The Last Dragon

The Last Dragon is what you get when a record company gets a hold of a really cheesy martial arts script.

Just The Facts

  1. Produced by Berry Gordy, founder of Motown Records/Productions.
  2. The last film to ever be produced under Motown Productions.
  3. This movie is one big mash-up of music videos and Bruce Lee montages (It was the 80s, so bear with us).

Achieving "The Glow" (with Spoilers)

"Bruce" Leroy Green (Taimak), like many of us here at Cracked, is on a mission to emulate the badassness of the great Bruce Lee. However, instead of sitting at the computer masturbating to porn all day, he actually tries to achieve a powerful force called The Glow (or are they both the same thing?) through his expert martial arts skills. Or rather, by not using them. Not to say he doesn't have the talent, he just chooses to be a pussy at the worst moments. Anyways, he catches a bullet with his teeth during the climax, so that makes up for all the times he didn't take action. Also, he eats popcorn with chopsticks.

Throughout his journey, he encounters a lot of distractions, namely Laura Charles (Vanity, aka one of Prince's bitches), a beautiful singer who he has to save a few times; some really crazy record promoter trying to get his Cyndi-Lauper-wannabe girlfriend famous; and the biggest distraction of them all, Debarge's "Rhythm of the Night."

Seriously, check out those jheri curls.

But no enemy can compare to...

Sho'Nuff, The Shogun of Harlem

Sho'Nuff: Am I the meanest?
Gang: Sho'Nuff!
Sho'Nuff: Am I the prettiest?
Gang: Sho'Nuff!
Sho'Nuff: Am I the baddest mo-fo, low-down, around this town?
Gang: Sho'Nuff!
Sho'Nuff: Well, who am I?
Gang: Sho'Nuff!
Sho'Nuff: Who am I?
Gang: Sho'Nuff!
Sho'Nuff: I can't hear you!
Gang: Sho'Nuff!
Sho'Nuff: The Shogun of Harlem!

If that doesn't tell you how much of a badass mofo he is, then let us sit here while he picks you up and throws you into a garbage can filled with swimming piranhas. He continuously harasses Leroy and challenges him to a motherfuckin' duel every chance he gets. He kicks Leroy's undefended ass whenever he is given the opportunity. He leads a gang of brightly-colored "samurai" without looking the least bit fruity. He even has his own special red Glow handy. With traits like that, you don't say no to Sho'Nuff.

The Remake

Yes, there is a remake in the works. If you thought Sho'Nuff couldn't be more badass, then wait until you realize that none other than Samuel L. Jackson will be playing the role of the Shogun of Harlem. Now don't tell us that doesn't melt your eyeballs out of their sockets, because it clearly does, and clearly your fingers are typing things like ";kjhgjk>hgcaduirthpeoi]<];be". Your fingers do not deceive us.