Chicago Cubs Fans

The Chicago Cubs were founded in 1870 as the Chicago Baseball Club. Shortly thereafter, they changed their name to the Chicago White Stockings, a fact Cubs fans will proudly bring up to their (much better) rivals on the south side, the Chicago White Sox. The team later changed names a few more times throughout the early 1800's, at one point they even adopted the name the Chicago Orphans (see what I did there). In 1902 the team was sold to a man named Jim Hart, who renamed them to the Cubs. Over the next 7 years, the Cubs were referred to as a dynasty. In that span they won a fairly impressive 2 World Series titles. Keep in mind, this was during a time in which: A) there were virtually zero African American, Latino, or Asian players in the league. B) The minimum home run distance was yet to be established at 250 ft, meaning that some ball parks outfields were comparable to your average little league field. And, C) Earned runs (perhaps the most important pitching stat we have available) were not recorded. Basically, this means that the only time the Cubs were worth a shit was when baseball resembled something similar to that drunken game of home run derby you played with your college buddies at the little league diamond that one Memorial Day.

If failure was summarized by a group of individuals, it would manifest itself as the Chicago Cubs. If un-earned arrogance and complete douchebaggery were summarized by a group of individuals, they would most certainly manifest themselves as Cubs fans. Since most of the teams fans can be classified as flaming bags of douche, it is really no surprise that a staggering number of hot chicks are fans as well. Because if there is one constant in life, it's that hot chicks love guys who are douchebags. The great Albert Einstein even dedicated his life's work in creating his famous "Hot Chicks and Doushebags Theorem" (citation needed). As you probably expected, a vast majority of these young women have virtually no interest in the game. They are only there to drink and look cute, as evidenced below.

^{Just look at how much they care about whats going on at the game}

There isn't another team in professional sports with a longer championship drought than the Cubs. Despite this crucial fact, they have one of the largest fan bases in all of professional sports, are one of the top 5 grossing teams in the MLB, and are one of the top 10 grossing teams in all professional sports. The real question is, why?

Let's take a look at other established teams with large fan bases. For the sake of example, let's use the Yankees. While being pretty much reviled in every state other than New York, the Yankees have built a large fan base due to several factors. One of which being that their home city, New York, is really fucking big. Second of all, they have a large and dedicated fan base because they, you know, win world series championships. 27 to be exact. Yeah, you might hate the Yankees and their fans, but, can you really argue with them? Their team has won TWENTY SEVEN FUCKING WORLD TITLES. The only reason people hate them is because they are jealous their own team couldn't get in on a piece of the action. And that hate is completely justified. After all, sports hate makes the world go round.

^{Go ahead and hate. It's ok, really.}

In any other city, in any other sport, a team as futile as the Cubs would be considered failures, and would struggle to hit the 50% attendance mark at every home game. It's only logical. If your team is awful and has been awful for 100 years, you would stop supporting them. Yet, somehow, someway, the Cubs sell out almost all of their games without any problem at all. There are plenty of teams who have had long stretches of futility. Pretty much every team goes through a dry spell. The difference between most teams and the Cubs is their fans. If you ask a Detroit Lions fan how the team is going to do next year, they would probably exhale deeply and glumly say, "Hopefully we get 5 wins next year." Here lies the difference between normal fans and Cubs fans. Every year, Cubs fans delude themselves into thinking, "This is it, this is the year, we are going all the way, baby!" It is almost like a cult. It doesn't matter if they are coming off a 100 win season or a 45 win season, the outlook is always the same. It won't be long before they qualify for tax exempt religion status and commit a mass suicide in Buckingham Fountain(hopefully).

^{We can only hope...}

One would think that a fan base as dedicated as this would be walking almanacs of baseball and team history. Bafflingly enough, this isn't the case at all. In fact, call one of your friends who is a Cubs fan right now. Go ahead, I'll wait. (waiting) Ok, got him on the phone? Ask him who their starting Center Fielder is. (waiting) He said Sammy Sosa didn't he? See, Cubs fans, despite worshipping a team whose only legacy is a goat, an antisocial super fan (Steve Bartman), and a legacy of routinely crapping their pants in the postseason, simply don't know much about the team or the sport they claim to love so much. So why are they so clueless about everything that is baseball? Because they don't need to care. Wrigleyville is an amazing neighborhood with numerous bars and endless amounts of attractive women.

If you bring up any of these facts listed above to a Cubs fan, his first response will be "Have you ever been to Wrigleyville? Dude, the bar scene is so awesome." Yes, there are quite a few bars in the surrounding neighborhoods. And yes, there are generally a good deal of young attractive women there. However, if you're idea of a fun time is waiting 20 minutes for a $6 bottle of domestic beer while being surrounded by some of the douchiest people in the city, then, well, you're a Cubs fan, and you probably fit right in.

^{Nothing says "Fun" more than waiting 20 minutes for a beer}

The second thing any Cubs fan will be hot to trot about is their "legacy and history". For whatever reason, it's romantic to go to the North Side and drink beer with rich white people and watch crappy baseball. It's a great way to feel like the common man, even though you paid $80 for a bleacher ticket. Yes, the Cubs were one of the country's first organized baseball teams, and yes, Wrigley Field is historic. Problem is, it is also falling apart. Go to a Cubs game at Wrigley Field and look above you. You will see giant nets stretching across the entire top of the stands. These are here not because Wrigley Field has a Joe's Crab Shack all you can eat seafood buffet every Sunday afternoon. No, they are there to PROTECT FANS FROM PIECES OF THE STADIUM FALLING ON THEM. Yes, Wrigley field is literally falling apart. There is a difference between something being historical and something being a piece of shit. In the Cubs case, they are both. Yes, for most Cubs fans, overpriced beer and a dilapidated stadium are apparently the big draw here.

^{Pictured: The most expensive seats in baseball}

After reading the above prose, one would probably think "Well, tickets have to be affordable, the team sucks and the stadium is falling aprt." While this would seem to be a logical thought progression, in 2010 the Cubs have the highest ticket prices in baseball. Higher than the Yankees! Yes, a team that just built a new stadium, has more world series wins than most MLB teams combined, and resides in a larger market has LOWER ticket prices than a team who has constantly failed for over a century. This fact alone speaks volumes about the intelligence of Cubs fans. They willingly pay more money to watch their team fail. Every year.

^{See that pain? That means they're better fans than you.}

But, what makes Cubs fans so unberable is that they wear their failure like a badge of courage. They truely believe as if choosing this lifestyle makes them noble. They seem to think that since their team is historically shitty, they are better fans than anyone else. The only thing they are better at is failing, and that, apparently, is something to be proud of. The Cubs are the only losing franchise that somehow manages to recruit new bandwagon fans each year. People gladly jump on to experience hearbreak and failure. Every. Single. Year. It's baffeling.