Regular superhero comics are now obselete. No-one wants Batman anymore, we want a teenager who gets destroyed when he tries to do anything. Ever.
Dave Lizewski/Kick-Ass - A mild mannered teenage boy who is obsessed with comics, boobs, the internet, boobs and dressing up in green lycra, whilst hitting ethnic minorities with sticks. In the movie, Kick-Ass goes all badass (sort of) and becomes nearly immune to blows to the head. You know, because of all the metal. We're not sure if it really works that way, but we'll go with it.
Oh, and he gets beaten up. A lot!
Mindy Macready/Hit-Girl - A young girl who has been brainwashed by her dad into killing people for fun. Well, okay, not fun, she thinks she's avenging her mothers death, when in reality, her mother got ditched by her dad, because he's a bit of a dick. In the movie, Hit-Girls mother really did die because her dad was in prison due to false charges and planted drugs. Does anyone have a normal life anymore?
Damon Macready/Big Daddy - A former accountant who was bored with his life, and decided to take his baby away from his wife and raise her on lies about the mafia and good cops/bad cops and dying mothers, and all that shit that good parents tell their kids. Like how to handle a butterfly knife, or where to cut a guy to stop him from shooting you (hint: the area to go for is in his trousers). In the movie, he's an ex-cop who trains his daughter to avenge his wife who killed herself. Oh, and he sounds like Adam West, because Nicolas Cage is fucking awesome (depending on the weather).
There goes a proud family
Chris Genovese/Red Mist - Chris is the son of local drug kingpin John Genovese. Being a dick obviously runs in the family, considering he tricks all three of the above characters and betrays them, resulting in Dave having his balls zapped into hell (you read it right) and Big Daddy getting his eye shot out. In the movie, he isn't a major asshole like in the book but there are still traces of him being a jerk. Like, you know, when he shoots Hit-Girl out of a fucking window. Yeesh!
He also looks like a dildo. Tee hee.
The story opens with a typical comic narration, basically explaining what Dave does all day (hint 2: rhymes with "smack boff") and how he came to the decision of being a superhero. Turns out he was bored and bought a green wetsuit, which teaches us that all it takes to be a hero is swimwear and determination.. Of course, this is based on the real world, which is why on his first night out, Dave gets the shit kicked out of him, leading to getting stabbed and hit by a car. Turns out he's a bit more resourceful than us sane folks, which is why he strips off his costume and hides it under a car before any paramedics arrive. Impressive, considering he broke a whole lot of bones, and probably had concussion. Anyway, he spends a lot of time in hospital, getting over his injuries, whilst going through multiple operations (presumably done only to turn him into a total badass). Metal is pretty much casing his skull by the time he leaves. Anyway, after vowing to never don the costume again (probably whilst standing in the rain, with Danny Elfman music playing in his head), he changes his mind and goes out dressed as the Green Condom again (this name comes up in the movie and we like it a lot more. It's funnier). So, foolishly walking the streets once more, he gets run into by a young man being chased by a gang He manages to fend them off, saving the man's life. The fight is filmed and uploaded onto YouTube (Google Videos is obsolete at this point). The video is seen by a lot of people and he becomes an online sensation, causing people to send requests to his newly formed MySpace page. Incidentally, he has no Facebook page. Odd. His first request is from a woman who is being hassled by her ex. Kick-Ass, as Dave is now calling himself (Green Condom still has marketing appeal), manages to track down the ex and tries to reason with him. Failing negotiations, Kick-Ass opens hostilities by spraying mace in the guys face. That's how heroes do it now, new age! Obviously, the mace has no effect on the several other psychos in the room and he is easily subdued. Just as he is about to receive a gunshot to the face (see how he likes the face pain), his target is stabbed through the back. It is revealed that Hit-Girl, the pint sized youth with two swords, has arrived to save the day, proceeding to FUCK THEM UP! Kids today, eh?
We would make a "Miley Cyrus" joke here, but she's staring at us like a psychopath
At this point, the beatings he seems to constantly receive are causing the people at his school to talk, spreading the rumour that he's a gay prostitute and the bruises and cuts are from his clients (seriously, this kids life sucks). Of course, for some reason, this means Katie starts to take interest in him, since she wants a gay best friend, even if she did think he was a freak beforehand. After a while, Red Mist shows up and starts posing around for people like a tool, much to the annoyance of Dave who is losing credibility as Kick-Ass. After hearing a news reporter talking about Red Mist like he was the first hero on the scene, Dave snaps and calls Red Mist out for a confrontation (read: chat). After meeting, they both realise it'd probably be better to team up, a deal sweetened by the fact that Red Mist has a car (called the Mistmobile. Like a batmobile, but with mist). After driving around for a bit, smoking some weed and saving a kitten called Charlie from a fire, they call it a night and Dave goes home. Unfortunately, Hit-Girl and her father/crime fighting partner, Big Daddy, have tracked him down, having learnt his secret identity. Threatening him with a public revelation, they demand he brings Red Mist to meet them, in order to help them take down John Genovese. Kick-Ass complies, only to realise that Red Mist is a dick who set them all up. Big Daddy is wounded, Hit-Girl is shot about 12 times in the back, causing her to fall out of the window and Kick-Ass is knocked out. The gang of thugs then proceed to torture both Kick-Ass and Big Daddy, by electrocution. Electrocution of the testicles.
Sort of like this, but on his junk. Ouch.
