The ultimate sign of your attainment, your wealth and the fact your a douche. Its bling!

Just The Facts

  1. Things that will happen if you go around showing off your 'bling' but you actually work at McDonalds:
  2. No one will believe that you don't deal drugs.
  3. People will think you can buy them shit.
  4. You'll get mugged (and then they'll realize that it actually costs $10).
  5. Just...... no.......

Cracked On Bling

Most awful rappers will proclaim their status in society by displaying materials goods such as bling, cars, money or women. The issue comes when it over looks the rapper in question just looks like a complete dick.

The only time you will need a clock that big, is if your a fucking wall

Rap is big business apparently (not as big as insurance sales, or any actual business) so when rap lyrics proclaim about their wealth, rappers need to prove it. The reason being is to show that they are at the top of the food chain, thus, drawing attention to them selves. But why? One theory being is that bling'ers are massively insecure. They may force feed you the image of a sexist, violent, drug pusher, but they probably spend their free time listening to the smiths and making shirts for team Jacob.

The other glaring problem is that bling can hidious. Take this dick..

Bling allows people to appear as much like a crack addicted Elton John as they want. So while you may feel like your dressing up when you go out wearing your converse thats only has a few minor scuffles, jeans that just about fit and a black shirt that you once wore when you met that girl but is now slightly too tight, you will never attract as much attention as someone who has bling. They have money, and friends... you suck balls.

When Bling Doesn't Work

So far you may of noticed that we are using massive assholes as primary examples of bling, but what else encourages the gag reflex?


Bratz are the dolls that sparked off a franchise of self obsessed, spoilt teenagers. Be your self and always stick to your morals? Fuck that. Happiness isn't designed for chicks who don't wear make up.

What is troubling about Bratz (apart from the size of their heads), is their aggressive marketing towards kids. Studies suggesting that repetitive viewing of overly sexualised images can resort in girls seeing them selves as sexual objects, and Bratz is a prime example of that.

You could argue that Barbie has been even more successful at targeting to a younger age with no issues when it comes to morals, but barbie never encouraged girls to dress like a sluts to impress boys. Nope, Just anorexia for barbie.

Plus Ken wasn't someone you would happily cut if you ever met them in real life either.

"Blinging Up" Inanimate Objects

Actual bling can be expensive, and if you're at the age or state of mind where attaining bling is central to your exsistence and you can't afford it, you're most likely a teenager, or a benefit thief. Despite its complete lack of point, the process of blinging up objects is rather popular. Attaching little clear beads maybe time consuming but it proves a purpose if its on something less than $5. So.....

Got a shitty phone? Why not bling it up?

Got shitty clothes? Why not bling it up!

Got a shitty sat-nav? Why not bling it up?!

Plus, if your shitty ass sat-nav steers you into on coming traffic, your navigation device will still look like it was dressed up by a 12 year old. Leading people to believe that you're a parent, not a complete dick. So your integrity will remain in tact, even if your brains are not.


You've seen them numerous times on music videos, and the first time you saw them you weren't sure whether or not if they were part of a perscription.

Theres no point to them, but its making its rounds. They aint cheap, and people want to buy that shit, even if it costs more than your car (yeah, your car).