Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber is a fifteen year old girl who is rapidly rising in charts and becoming a pop phenomena, regrettably.

If you square the answer, one gets the Sprouse twins.

Just The Facts

  1. Justin Bieber is better than you. She has 3 top twenty hits, and a number one album.
  2. She also looks like a young Ellen Degeneres, and has many yound fans turning to lesbian.
  3. The Biebster, a creativity pot, has an EP and an album, named "My World" and "My World 2.0"
  4. At 15, she has worked with Usher and Justin Timberlake, two people I am not sure what happened to after 2006

Introduction

Justin Bieber is fifteen-year-old pop princess. She is the successor of Miley Cyrus and Hilary Duff, and makes me miss both of them. Little girls cry over her, Bigger girls squeal over her, and all men hate her. The BiebHatred has advanced to the extent of rumors of her death (Drug Overdose). This left me baffled. Why do so many hate her? Then I explored her music. I wish greatly I had not. Now I see the hatred of the Biebster.

I would say she looks like a cancer patient, but that would be mean. Very mean. But dosen't she?

One Less Lonely Girl

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FLVMP43GP

New to Cracked! Read, listen, and watch with the new "Hurt-a-long!"

"There's gonna be one less lonely girl
One less lonely girl
There's gonna be one less lonely girl
One less lonely girl"

Four lines in, and I hate this. Okay, and half of the lyrics sound like he's singing through a phone.

"How many I told you's
And start overs and shoulders
Have you cried on before"

Wow. This is so awkwardly choppy and uncomfortable to listen to. It's like a rap, but not at all. Its random lines being stuttered out on top of each other. Additionally, what does this mean? What's an I told you? This is nonsensical.


"How many promises be honest girl
How many tears you let hit the floor"

Okay, this is creepy. How many promises of what? WHAT? Also, in a video comment, I must just say wow. The plot of this video is Lil' Ellen stalking her crush while she works. It is very, very disturbing.


"How many bags you'd packed"

Probably not very many. She is not a old, tired addict. This is a fifteen-year-old girl. The only time she needs to pack bags is if she goes to Disney World.


"Just to take'em back, tell me that"

Okay, this is just nonsense. Those words have no context.


"How many either or's"

Again, this means nothing.


"But no more,
If you let me inside of your world
There'll be one less lonely girl"

Oh. My. God. If you let me inside of your world, they'll be one less lonely girl? SHE PLANS TO KILL THIS YOUNG GIRL! She will use her lesbian prowess to sway her in, and then- boomf. One less lonely girl. That is until they find her in a swamp without a face.

"I will put your organs in my hand-heart box"


"Oh oh
I saw so many pretty faces"

You pink wearing monster! So many faces you cut off and then wore!


"Before I saw you, you
Now all I see is you"

Unneeded repetition infiltrates pop music today. Also, this is creepy, and dangerous. Imagine if you only saw one person. It sounds like a mistaken identity comedy.


"I'm coming for you"

OKAY. THIS IS DELIBRATE. Look at this line. There is no other interpretation for this other than murder.


"No no"

YES! NO! NO! THIS IS HORRIFYING.


"Don't need these other pretty faces
Like I need you"

Again, she only needs this one pretty face to wear and feel like a beautiful girl. Previously, the Beibster was ugly and no one would ever love her, says the artist's mother.


"And when your mine in the world"

Oh god!!! Don't fall into her trap! This is a dangerous slope, Lonley Girl!

"There's gonna be one less lonely girl
One less lonely girl
One less lonely girl
One less lonely girl
There's gonna be one less lonely girl"

Okay, wow. Its worth mentioning that over this chorus "I'm coming for you" is repeated. This is a serial killer anthem.


"I'm gonna put you first"

My lord girl, RUN! RUN!

One girl escaped from JBeib's hands. To do that, she needed to do THAT to her leg. However, she was not safe for long.


