UK Elections 2010

Like all democracies, the UK sometimes bands together to elect a new bunch of criminals to fill their boots while running the country into the ground. This is that time.

If only ....

Just The Facts

  1. The UK runs a first past the post system. The party with the most MPs wins.
  2. The Prime Minister gets blamed for everything, no matter who actually did it.
  3. The only growth industry in the UK in recent years has been spin doctoring.

The Parties

Conservative

Traditionally the party of wealth and the upper classes. Colour blue, for their blood. Heavily subsidised by wealthy tax evaders and the City. The UK equivalent of the Republicans, with slightly more intelligence and less hypocrisy

Labour

Traditionally the party of the working classes. Colour red for their rage. Heavily subsidised by the trade unions and weathly tax evaders. The UK equivalent of the Communist Party - without the charm.

Liberal Democrat

The party of hippies, treehuggers and those with a social conscience. Colour yellow for their convictions. Heavily subsdised by no one. The UK equivalent of the Democrats - without the hope of getting into power.

Rupert Murdoch

Not a political party per se, but the one man who decides who will be running the country for the next 5 years via his media empire. The voter turnout is simply to confirm his choice.

Also Rans

Plaid Cymru, SNP:The minor parties ceded to the regions to make them feel better in their subservience to England. Of no interest or clout in Westminster, but always good for a laugh.

The Greens: The party for those who think the Lib Dems are too right wing, but who are not willing to support Labour because that implies being lower class.

British Nationalist Party (BNP): Our dear Fascists. Campaign on the platform of kick the shit out of anyone vaguely brown in colour.

UK Independance Party (UKIP): Isolationists who want to return to the glory days of Empire. We know - fucking weird.

Monster Raving Loony Party: The default choice of students everywhere.

The Vexed Irish

The Irish get their own section. Not because they are partcularly worthy, but because they tend to blow shit up if ignored. (Credit to AnBarra for this section)

Democratic Unionist Party - We still hate Catholics, but not as much as we did.
Progressive Unionist Party - We're liberals, but we still hate Catholics.
Ulster Unionist Party - We don't hate Catholics that much.
Traditional Unionist Voice - [I can't even make a funny jab at these guys. They actually talk about casually murdering Catholics and outlawing the Irish language if elected]
Social Democratic and Labor Party - We'll lick some English boots and see if it'll get us anywhere.
Sinn Fein - What's that, Loyalists? No united Ireland? Nah, it's cool. We stopped caring years ago. No water charges, though. We hate fucking water charges.
Fianna Fail - We're the only conservative party that doesn't hate Catholics. Go us! And mad props to having Fail in your parties name.
Alliance Party - What the fuck are we even doing? We don't know anything about Irish politics.
Green Party - See above.

The Leaders

Lets face it - 99% of voters vote based on their perception of the party leaders. To assist, we have compiled a handy idiots guide.

David Cameron

Would You buy a used car from this man?

Smooth talking Old Etonian. Ex PR man. Married to a PR woman - who is sexy in the Sarah Palin way. Served without particular distinction under John Major (see boring in your dictionary).

Gordon Brown

Oh yeah - you have done a great job since your unelected rise to power.

The current Prime Minister. Known as Labour's clunking fist. Blind in one eye. Oversaw the economic collapse from start to wherever the hell we are now.

Nick Clegg

Um - who again?

We are desperately looking for information on this man. Watch this space.

The Policies, as presented on youtube

Please enjoy the condescending tripe dished out to us poor sods. in order to make us try to give a flying fuck. (Thanks to Tiim for wading through oceans of crap to find the odd bit of video gold)

Conservative

Labour

Liberal Democrat

The Media

Once more, election fever grips the country

Our media love to blow up an election. On the day an election is announced the collective media groin explodes in a flood of jizz and retarded. Just ignore it - it is better they comment on the election than anything that actually has a real impact.

Attack Ads - A New Hope for Comedy

A newish piece of the political process has been imported from the US, where it has been used to telling effect in reducing the number of people who respect politicians. Sadly, we Brits suck as badly at making attack ads as we do at making films.