The Greek Gods? In a game? Madness!

Not as silly as you'd think, actually. The concept is solid, considering the gameplay the developers are working with consists of jumping, slashing and rolling around. What else was there to do in ancient Greece? Fuck all unless you count the olympics and anal sex, but we don't count those because they're both pointless!

Who thought this was clever?

It's rather unclear as to why Kratos is so angry with the Gods. Yes, there's the overall storyline of his "REVENGE" (pronounced with a roar, and a rage filled face) and the fact that all the Gods will fall, but seriously, this guy needs to take a sedative. Lie down, have a cup of tea. Looking back at the previous game (God Of War 2, not the dumbass portable one), it turns out that Zeus is Kratos' father, which obviously means he has to die, since, you know, the father always has to die in these things. It's like a rule. A retarded rule, sure, but a rule.

The game is a basic hack 'n' slash, and it follows a storyline involving a flame, a young girl, a large labyrinth and the "REVENGE" we mentioned earlier. It's all very soap opera-ey, and we don't want to get involved in such matters. The point is, while the story is lacking somewhat, the gameplay is rather fun. Especially when you start crushing peoples faces with the Nemean Cestus which you nick off Hercules, since he'd just use them for punching women and what not. Probably.

There'll be no beating of women with this guy. He's the poster boy for "Nice Gentlemen"

Who's in it then?

We only need to give you one name to let you know that this game is a winner. No-one else could play Hercules but this guy!


That's right. Kevin Sorbo is in this game. Hercules is played by Hercules!

Oh, and then there's these other guys, not sure what to make of them, weird names, like Rip Torn and Malcolm Mcdowell. We hear they're pretty famous, but let's face it, they're no Kevin Sorbo!

Video-game Character Retirement/Mental Home: God Of War Wing

Patients Name: Kratos

Age: Unknown

Reason For Admission: Severe Mental Issues, Anger Problems

Further Details: Problems stem from bloody history. Suffers from anxiety in the presence of other people. Has attacked 14 members of staff. Patient seems unable to utter any word other than "Revenge".


Patients Name: Zeus

Age: Patient claims "God's have no age". Taking a guess? 50

Reason For Admission: Delusions of grandure, god complex, serial adulterist

Further Details: Claims to be god of the sky and thunder. Has made passes at 98% of the female staff to date, cafeteria access is now perminantly denied.

Patients Name: Hercules

Age: 36

Reason For Admission: Paternal dependency, fear of seperation

Further Details: Keep patient away from Kratos at all costs. We're still rebuilding the entrance hall to this place because of last time!

Patient Name: Gaia

Age: Old!

Reason For Admission: She's made of shit that can't be alive!