Taco Bell Crimes

Bank robbers, unemployed guys with guns, idiotic thieves...they all Run For the Border.

Pranks: Or, Whip Out Your Snake at Taco Bell

There's a dark side to Taco Bell, one that a Google search quickly turns up. America's favorite purveyor of fine Fakesican words and food is also a nexus for weird robberies, weirder pranks, and inexplicable moments of group sex.

Taco Bell for some reason is a relentless target of pranks. Sure, some of it is just teens stealing food from the drive in: But others are, well, just random as hell.

For example, Bryant Simmons, just some poor working stiff, found himself getting paid with a python that three guys in a pickup truck tossed in through the drive-thru window. Simmons, being both sane and having a crippling fear of snakes, ran like hell. It's unclear whether the men in the pickup truck were douchebags, Bond villains trying to kill Simmons in the most roundabout way possible, or were just trying to pay for their tacos in snakes.

Some pranks happen not out of a desire for comedy, but out of genuine guilt. A group of masked men burst into a Taco Bell in Marion, Indiana, not to rob the place, but to return the 400 pounds of hot sauce they'd stolen from the Taco Bell over the space of three years, and that they'd apparently been keeping in the trunk of a car.

Of course, returning that meant dumping six trash bags of sauce packets, about 25,000 of them, lying around the store, but that's far from the worst thing Taco Bell employees have had to clean up.

Group Sex: That's Not What We Meant When We Said Two for a Dollar!

On the scale of things that can be psychologically scarring to an eleven year old, walking in on a foursome in the Taco Bell bathroom certainly ranks up there. As the child's father said in a statement: "eleven years old is still not old enough to learn about things like that." Which kind of makes us wonder just when he thinks it IS OK.

When I said "Run For the Border", I Meant Mexico!

Everybody loves going to Taco Bell. Some people do it twice a week, or even three times. In fact, Taco Bell is apparently so delicious and fun it even extends to holding the place up, whether for apple pies or for actual cash. At least it's that way for a Dayton man who knocked over the same Taco Bell three times in one week. The manager tried to justify getting knocked over by saying the robber had "very good knowledge of our security systems", as if it were a vault instead of a nacho dispenser.

Taco Bell will even get dragged into crimes it's got nothing to do with. A suspected cocaine dealer, in the middle of a 90 mile per hour high-speed chase, decided he was going to lose and got one last burrito at Taco Bell, pulling in at high speed and getting the place surrounded by cops.

Before you ask, no, they didn't give him his burrito. But you have to admire his customer loyalty.

Similarly, Taco Bell has been the site of some incredible criminal stupidity, mostly because after crooks rob something, apparently they go grab a gordita and some Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes. How else to explain Anthony Williams, of Trenton, who was trying to sell a police radio and computer monitor he stole to people in line at...Taco Bell? Well, aside from his being a product of the Trenton educational system. He's still better off than the kid who robbed a dojo in Roseville, CA, who was hunted down by the owner to the Taco Bell line he was waiting for and put in a chokehold. What's left unexplained was how the dojo owner found him. Did he leave behind the unmistakeable scent of Fire Sauce excreting from his skin?

Apparently, it's so fun to rob Taco Bell, people even try to steal jobs. A Haverstraw, NY man burst into a Taco Bell armed to the teeth and demanded both money and an application. He burst in, raided the till, made the cashier get on the floor, and then, showing the kind of verve and go-getting that really marks the best employees, walked into the manager's office and demanded to be hired. He was turned down, and left, both without job and loot.

In light of all this, we feel the best defense in the recent arrest of NFL All-Pro Joe Porter, wherein he slapped an officer's hand like a little wuss, made them draw their weapons, and ultimately got arrested even though he wasn't the one they pulled over, is not because of his drunkenness, but rather the terrifying nexus of evil that is your local purveyor of chalupas. We feel we've assembled compelling evidence for the creation of the "Taco Bell" defense, wherein if you're inside a Taco Bell, you obviously can't be responsible for your actions, as you're clearly going insane.