After a couple of minutes of becoming sterile (or developing electric sperm), the gang bring Big Daddy in, who reveals that in reality, he's a complete wuss/comic book nerd. For this, they shoot him through the face. Kick-Ass, who evidently doesn't like the idea of being shot through the face, demands that they finish him off like men (with punching). They comply, making it easier for him to escape once they knock down his chair, breaking it. Of course, it's one kid vs. about 5 grown men, you do the math. Just before they try to kill him, Hit-Girl appears, and cuts them all the fuck up. The two "heroes" then proceed to storm John Genovese's penthouse, killing most of his men with a flamethrower. Hit-Girl, who is on a cocaine high, proceeds to slaughter the rest of the goons, while Kick-Ass beats the shit out of Red Mist. John, who has obviously had enough at this point, decides to take action, bashing a steak mallet across Hit-Girls face. Unfortunately for him, Kick-Ass sees this as a sign of aggression and proceeds to shoot Johns dick off. Taken by surprise, John lowers his guard (whilst screaming in pain), which gives Hit-Girl the opportunity to drive a cleaver into the back of his head, and shoot the rest of his men. Finally rid of the gang, Hit-Girl and Kick-Ass leave, with Hit-Girl obviously quite upset that her dad's eye was poked out of its socket by a pesky bullet. Bored of killing people (pfft, who gets bored of that?) Mindy finds and lives with her mother, determined not to become Hit-Girl again. Dave tells Katie that he isn't gay, in hopes that she'll profess her love for him. Big mistake. This leads to a beating from her boyfriend. Dave hangs up his Kick-Ass costume for good....or does he? At the end, a character (who looks awfully similar to Red Mist) is seen typing out a threatening message on his computer, presumably on Kick-Ass' MySpace. The character declares that he'll have his revenge, before quoting Jack Nicholson and (hopefully) stroking his masterful beard.
Ah, the dreaded feature film adaptation. As usual we can expect it to be complete shit, like every other adaptation.....
Okay, we take it back. It's awesome. We know it's awesome. You know it's awesome. Just go and see it already!
The film follows the basic plot of the book, but there are changes in place to ensure it's more entertaining. No offence intended to Mark Millar, but the comic was depressing. For example, Dave doesn't just get metal plates in his head, he gets them all over his body and his nerve endings are damaged, giving him an un-natural resistance to pain, meaning his friends can hit him with trays and shit (not literally shit....you know what we mean!). Big Daddy is no longer just a comic book nerd; he really is an ex-cop who was framed as a drug dealer by the drug lord Frank D'Amico (John Genovese). Nicolas Cage also manages to salvage his reputation. Even when pulling faces like this.
"I SAW A SPOOKY GHOST!"
Dave tells Katie that he's Kick-Ass half way through and they end up together. Instead of being electrocuted through his genitals, Kick-Ass and Big Daddy are beaten and tortured on a live webcam, to the horror of Katie, but to the joy of every sociopath out there (read: everyone else). Kick-Ass and Hit-Girl manage to kill Frank D'Amico through the clever combination of a jet-pack, mini guns and a rocket launcher (seriously, this guy's like the fucking terminator!)
That's two villains within 3 months for this guy. Congrats, Mark Strong!
Overall, the movie is more enjoyable than the book, going into much more detail during fights, and expanding on characters that were overlooked by Millar (Hit-Girl and Big Daddy have a lot more face time). It's this year's "The Dark Knight" and it knows it. It's also the best thing to come out of England since Yorkshire Puddings (and that's saying something!).
Welcome to "Being a hero" 101. Let's get started with a simple question. How many times have you seen a crime being committed and done nothing to prevent it? Now, the common answer is never, since criminals, or rather GOOD criminals, are sneaky! Be that as it may, they must be stopped. Being sneaky doesn't excuse them from stealing
our HDTV other people's belongings.
If a cartoon dog can't stop them, who can?
This is where you come in. You are the next generation of heroes. Want to kick some ass like Kick-Ass? Feel like cutting up some drug dealers like Hit-Girl? Well, you're in the right place, since we're going to show you how to be a costumed vigilante.
Origin is important. If you're going to be taken seriously, someone close to you has to die early on. If this has already happened, SCORE, you're nearly there. If it hasn't then the following occurrences will be acceptable:
Better choose one soon, as we're sure someone will be asking you about your origin during a crack den raid.
A hero is nothing without a costume. Go for something colourful and light, preferably un-protected. That means no body armour. A real man takes a bullet with a smile and a wink! A cape is useless, don't use a cape, you're just making yourself more vulnerable to flames/heavy objects. Nothing is more embarrassing than getting caught by a crate mid-jump and getting pinned to the floor. You're basically an open target at that point, and we can't help you if you have a death wish. Oooh, death wish, that's a new one for the origin list:
Perfect example: Bright green and yellow lycra. The costume of a pro.
Well, this all really depends on your judgement. Want criminals to be punished for their crimes? Or are you going to be judge, jury and executioner? You're going to have to choose one, but we recommend the following:
Butterfly Knife, for those of you who want to look fucking awesome as well as fucking terrifying. This requires some skill, since it can go wrong. Very, very easily. Sure, you're less likely to lose a finger with a regular knife, but this one makes you look badass. Give it a try at your own risk.
Nun chucks, for those of you who want to go for a less bloody and deathy approach. Swing one of these buggers around and you'll have a grounded criminal in no time. Well, that or a bloody nose depending on how good you are with flailing poles on chains.
So, there we have it. You've just graduated from "Being a hero" 101. Get out there and show the bad guys who's boss!
Note: Cracked.com is not responsible for any injuries you may (and let's face it, will) obtain carrying out vigilante justice. For legal reasons, we must request you do not carry out any of the above or follow any of the information given on this page. Thank you.