If Disney Remade Snow White (and Other Disney Classics)

If Disney ever remade Snow White and the other Disney classics they would be movies not cartoons. Chldren are far more sophisticated these days.

Snow White in the modern day...

Just The Facts

  1. Disney would now have to make the classic fairy tales politically correct and informative to children of the 21st century.
  2. Snow 'white' would have a hell of a time shacking up with the seven vertically challenged men. Maybe snow white could be played by Miley Cyrus, her pops is open minded.
  3. Snow white would be liable to charge the prince with sexual assault for waking her beauty sleep, in a glass box at that by kissing her.

Politically correct Snow White

Firstly lets look at this story from a modern viewpoint. Snow white the innocent rosy cheeked teen, is picked on by her wicked witch (witches world wide are greatly hurt by this stereo type) step mother (without social welfare intervening?). She runs away from home and shacks up with seven vertically challenged miners, in exchange for being used as a white slave that happily does the house work and cleans the jock straps of these fellows. Firstly I have to challenge the innocent rosy faced teen and look at Disneys previous teen movie "Mean Girls". Yup snow white would not willing have left the safety of daddy's wallet at any point and would have been less snow than slush. The idea this is a white chick is also pretty degrading now, cos it don't matter if your black or white in Hollywood, you just have to be insipid and lack moral gravitas. Next we have to look at the wicked step mother. Well um have you ever met a teen girl who 'likes' her step mum? Really? Its basically written into the contract that step parents have a valid amount of cruelty action allowed. What else would be their reason for living? Obviously this cruelty does have to come under the radar of social welfare, so these days the whole killing off your step child with poison etc is strictly frowned upon. Snowy would have just been grounded for around an hour, before her parents had heard enough of her whining about how unfair life was and let her go to the mall. Snow whites dad was a greatly open minded gent in the original story, having few qualms about his innocent offspring living with a gang of miniature men. Maybe the fact they were miniature meant he felt less fear for his daughters safety?

How about the fact that essentially Snow slush then was basically a slave to seven men. Er nope not these days. She would have taken one look at the miniature beds, socks and jocks and turned tail back to her wicked witch step mom begging for a decrease in her allowance and promising to keep her own room clean.

If by chance the ingratiated teen had managed to hold her stomach contents in long enough to stick at playing house keeper for this motley crew don't you think she would have recognized her own poisonous step mom? Oh yes this is Hollywood we are talking about. Possibly not in the town of surgical face masks and collagen injections. So maybe and only just maybe could 'mom' have gotten close enough to kill her, or even knock her out for a while.

So the next thing Snow slush knows is she's being woken up by some Prince Charming by having her face snogged off. Faster than the person formally known as Charming's feet could have hit the floor he would have been carted off and placed under judicial custody for sexual harassment, and just like Steven Seagal he couldn't have fallen back on the idea that this was consensual. I'm seeing little children running out of cinemas at least around now.

Peter Pan and his human trafficking offences.

So just a little recap of the original story for you here people. Peter Pan, the boy who never grew up, ostentatiously lost his shadow and crept in the house of the negligent Darling parents (so negligent in fact they had left their precious cargo of children in the paws of a dog called "Nana") and kidnapped their children. Mainly because he wanted the 12 year old Wendy to be his mummy, and couldn't take her without taking her brothers too. So he magically sprinkled them with fairy dust and off they flew past the second star on the right and straight on till morning. Here they reached Never never land where mischievous Peter had a whole bunch of boys waiting for the new mom Peter had picked for them.

Ok firstly a few modern holes in this story, have you heard the too common tale of the mummy that went out for the night, weekend etc and left her darling ('scuse pun) offspring in the hands of the family dog? Generally she is charged with negligence upon her return if she is lucky enough that the family dog hasn't maimed or murdered her children, then the charge is upped to manslaughter. I've also as of yet never heard of a family that has been silly enough to employ a dog as a nanny.

Secondly lets be honest the good old 'I've lost my shadow' is a little far fetched these days. Now days these predators use the would you like to see my puppy angle and even that is pushing the boundaries of belief of most children. As to Wendy wondering off in the middle of the night to be mum to this bunch of lost boys, well there is one chick with delusions of grandeur. Most 12 year olds are thinking of make up, music and clothes at that age. Even the odd ones who want kids aren't looking to start looking after a family just yet, except by accident. To be honest Peter by then had pretended to be twelve for around 15 years and his whole relationship with Wendy was a tad suspect, especially as he wanted her to be mommy to his group of abducted children.

er........... lost boys? By James - roket

Now I also see the other vital flaw in the whole story and look at how Peter took them to Never never land. He picked up his best mate fairy and sprinkled her magic dust on Wendy and her littler brothers. Okayyyyyyy. Err maybe I've led a much too knowing life, but the only magic fairy dust I know of comes off of the mushrooms seen in a myriad of Disneys cartoons; the little fly agaric. (Oh yes Little fly agaric appears in Peter Pan). I hear that stuff would make you fly past the second star on the right and straight on till morning. So erm Peter goes and dopes up the chick he's abducting, plus her small family while the dog with non opposable thumbs can do nothing but whine in the corner. Poor nana.

Eventually Wendy and her brothers convince Peter he has to grow up and that he doesn't need Wendy to be his mommy nor his wife either. So he takes them home, only in the modern day Disney version he is greeted by Vin Diesel and his fellow cops before being placed for an undetermined amount of time in penitentiary. Leaving his poor little fairy friend Tinkerbell to look after Never never land and fend off the weird looking pirate ( the fat blacksmith with the copyright logo, "piracy funds terrorism and criminal organisations").

The redeeming factor of making this a modern fairy tale is that children don't run screaming from the theatre, as the ending is of a sunlit scene of aged Peter playing in Never land.