House Arrest

Sometimes, throwing money at a problem does make life better.

Feel free to drop the soap bro, it's your house.

Just The Facts

  1. House arrest is a lenient alternative to prison.
  2. Getting the idea from an issue of Spiderman, the first judge to issue a sentence involving an electronic ankle monitor was in 1983.
  3. Comic books have since evolved from inspiring correctional innovation to shitty movies.

House Arrest vs. Prison

Time Sentenced/Reason
Example
Activities If Sentenced To House Arrest
Activities If Sentenced To Prison
Less than one week: Got caught driving drunk
You, dumbass.
Watch daytime TV.
Make friends with hobos. Regale them with stories of the internet & shower curtains.
1-3 weeks: Awaiting trial for some money-related infraction like tax evasion.
Joe Francis
Daytime TV.
Try not to get raped.
1 month: Got caught driving on a suspended license.
Paris Hilton
Make arrangements with VH1 for reality TV series documenting your spiritual rebirth.
Try not to get raped. Not sure how women rape each other, unless maybe they like, scissor, or something.
2-3 months: Awaiting trial on drug and/or gun charges
T.I.
Work on upcoming album.
Rejoice. Your agent said you needed street-cred. Mission accomplished.
6 months: Swindled a lot of cash by doing something white-collar like insider-trading or stock fraud.
Martha Stewart
Schedule inevitable talk-show circuit.
Try not to get raped.
Over a year: Violated about 50 RICO predicates.
Junior Soprano
Shoot nephew while he makes pasta.
Try not to get raped.
1-5 years: Had sex with student while employed as a middle school teacher.
Debra Lafave
Babysitting clinic.
Tutor convicts in math & science in between trying not to get raped by said convicts.
Over 5 years: Political prisoner too famous for government to get away with simple assassination.
Aung San Suu Kyi
Hope a relative dies, the UN intervenes, or an earthquake hits.
Convert to Islam. Try not to get raped.
Over 10 years: You're the twin brother of an evil, despotic king and the rightful heir to his throne.
Heartthrob Leo
Stand around until becoming miraculously involved in elaborate plot to usurp brother's throne and restore kingdom back to decency.
Try not to get raped while bearing a striking resemblance to the king.

Devices Designed To Enforce House Arrest...And Their Doggy Equivalents

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Generation III Alcohol Sensing House Arrest Ankle Bracelet
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RoamEO Handheld Unit

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Pet Detective Set

Devices Designed To Enforce Prison

Nasty Nate

Cracked on House Arrest

House arrest...like being grounded for grown-ups. It is the 4-F to prison's Vietnam. Until a bunch of beautiful, rich bitches started driving cars with bad stuff in their systems and getting caught around 2007, the alternative to prison stayed out of the limelight and quietly rehabilitated the criminal portion of America rich enough to be able to afford decent lawyers. Now, however, house arrest is under attack. America's prison population is booming, leaving judges no choice but to keep even the vilest, most unconscionable human beings to their own devices with naught but a simple monitoring device to curtail their wickedness. Wickedness, vileness, danger to society...did we forget to mention Andy Dick had his own talk show while under house arrest?