"I'll show you what you're worth"

350$ on craigslist, however it would be higher if it was identifiable what race she was.


"If you let me inside your world
There's gonna be one less lonely girl"

This is legitimately frightening. This young girl is threat to society and herself.

"Christmas wasn't merry, 14th of February
Not one of'em spent with you"

This is a stupid, chilche lyric, but the video takes the cake. She is LITERALLY trying to lure this young girl to her by hanging signs. If this isn't serial killer behavior, what is?


"How many dinner dates, set dinner plates
And he didn't even touch his food"

While not outwardly psychotic like, "I'm coming for you" but this is disturbingly nonsensical. Not just normal nonsense, but this shit is probably muttered in a hospital.


"How many torn photographs I saw you taping back"

This girl does not know how photographs work. You don't tape them back to fix them. You tape them together. Not back, together.


"Tell me that you couldn't see an open door
But no more,"

Yes, she sees no more, as you sliced her corneas open with a steak knife you named George.


"If you let me inside of your world
There'll be one less lonely girl"

Making fun of her psychotic tendencies is repetitive. This is so outwardly bad.

"Oh oh
I saw so many pretty faces
Before I saw you, you
Now all I see is you
I'm coming for you
No no
Don't need these other pretty faces
Like I need you
And when your mine in this world

There's gonna be one less lonely girl
One less lonely girl
One less lonely girl
One less lonely girl
There's gonna be one less lonely girl
I'm gonna put you first
I'll show you what you're worth
If you let me inside your world
There's gonna be one less lonely girl"

We get the point. You are a murderer. You kill for fun. You like watching your victim's life leave their eyes. You then slice off your victim's faces, wear them, and sell the rest of their bodies on craigslist. You are in the midst of stalking someone now, as you state in this song. Would you like to hammer that in again? This song is endless.

That point is not cute. It is a threat on your life.

"I can fix up your broken heart
I can give you a brand new start
I can make you believe"

Hey, this isn't outwardly psychopathic. What's going on here?


"I just wanna set one girl free to fall (free to fall)" Ah, there we go. Good ol' death by hanging upside and dropping repeatedly. That's my girl, Justin.


"She's free to fall (fall in love)
With me"

'FALL IN LOVE WITH ME AND ONLY ME' *Stabbystabstab* 'OH GOOD WE ARE IN LOVE'


"My hearts locked and nowhere that I got the key"

Okay- That is incredibly creepy and it doesn't make sense. "Nowhere I got the key?" What the HELL does that mean?


"I'll take her and leave the world
With one less lonely girl"

And then the same old shit. This song does brutal shit to me.

"There's gonna be one less lonely girl
One less lonely girl
There's gonna be one less lonely girl
One less lonely girl

One less lonely girl
One less lonely girl
One less lonely girl
There's gonna be one less lonely girl
I'm gonna put you first
I'll show you what you're worth
If you let me inside your world

There's gonna be one less lonely girl
One less lonely girl
One less lonely girl
One less lonely girl
There's gonna be one less lonely girl
I'm gonna put you first
I'll show you what you're worth
If you let me inside your world
There's gonna be one less lonely girl"

Wow. I would have never thought a song about a lesbian murderer would be so bland. She just repeats the same thing over and over and over. That last part is about three minutes long of her quickly talking. This is actually depressing. I can't take this anymore.

Baby

After One Less Lonley Girl, I retreated to my bed for 5 whole days. I did not move, and now have a bed sore that looks like Jennifer Love Hewit. After my depression, I woke, went to my computer, and say the lyrics of "Baby" burnt into my screen permently. As I studied them, I critiqued them. Oh God.

Download:
FLVMP43GP

"Ohh wooaah (3x)"

Ah, nonsense. Excellent. She sounds like a flater Britney Spears.


"You know you love me,I know you care"

Mind reading is a popular motif in teen pop. The Biebster KNOWS you love her. KNOWS IT!


