Our earth raping, fat assed, incredibly over-entitled life style is under threat. The dangers of Sarah Palin aside though, biofuels are manufactured fuels. Made of the living.

Not shown - a good idea. Really. Sports cars take UNLEADED wheat.

Just The Facts

  1. Our society exists by burning fuels - mainly coal and oil
  2. Oil especially is getting harder to obtain, as the third world countries we obtain it from start to want to, like, use it themselves.
  3. Using oil causes global warming, which most people, apart from Alaskans, think of as a bad idea.
  4. Everything burns.

Longwinded Al Gore Rant against the evils of consumerist society

Seriously Dude. Shut the Fuck Up already. You are getting worse than Micheal Moore.

Don't be stupid. We like sitting in our air conditioned, well lit basements playing games, rocking out and writing random shit for internet comedy websites before leaping into our SUVs and driving 60 miles to get the best burrito in the state (The secret there? They use unicorn meat.) We are used to it. We fucking deserve it!

But we are getting short on fuels again, which is becoming a major inconvenience. Global warming, caused by the released of carbon dioxide and methane into the atmosphere, is becoming a major concern - or a scientific con job, if you are as dumb as most right wingers. Invading another Arab state or two and stealing their oil is out, as not even the dumbest redneck will fall for that twice.

We may well be wrong on that one.

So what can we do? We need the fuel, unless we want to sweat all summer, go to bed at sunset and be forced to waddle more than 20 feet at a time. But killing people for our lifestyle, unless government sanctioned, is pretty much agreed to be a bit of a dick move. We need technology to take charge once more, galloping to the rescue like a white knight with a raging hard-on.

Why yes, I am pleased to see you.

The Obvious Solution.

Science in the seventies. A time of bright colors and minimal soap. Or sense.

Many many years ago, when the world was young and computers didn't exist (No Timmy, velociraptors did not have laptops. They had 286's) Henry Ford had to make a choice. Run his newfangled horseless carriages on ethanol - or gasoline. Being a discerning man and a near teetotaler, he decided that running cars on industrial strength vodka might not be a good idea for society, no matter how awesome Fridays nights would become. Besides, gasoline at the time was often simply thrown away or burned as a waste product.

The hippies, those unwashed, treehugging, smugly protesting twats, have never forgiven him. According to them, lentils and brown rice are the answer to everything. Including the fuel and environmental crisis.

"Look man, like, grow some wheat or corn or shit, like man, and ferment it to make fuel."

Making fuel from food would be a good idea. In 19-fucking-10, when we didn't give a shit about starving people because they were brown, talked funny and lived far away. Nowadays though, every gallon of ethanol or biodiesel made is another bushel of corn or wheat not available to feed people or prop up a failing communist regime. Meh - who gives a flying fick. Gas is two seventy a gallon!

Feed 10,000 for a year. Or one car's fuel for the year. Tough call.

Biofuels from food crops are certainly doable - and are indeed already in progress all over the western world. But are there other options?

The Less Travelled Path


Well, absolutely everything organic decays, releasing methane into the atmosphere from the landfills of New Jersey to the sewage treatment plants of California. This causes more of this global warming fuss and bother, methane being a serious greenhouse gas. So why not actually use it? Weeds, waste, shit, Jersey Shore scripts, Star Trek extras in red shirts - all of them can be broken down into methane in digesters, which, as a free bonus, produce a load of heat too.

Funerals just got a whole lot cheaper.

The methane can then be pressurised, and used straight as fuel. The car that literally runs on shit cannot be too far away.

Oh. A Beetle that runs on shit. Insert Linsey Lohan joke here.

Or the methane can be processed to produce real gas. Or plastics. Or foodstuffs (don't ask). All from crap that is literally thrown away.


Cow farts causing global warming is a standard complaint of the believers, and an incredibly mockable point for the retards doubters. As life without steak is simply too bleak to contemplate, lets put the shiftless bastards to work. This is currently running as a scientific study, but you just know it will happen commercially eventually.

Does this make me look fat?

Sadly, initial plans to do the same with sheep have been met with stiff resistance by the Welsh and New Zealand farming communities.

Microbes + Poison = Fuel

Squeaking in on a technicality, this technique, currently under investigation, has the potential to be so fucking awesome that we need a new word that makes awesome look like Peewee Herman.

Meet the potential savior of the planet, and downfall of big oil.

Azotobacter vinelandii. Mr. Azotobacter vinelandii to you.

This common soil bacteria can live by converting carbon monoxide to propane, AKA hippy juice. Cars are currently the biggest carbon monoxide producers on the planet - they even have catalytic converters to reduce power dispose of the monoxide produced. With these little beasties, you'll be able to refill your tank as you drive, and clean up the air at the same time. A bit like the Chinese Leaf car - but with more chance of actually being produced.

And you thought the SMART car looked fucking stupid.


It makes sense. There are nearly 6 billion people on Earth. Use them to produce power, instead of burning fossil fuels.

Humans. Keeping themselves warm since 20,000 BC

Incinerating the masses is not the only option, of course, although it is the most fun. Even if you wait until they are dead, they don't produce a whole lot of heat.

Look around you. If you are a typical Cracked reader, you will have half a dozen chargers for your electronics plugged in and dissipating valuable oil as heat, as you constantly forget to unplug the damn things when not in use. If only there was an alternative way. How about using your heart beat to charge your mobile phone? That is not something you are likely to forget. Get your fat ass off the couch and walk to the store. You can charge your iPod on the way.

Sadly, laptops need a bit more effort.