Pedophiles

Pedophiles are grown-ups that like little kids for all the wrong reasons. We will explore this topic to shed some light on why the fuck this happens.

Potential Pedophile, hide your kids.

Run children, that's not really candy.

He's the Pedobear, he rapes kids...who the hell comes up with this shit?

Just The Facts

  1. Pedophiles love to eat baby corn and baby asparagus deep fried in baby oil and garnished in baby powder and that's not innuendo.
  2. Pedophiles are sexually attracted to small defensless children, it turns out that they avoid kids who carry guns.
  3. People who leave their kids in the care of pedophiles are idiots.
  4. Pedophiles make horrible babysitters and kindergarten teachers
  5. 95% of pedophiles get raped in U.S. prisons
  6. 75.34% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

But Mr. Snitsky looks so normal.

Pedophiles are a defective breed of human who like to prey on children. While this seems to be a sport in Saudi Arabia, Japan and Thailand, at least other countries pretend to give a shit. Pedophiles usually only admit they have a problem when they get caught and are master ninjas at blending into society sometimes. What makes their brains work that way? Well according to Psychology Today, the causes of pedophilia are not known and research is being conducted. Yet if your brain tells you that having sex with kids is ok, you might want to look into getting castrated, and de-penified, you know, like Alan Colmes.

Fortunately America has weapons for combating this kind of depravity.

Welcome to the Law & Order: Chop off and feed you your nuts squad.

And

"Do you know why I'm here?" is the last thing you hear before some unsuspecting pedo runs and gets tackled by the swat team.

How to identify a Pedophile.

Pedophiles for the most part don't look like this:

They tend to look more like this:

or this:

Actual pedophile, not some random priest.

That said, you might need some pointers on how to identify these weirdos.

  • People who hang out at the kids section at Wal-Mart
  • People act like Drop Dead Fred
  • People with shady vans that say "free candy"
  • Scientologists

If your parents haven't taught you to run away screaming from the pedo-van then perhaps they need to be slapped with a lead gauntlet.

What to do when encountering a pedophile?

If by chance you encounter a pedophile on the streets it is best to be prepared. If you're a little kid, run the fuck away screaming and yelling "PEDOPHILE" as loud as possible. If you're old enough to kick some ass you can employ a variety of strategies such as:

Shoryuken!

or

Sadly Jack realized that his childhood hero Orville Redenbacher was a pedophile, he took quick action and popped Orvile's kernels.