"Just shout whenever, And I'll be there"

Okay, this is just a generic lyric, but I must comment on this video. A bowling alley must be the least romantic setting for a video ever. Every bowling alley I've ever went to smells like feet. Its gross. Also, what the hell is up with those spinning shots in Vegas? What the hell?


"You want my love, You want my heart"

Again, HOW DOES SHE KNOW THIS? She's just eyeing up this girl, and now they're in love. Also, I will not make a lesbian joke, as I see nothing wrong with it. There is too much material for me to stoop down to a make a sexual preference joke.


"And we will never ever ever be apart"

Okay. You were together five minutes. There is no need to talk like that old man from Up. For the sake of this article, lets ignore the video. In the video they just met, but maybe this fifteen year old love is a little older

"Are we an item? Girl quit playing"

An item? Are you shitting me Justin? First, no one says that anymore. Hell, no one ever said it. Second, YOU ARE FIFTEEN, You should be concerned about homework, and a school dance, not where you stand with your lesbian crush. Leave that to the brooding guy from (500) Days of Summer.


"Were just friends, What are you saying"

That you're just friends. She probably wants someone who isn't overdramatic. If you refuse the Biebster an ice cream cone, she'll probably threaten to "take a whole bottle of sleeping pills." However, she will say it through an auto-tune, making it devoid of all emotion.


"Said theres another, Look right in my eyes"

Okay, she's not even into chicks, let alone little Ellens. Second, I know I said I was going to stop commenting on the video, but I can't pass this up. The Biebster grabs the girl, she pulls away. Little Ellen is a future rapist! Run girl of unidentifiable race, RUN!

"My first love broke my heart for the first time,"

Okay, YOU ARE FIFTEEN! And based on the song, I'm pretty sure the video's accurate. She saw a girl at a bowling alley, and had the hots for her, proclaimed they're in love, and she rejected JBieb.


"And I was like
Baby, baby, baby ohhh
Like baby, baby, baby noo
Like baby, baby, baby ohh"

Oh, excellent. You groaned for thirty seconds. Why did she ever turn down your intellectual prowess?

No. Absolutley not. Never.


"I thought youd always be mine mine"

What is the trend with unnescarily repeating words? It dosen't add anything! It's just pointless.

"Baby, baby, baby ohh
Like baby, baby, baby noo
Like baby, baby, baby ohh
I thought youd always be mine,mine (oh oh)"

Okay, yes, you moaned again. I'm sure she loves that. I, for one, did not. So stop it. Also, it seems like the music is doing a countdown to this songs finish. It sounds like a ticking clock.

"For you, I would have done whatever"

What services can little Ellen do?


"And I just can't believe, we ain't together"

I can. I really hate this whiny bitch. She dosen't like you. Cry yourself asleep listening to the Jonas Brothers, then spend you're day at American Eagle.


"And I wanna play it cool, But I'm losin' you"

You are NOT playin' it cool. You are embaressing yourself in magnificent fashion. Girls do not like it when someone they are clearly not interested in cries for hours and makes a weepy song.


"I'll buy you anything, I'll buy you any ring"

What money do you have? Fucking excellent, buy her a stick of Lipsmakers. That will impress. And I'll just ignore the ring comment.


"And im in pieces, Baby fix me"

No. I will fix you. More specificly, I will have you spayed, so you won't be attracted to anyone and stop doing this shit.

Young girls try to JUSTI(N)fy [heh-heh] their love to her my masculizing the Biebster. Of course, the results are... that.


"And just shake me til' you wake me from this bad dream"

I would like to go back in time and shake the Biebster as a baby so she would never develop correctly. Oh!

"Im going down, down, down, dooown"

Hopefully from a fatal wound. I can't take this anymore. This hurts me.


And I just cant believe my first love would be around.

Okay, this makes no sense. I don't get this line at all. Around where? What the hell can this mean?

