Ever wonder where your favorite actor or actress has gone to? They are probably still around but stuck in crap movies. Here may be why:
The fastest way to realize that your career has taken a downward turn is when your film goes straight to DVD. Thats Hollywoods way of metaphorically sticking your worthless ass in the woodchipper.
If you are so unlucky to start out your career in a straight to DVD piece of shit, then you may as well face the facts that you will not be making any Hollywood blockbusters any time in your future.
The ULTIMATE no no on straight to DVD is the horror movie sequel. First off, they pretty much always tend to suck more nuts than Ricky Martin. Second, no one in them ever goes anywhere. Lets look at some examples, shall we?
Wrong Turn 3, Ill Always Know What You Did Last Summer, The Cell 2, White Noise 2, Open Water 2....All complete pieces of shit and all an hour and a half of your life wasted that you could have spent getting laid. Cabin Fever 2 had Rider Strong but, lets face it, hes total crap.
If youre trying to be an actor/actress, avoid the straight to DVD or prepare to be about as famous as Andrew Moxham. Who? Exactly.
A MASSIVE career killer is the holiday film. This didnt use to be the case. Christmas movies actually used to be good and entertaining and now they just suck. They take an older actor/actress who used to be great and turn them into total shit with the jingle of a fucking holiday bell.
Tim Allen: Home Improvement, Galaxy Quest, Big Trouble.....The Santa Clause 1, 2, &3, Christmas with the Kranks...total shit
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Terminator 1 & 2, Commando, Predator, The Running Man, True Lies....Jingle All The Way....total shit
Jamie Lee Curtis: Halloween, A Fish Called Wanda, Trading Places, True Lies...Christmas with the Kranks.....commercials about yogurt that makes you shit
You may say, "Arnold is the fucking governor." Well, though that may be true, his political career did come after a string of awful movies made after Jingle All The Way.
Sadly, the only place these actors can go after Christmas films is to Childrens movies, which brings us to our next topic:
It may seem like a cute thing to do, to be in a kids movie, but its really the stupid thing to do. Yes, you entertain children but, you have murdered any chance at winning any Academy Award or of being in any movie worth anything ever again.
Look at Cuba Gooding Jr.: Dude won an Oscar for Jerry Maguire. A fucking OSCAR! Then, like a dumbass, he made Snow Dogs and then everything he was in after that blew. He got stuck making Daddy Day Camp, a crappy sequel to a crappy movie. Then he was in The Land Before Time XIII. (By the by, someone please slap the ever living shit out of who ever made more than one of those freakin movies)
Steve Martin, Jamie Lee Curtis, Tim Allen, Eddie Murphy, and Jason Lee are also repeat offenders.
What is the cheapest way to make a movie with big star? Hire an animal to play alongside them! There have been far more movies starring animals than there should have been. Turner and Hooch, Free Willy, Dr. Dolittle, Operation Dumbo Drop, Dunston Checks In....
First off, we can go ahead and give Tom Hanks a break with Turner and Hooch. The guy had AIDS, was mentally retarded, hooked up with a mermaid, got stranded on an island, AND dressed up like a woman. He has his own problems to deal with.
Some actors can do anything. They could literally poop their pants on film and still be successful. Unless you are one of those people, do not EVER make a film with an animal.
Matt LeBlanc had a great career with Friends. The guy made a baseball movie with a monkey called Ed, in which his name was appropriately "Deuce", and proved that he is useless to film. His role in Charlies Angels did absolutely nothing for him and his spin off show "Joey" bombed in 2006. He has yet to be seen since.
Jason Lee was awesome in the Kevin Smith movies. Who didnt love him as Brody in Mallrats? Honestly. He did a few awful love story movies and then came Alvin and the Chipmunks....Sigh. There arent words to describe how low he fell. Brody, come back!
Piper Perabo went from masterbatory fantasy to chihuahua piss. Coyote Ugly may not have been the greatest movie but introduced us to those pouty lips and that body......wipe away that drool! Then came such terrible movies as Cheaper by the Dozen and Beverly Hills Chihuahua, which also starred our repeat offender Jamie Lee Curtis. The dogs may have been cute but anyone that didnt want to kick Piper right in those tits needs to rethink their taste in movies.
Free Willy ruined any chance of a career for Jason James Richter and Lori Petty was a waste of sperm anyway. That face is pure birth control!
Dunston Checks in took Jason Alexander, who was HILARIOUS on Seinfeld, and made him a shell of an actor. He has been in small roles on tv shows, Christmas movies (bad! BAD!) and kids films (WHY?!) since this epic fuck up. He probably would have stood a better chance had he had sex with the monkey. At least we would have had something fun to talk about.
Lets us not forget about these sad endings:
Steve Guttenberg with Zues and Roxanne (more animal, kids and Christmas films)
Frankie Muniz with My Dog Skip (bit parts on shows, other animal and kids movies)
And possibly the most depressing loss:
Geena Davis with Stuart Little (two failed tv shows and 2 bad sequels)
The ULTIMATE way to ensure that no one wants anything to do with you is to do something insane. This includes, but is not limited to, drug binges, alcoholism, spousal abuse, and weight fluctuation in either direction.
Anne Heche HAD a career. Im pretty sure that most of it was because she was bumping uglies with Ellen, but it was a career all the same. Then, one day, she knocks on some guys door and rambles about how she is God and is going to take everyone to Heaven on her spaceship. Fucking nutbar. Coincidenly enough, it was the day after she and Ellen broke up. Was Ellens vagina that good?
Margot Kidder....Lois Lane was so hot until she went bankrupt and broke her pelvis in the 90's, causing a complete mental breakdown. Then she ran off to be homeless, cut her hair, and pulled out her teeth. Now she looks like a crack whore.
Lindsay Lohan hasnt done anything worth a shit since Mean Girls. Today, the most work she has done has been snorting cocain through a rolled up dollar bill and a little scissoring with Samantha Ronson.
Mischa Barton, Lara Flynn Boyle, and Calista Flockhart all had weight loss while Kirstie Alley just gets fatter but at least SHE is getting her own show. What the shit happened to the other three? Did they vomit themselves into non-existance?
Being Samuel L. Jackson. Why? Because hes just that fucking cool.