"A hive of autonomous, mindless husks, driven by the common goals of metrics and minimum wage." -Webster's definition of a call center.
They smile to hide to the pain.
Just The Facts
Call Centers are the major hub of customer service and tech support for many large corporations, banks, and small businesses.
A large call center can take upwards of 50,000 calls a day.
A call center is the most cost productive way to piss of customers.
Thank you for calling 1-800-CRA-CKED...
The call center as we recognize it was formed in the sexy pit of despair we know as the 80s. During this time, companies realized that the rapid explosion of ugly pig-women and badger-men was keeping employees from providing service without reeling back in disgust. Hence, the modern call center, providing proper levels of service from a safe, visually obscured distance.
"My VCR broke, I lost my card, and I need to make a payment."
The very first call centers only had a small number of Customer Service Representatives, or, CSRs to handle that day's worth of calls. There was also little to no monitoring, so the level of service and the professionalism of the CSR would vary.
Unfortunately, during the early nineties, the declining level of customer service led to the advent of Live and stored record call monitoring, which put a fairly quick stop to the rampant verbal cockfighting.
-"I MAILED THAT PAYMENT TWO WEEKS AGO YOU SLIPPERY CHOAD PICKLE!"
-"FUCK IF YOU DID YOU LYING SACK OF HORSESHIT!"
Modern day call center agents have the constant fear that every word they speak, or every action made on a computer screen is being watched by a compliance officer. And even if they somehow know for a fact that no one is listening, the recordings will often be stored for upwards of three years, ready to be pulled at any time.
These recordings have been used in court cases discerning federal laws, showing customers they actually did verbally agree to some sort of program, and most importantly, they are used to coach the CSR's in the fine art of their call statistics. Or as the robot overlords call them, Metrics.
"Karen, your hold time is exceeding acceptable parameters."
Metrics: Engineered to rape your sanity.
Metrics were devised as a way to track and record company, site, and individual call statistics. There is a pretty standard set of metrics used at call centers, with slight variances between them. Here we present some of our favorite standards;
AHT- Average Handle Time. Or how long we spend bullshitting and lying our way around the real issue until you're happy enough to maybe buy something.
ACW- After Call Work. After call is a button that is pressed to temporarily stop any further calls from coming in. Very useful when the next call may very well cause us to jam a paper clip right in our pee hole. Directly adds to AHT.
Hold Time- Also a time buyer to eat some pudding or fart in our chairs. Adds to AHT.
PPec- Points per Eligible Call. A truly retarded, incredibly complicated system that measures the value of each call based on products available and sold to the customer. Sales agents like myself live and die on this one metric. i.e.; in my particular job, if every caller who was eligible for the rewards program took it, I would make over $100,000 a year. Yet I eat tin cans and boiled rug samples. Many a sales agent makes their living based upon this one metric.
"I sprang for the 4-mil. Had a good month, no big deal. Want some hay?"
Mute- The only button on any agents phone that has been worn down to a fine sheen. Allows swearing, burping, yelling, and all around dickery without the customer really knowing what's happening. Just make sure it's on.
Tech Support: "Sir, Are you on the phone? Ok good. I think we got it..."
Besides customer service and sales, the other staple of call centers is Tech Support. Tech Support is an entirely different beast. Tech Support agents typically have to follow very strict guidelines as to what they can say and what they can instruct the caller to do. In a call center, these verbal guideline are referred to as scripts. In Tech Support, these scripts were clearly written to make the agents question their own existence and to piss off the customer to a level not previously known.
When you have clueless callers getting direction from someone who no longer possesses free will, you have a recipe for disaster. Most of the agents are more than capable to help the caller, but are silenced by verbatims. Imagine if you will, Helen Keller being taught sign language over the phone by Anne Sullivan who can only speak in wing dings.While sometimes Tech Support works out, on average your best bet is to burn your house down with everything in it, and just file with insurance.
-Oh my god Larry! Our House!
-"Susan, if you can get the ice maker to work, be my guest."
Tips and tricks for credit centers
-Many banks offer fee reversal for exceptional circumstances. Have a late fee on a credit card? Call customer service and tell them you caught your hand in the garbage disposal fishing for your car keys as you were leaving to nurse sick pandas at the zoo.
No seriously, this shit often works. Many banks will offer assistance when the card member has experienced circumstances outside their own control which directly interfere with timely debt repayment. Hospital stays, deaths in the family, weddings, and child birth just to name a few. Many agents don't really care what happened as long as it can apply under exceptional circumstances. We get you off the phone with no confrontation or hassle, and it won't count against us. Mark it off as a win.
-If also calling on your credit card, ask the associate to stop the recording. Most have to oblige, and since the call is not recorded, no sales pitch can be made. Saves you from the inevitable "thanks but no thanks" awkward ending and the associates don't have to try to sell you. Makes for a much more pleasant conversation. You don't want anything, and they won't expect anything.
