John Calipari

John Calipari is the head basketball coach for the University of Kentucky, and is the biggest toolbox in college basketball (with respect for Digger Phelps). The only thing he takes more pride in than his own net worth is his ability to deceive.

*yawwwnnn*...anyway what was I saying? Oh, right I'm leaving. Also fuck you.

Just The Facts

  1. John Calipari has a rap sheet of doucheosity that would impress Kanye West
  2. Despite this he's making more money than President Obama
  3. Seriously, the guy's contract is worth over $31 million dollars. 31. Million. Fucking. Dollars.
  4. Also his name sounds kind of like "calamari." Which, consequently, is the best thing about him.

The Man Behind the Douche

John Calipari has a wife and three loving children.

aww.

aww.

He also founded the Calipari Family Foundation for Children (which apparently supports...children? Who have families? God bless his kind soul). In fact, according to his Twitter account he just came up with an ingenious new plan to help raise money! Signing bottles of empty Maker's Mark whiskey and selling them for the low, low price of....

The Douche Behind the Man

...$59.99. OR only $49.99 if you want to drive your silly little tuchus all the way to Lexington to pick one up in person from the legend himself! As the Staples guy would say: "WOW!"

"THAT'S ONE OF THE STUPIDEST THINGS I'VE EVER HEARD!"

Keep in mind that these are EMPTY bottles. So not only have you just spent a small fortune (to me, anyway) on a bottle of whiskey that would normally cost half of what you paid, you also get the added bonus of not being able to chug it when you realize what a failure you are at life! Don't worry though. Five dollars from each purchase goes to flood relief victims in Nashville, so at least a handful of drowning hillbillies can buy a few Snickers bars.

But Wait, There's So Much More

Of course, we can't base the merit of a head coach of any sport solely on his philanthropic endeavors. If we could Charlie Weis would have been fired long ago for his time-tested tradition of eating a school bus full of endangered baby koala bears before every game. No, we must look at his performance on and around the basketball court to truly understand his douche-tastic douchiness. Let's start with...

The Dan Garcia Incident

Back in the late 90's Coach Cal was testing out the NBA waters, in the midst of a stint with the New Jersey Nets. NBA coaches are always under a microscope, and as such would be wise to tread carefully when dealing with the media. Well, most NBA coaches. Not our boy Cal. He lost his cool with a no-name reporter (name: Dan Garcia) from a no-name newspaper (name: The Newark Star-Ledger), calling him "a fucking Mexican idiot."

I don't know, he looks pretty fucking idiotic to me.

As hilarious as that social faux-pas was, the best part was his apology, in which he states:

"I would like to apologize to Dan Garcia for my ill-advised attempt at humor and insensitivity for the remark. In retrospect, I can understand how the remark could have been misinterpreted."

Well as long as he apolo- WHAT?! Attempt at humor? You know what, that actually was pretty funny when you think about it. In fact, the only way it could have possibly been been more hilarious is if Carlos Mencia said it. Don't worry though, Cally boy, you'll get this humor thing someday! You old jokesmith, you...

And What About His Coaching Methods?

Ha ha! Coaching methods! Oh, sorry I didn't realize we were being serious, his jokes about Hispanics just really loosen me up. Anyway, as for his coaching methods: he has none. Half the time he's not even on the court when his team is playing. He gets away with this by kidnapping homeless people off the street, smearing their hair back with a full tub of Crisco, and convincing them that if they yell unintelligibly at everybody on the court for 40 minutes he'll buy them McDonald's (which he never does because he's a total penis). Instead he's out driving the two cars he scored in his brand new contract en route to illegally recruit 5-star players. Like when he gave Marcus Camby everything short of a blowjob to come to UMass in 1996, or how he looked the other way while Derrick Rose used the ol' Trojan Horse to fudge his SAT scores. He even did everything short of sexually harass some poor kid who made the mistake of choosing a school that wasn't under Calipartheid rule.

By the way, immediately after both the Marcus Camby and Derrick Rose incidents he decided to peace out from UMass and Memphis respectively for better-paying jobs. He said they were just a better fit for him but avoiding the whole "The-NCAA-Is-Jacking-Your-Wins-And-Your-School's-Money" thing couldn't possibly have hurt. Because taking responsibility for your actions is a total buzzkill, and when you look like a coked out 80's traveling salesman it goes without saying that you hate buzzkills.

Even Bob Knight thinks this guy sucks. I mean seriously, I feel like that sentence alone could have been the entire article. Is anything else even necessary to add?