"And I'm like
Baby, baby, baby ohh
Like baby, baby, baby noo
Like baby, baby, baby ohh
I thought youd always be mine, mine"

What the hell is with that green screen background? It looks like she's standing infront of a giant argyle sweater. Also, her voice is so unbelievably flat.

Her darker period literally consisted of her wearing darker clothes.


"Baby, baby, baby ohh
Like baby, baby, baby noo
Like baby, baby, baby ohhh
I thought youd always be mine, mine"

I have nothing. This is such a boring piece of shit. Its just bland, talking about babies, and toddler love. God damn, it's not even short. This song is eternally long. Also, the video just forayed into a dance off, like a shitty version of thriller in a bowling alley. I wish it was in a regular alley so they could get mugged.

"Luda!"

Oh God! What the hell is this? Apparently, Ludacris is in this. I do not know what happened to Ludacris. Apparently justin Bieber murdered him, than made him apart of her army.


"When I was 13, I had my first love,"

Okay, this is an old man remembering. I'm fully expecting Luda' to tell me the price of a loaf of bread. Also, does Ludicris also fall in love incredibly easy? Along the lines of, "Do you have a piece of gum?" "Here" "I am in love!"


"There was nobody that compared to my baby,"

Probably due to the fact you knew about one hundred people when you were thirteen.


"And nobody came between us or could ever come above"

Holy shit, this is the worst rap I've ever heard. He is literally just speaking in a normal voice, without any rhythm whatsoever. I would say he phoned it in, but he is right there.


"She had me goin' crazy,
Oh I was starstruck,
She woke me up daily,
Don't need no Starbucks."

This isn't romantic, this is creepy. He dosen't need overpriced coffee because he has a crush on another thirteen year old.


"She made my heart pound,"

Not as fast though as when I will chase you, Luda, down the street with a machete.


"And skip a beat when I see her in the street and,

At school on the playground,"

Oh my GOD! Ludacris is talking about literal playground love. I think he's just messing with this little autotuned girl.

Not Pictured: Dignity, Respect, or Ludacris

"But I really wanna see her on the weekend,"

From personal experience Luda, she's not always at her stepfather's. She just dosen't like you. Cut it out.


"She know she got me gazin',
Cuz she was so amazin',"

Then she got me starin'/ for her infection was flarin' That's right Luda, I did her. Your Linda, your crush is now mine.


"And now my heart is breakin',"

WHAT? AND NOW? NOW? LUDACRIS, THE MILLIONAIRE RAPPER IS STILL IN LOVE WITH HIS CRUSH FROM 15 YEARS AGO.


"But I just keep on sayin'..."

Oh, goddamn. You moan with no rhythm as well.

"Baby, baby, baby ohh
Like baby, baby, baby noo
Like baby, baby, baby ohh
I thought youd always be mine, mine

Baby, baby, baby ohh
Like baby, baby, baby noo
Like baby, baby, baby ohh
I thought youd always be mine, mine"

Holy Shit. This is so damn long. The majority of the song is just... this! Just moaning and crying about bowling alley rejection.

"(I'm gone)
Yeah, yeah, yeah (6x)
(Now Im all gone, now im all gone, now im all gone)
Gone, gone, gone,(gone)
I'm gone."

Yeah stay gone. I hope you're gone in the sense of forever, not gone temporarily. This song actual did me physical harm. Mark my words Biebster, I will get you.

Conclusion

These two songs by this teen menace gave me a look into her fragile, crumbling psyche. First, she is clingy and quick to accept commitment. This would be bad, but it is coupled with bloody, murderous rage. This leads me to a conclusion. Justin Bieber is psychotic and must be stopped. She is more dangerous and deadly than Ke$ha, the dangerous drunk, whore, and addict. Both must be stopped with brutal, unstoppable force. However, it is mandatory for an allience to be made so that these two NEVER unite, as this can endanger mankind.

Holyshitholyshitholyshitholyshit. Goodbye sweet world