"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer." - Mark Twain, perhaps in reference to health care reform.
Before we begin, we just need to clarify one thing:
Yes, this t-shirt exists.
That's not a Busted Tee staring you down like the barrel of a BFG 9000. No, it is something you can purchase right now from the same website a Hawaiian-born (accept it) comic book nerd used to become the first African-American president of the United States.
Change more epic than we could have ever believed in.
That's right... a man named Barack H. Obama is President of the United States, that's a real lightsaber in his hand, and the 'f' in 'bfd' stands for the f-word.
This happened too.
Honestly, can any generation in American history lay claim to as much awesome as us? Even if you voted for the crazy lady last election, there's no denying that the textbooks of tomorrow are going to read like they were written by Cracked. The President of the United States is battling pirates, teabagging has become a communal event, lesbian bondage-themed strip club just became a bold-type word, and public use of the f-word has never been more politically warranted.
It took 155 years for this shirt to exist.
With the passage of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act and the Health Care and Education Reconciliation Act of 2010, health care reform became a reality in America. Also, Joe Biden could not have given it a more badass name. When Teddy Roosevelt grabbed America by the balls, his Square Deal was so sick we had no choice but to dynamite his face onto mountains. FDR rescued us with his New Deal, and Harry S. Truman chilled us out with his Fair Deal.
Health care reform is Obama's deal, and it's a big one. The Big Fucking Deal.
After being elected in one of the most decisive--yet bizarrely contested--elections in recent history, President Barack Obama has had to put up with more shit than any president since Lincoln...
and clean up more shit than any president since FDR.
Yeah, FDR got that too.
Amazingly, this was all before Obama decided to take on something that had eluded every president since Theodore Roosevelt. That's right; back while campaigning with the testosterone-soaked Bull Moose Party, TR was all for a national health insurance as good as the one that made him bulletproof.
Many tried and failed at health care reform, most recently Bill and Hillary Clinton in 1993. However, it turned out that making sense of America's health care mess was a lot like wrestling a giant penis: the more you play with it, the harder it gets.
Enormous penis offered for illustration purposes only.
By the time President Obama came around, even sure-things for success like a 60-seat Senate majority turned out to be only as good as the single most unreliable 'Democrat' in the party. It was like Cliff Calvin's urban-legendary Buffalo Theory in Cheers, only with even more bullshit than an entire herd of buffaloes stampeding out of Taco Bell and into Connecticut.
The slowest buffalo.
For example, remember all that huff people made about the 'public option' for health insurance? It's not Obama's fault things got fubar; it's because of flip-flopping blow up dolls to the pharmaceutical industry like Joe Lieberman who for a few boring months was the single most powerful person in the history of C-SPAN.
A pharmaceutical puppet-show.
Nevertheless, after pissing off so many Americans that even the dude who starred in Stuart Saves His Family had to change the freaking channel...
and after an instantly regrettable shakeup with the late Ted Kennedy's Senate seat...
The future of the Republican Party.
Health care reform passed, and it even included a little sweetener for college students. It was 100 years in the making, but the Big Fucking Deal is here.
Seriously, we wish we could claim these:
Yes, they are that fucking stupid.
The current head of the Republican Party.
How the hell did the leadership of the Republican Party go from the uber-badassness of Teddy Roosevelt to a bunch of ninth-graders learning how to use PowerPoint on Windows 95? How did the party of Lincoln go from winning the Civil War to advocating insurrection and secession? How did the Grand Old Party go from this...
How TR rode to work every day.
...to freaking this?
House Minority Leader Rep. John Boehner, crying(?)
In this post-George W. Bush era, beltway Republicans who had probably never even heard of the Internets until it cost them the Senate are starting to realize they have an image problem: they tend to come off like assholes. Watching Dick Cheney do the best damn Big Lebowski impression in history during Obama's inauguration isn't going to help the GOP score points once Johnny YouTube becomes old enough to vote, let alone once he realizes how every aching groan that comes out of Cheney's mouth makes the man sound like his pacemaker is powered by an enormous vibrator up his ass.
Even Bush can't stand Dick.
Nevertheless, in what had been billed as Obama's Waterloo, the Republican Party unleashed a secret weapon to take down the health care reform bill once and for all: This guy.
Sen. Scott Brown (R-MA)
First and foremost, if that was Teddy Roosevelt posing naked, Cosmo would have needed a lot more than a forearm to cover his bocce balls. The man could have filled all four corners of a centerfold with his bollocks alone.
Photo c/o the American Museum of Natural History.
Secondly, had the Republicans stayed true to their Roosevelt roots, both Teddy and FDR's, they could be celebrating a bipartisan victory with the Democrats right now in the form of an ego trip at the International Spy Museum (with health care). Instead, they're currently fighting off scandals about health plans for their staffers that includes lesbian bondage-clubs and phone-sex hotlines. Hell, if they had come forward with that last bit two years ago, we might be enjoying them right now as part of a bipartisan health care reform stimulus package.
Imagine two of these in every garage.
Instead the long war is over, and the Republicans failed to deliver in a way that only Rudy Giuliani or Fred Thompson can relate with. Health care reform, the single most legislative slice of fried gold in a generation, passed without the support of a single Republican. Any why? Because they think running against it will improve their odds in the November election even though they have zero chance of repealing the bill by appealing to constituents like this...
Rep. Jean Schmidt (R-OH)
...and by putting their money behind candidates like this.
Christine O'Donnell, Delaware Republican Senate candidate.
That's right, the fate of the Republican Party now hinges on how well they get the anti-masturbation vote.
In the end, they'll only be screwing themselves.
The New York Post; February 18. 2009
Wait, what the...
Soon to be a FOX News Special Report.