Twilight Fans

Every few years, there is something big and new for teenaged girls to obsess about. This topic aims to document the fad that fails to die, Twilight, along with it's never-ending wave of fans.

The asian girl to the right just pooped a little.

Just The Facts

  1. Twilight is becoming increasingly popular among mothers of teenaged girls. Google "Twilight moms". I dare you.
  2. The "Twilight Saga" does not conform to the proper definition of "saga". A saga is a narrative about the history of a family. Twilight is a story about inter-species romance involving an emo vampire stalker boy and a dramatic human girl having sex with eachother at the end. BTW SPOILER ALERT!
  3. If I had a penny for every single Twilight-obsessed fanatic in America alone, I'd be rich. It would probably take a long time to buy anything with that big pile of pennies, though. I might get a financial advisor. I'll have to look into that some time.
  4. The name "Twilight" has little-to-nothing to do with the plot. Kind of like more than half of the characters in Code Geass (pronounced "gay-ass").

The Coming of the Twilight Fans

No one would have believed in the early years of the twentieth century that this world was being watched keenly and closely by intelligences lesser than a sane man's and yet less mortal than his own; that as men busied themselves about their various "celeb gossip" columns, they were scrutinised and studied, perhaps to better understand the lifespan of such popular culture as books and films, from birth of a best-seller to forgotten pages in the lowest shelves of an inner-city library. However, such were the deeds of author Stephanie Meyer, and such were the deeds that would bring today's popular culture to a previously unseen low.

Stephanie Meyer

"Such were my deeds."

More likely, however, Stephanie Meyer just wrote the stupidest crap she could think of (like sparkly vampires), because we all know that's what makes most every best-sellers seller now.

Twilight was an instant best-seller when the first book hit the shelves in October 2005. My theory is that the pale hands holding a big red apple drew the emos in, which was then spread by said emos to family members, and family members to family members' friends, and friends to friends' friends, and friends' friends to friends' friends' friends, et cetera.

Twilight cover

"Gee, I sure am in the mood for an apple. Oh, hi creepy pale guy in the middle of a dark room! Is that apple for me? How kind!"

When this outbreak of Twilightis (good movie title, dibs) occured, there was no way it could be any worse. Whenever my family came to visit, they would always talk about Twilight really loudly while I was trying to watch TV. They would even ask me my favorite part of the book, assuming I've read it. Say that isn't terrifying. With a straight face. Do it.

However, despite previously stated circumstances, it got worse. A lot worse. After the last book was released, we thought it was over. That the Twilight series finally stopped, and whatever Twilightis-infected people were left would finally heal. But then there was a fucking movie. A movie featuring Robert Pattinson, who was previously known as "that guy from Harry Potter". Now he's "that guy from Twilight".

Needless to say, the film series, consisting of two movies at the time of writing this, has generated over one billion dollars. Specifically $1,118,484,711 according to Wikipedia (at the time of writing). That's a lot of money.

More Twilight fans

Mostly generated by these kinds of people going to the theater for Twilight over and over again, every single day. Somebody please kill me.

That kind of money shouldn't be given to the bad actors that execute the Twilight movies, no. It should be donated to scientists so a time machine can be made! Would you rather fund these terrible movies or stop 9/11 from happening? I already know your answer. (PSST!!! YOUR ANSWER IS YOU'D RATHER STOP 9/11!!!!!1)

Of course, the terror doesn't stop at annoying conversations and big crowds (and making sure 9/11 happens)...

Comic-Con 2009

Comic-Con 2009

Pictured: Bad news.

...Twilight fanatics had to fuck up Comic-Con '09.

There was a Twilight exhibit at the San Diego Comic-Con 2009, and the cast members were there with it. Inevitably, a massive percentage of ticket sales went to Twilight fans who went to that exhibit to see the actors and tell them how they want the story to go as if the actors care or even have a say, then left the entire convention when the exhibit closed. Meaning half the people in there left. Were no longer there. It wasn't as crowded as it should have been.

I can't think of an ending joke related to Twilight, but another pop culture observation (not a joke) is that the Jonas Brothers and Justin Bieber both have the initials "JB". In conclusion, I'll let you come to your own conclusions.

The section below, "Twilight Fans Videos", unfortunately couldn't be renamed, so the title is somewhat misleading. It's just for that one video that summarizes New Moon. It's for a joke/insult. I am no fan. Also it isn't my video.