Movie Sequels
A sequel is a follow-up film to a successful movie. The word comes from the Latin root meaning 'invented by the Dark Lord Satan'.
The History of Sequels
In 1572, astrologist and magician John Dee was translating the Necronomicon on the eve of Friday the 13th when he came across the idea of creating sequels. He spent the next ten years composing a sequel to Shakespeare's Macbeth, in which Banquo's ghost is revealed to be a spirit messenger from the planet Mars who aims to drive women insane in order to heal his home planet's ozone layer.
Fortunately, while Dee was composing the final dance-off scene between Banquo and a resurrected MacBeth, the manuscript spontaneously burst into flames, the smoke forming a howling demon that dispersed itself on the floor on its way to Hell.
Sequels were rediscovered in 1916, when Fall of a Nation, the sequel to Birth of a Nation, was made. Both movies were linked to the KKK (Birth of a Nation was based on a heroic novel called The Clansman), and it has actually been downhill from there.
Hey, this looks like a great trend to follow!
How To Make a Sequel That Doesn't Suck
First, you must sacrifice a black goat on the altar of Kali. Be sure to use an Anatolian black goat and not an Altai mountain goat, or you may accidentally summon the demon of animated spin-off series. Smear yourself in the creature's warm living blood and promise to serve the dark powers for all eternity. Don't forget to seal the doors with Elder Signs!
When the demon appears, you must accept his terms of payment. If you want to make one good sequel, you must agree to one day make a movie about lady cowboys. If you want to make two or more good sequels, you must consent to one day making Avatar.
You forget, all the movies with Hannibal Lecter were based on books. Yes, Hannibal was a sequel, and yes, nowhere as good as The Silence of the Lambs, but blame the author of the book. Not the director of the movie.
ReplyAnd the books are many, many, many times more terrifying than the movies as well. The Red Dragon was the first of that series, I would recommend reading them all.
You're forgetting the fact that Red Dragon and Silence of the Lambs were both written before the movie franchise even began. Hannibal and Hannibal Rising were both written well after the success of Silence, almost definitely (though I can't say conclusively) the crappy offspring of an inflated ego (i.e. George Lucas/Steven Spielberg syndrome).
That's why the film adaptation of Red Dragon was so awesome, despite being the third movie. When you write for the sake of writing and not for cash/fame, your work tends to be better.
Jurassic Park III criticism noted, but you are skirting the inconvenient truth that Jurassic Park II kicked ass.
ReplyYou know, here's the funny thing with this article that just makes you, sephira, a complete hypocrite: the fact that you said that the way to make a movie sequel not suck is that if it's planned in advance.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesNeither Terminator 2: Judgment Day nor Aliens, two of the greatest movie sequels of all time, were planned. In addition to that, the Star Wars prequel trilogy was in fact something that George Lucas had wanted to do, the technology needed to make the movies was not available at the time.
I'm really glad I read your comment a couple of months after the fact. It makes me want to pound you over the head with a live catfish slightly less. Slightly. You just can't read a funny article without making a dick move like pretending to be a film critic or otherwise anyone whose opinion is worth more than a handjob from a homeless guy. If you don't like the article then don't f*****g read it. It's not like George Lucas is going to read your comment, realize your awesomeness and invite you out to Skywalker Ranch so you can advise him on what he should do with the whole Star Wars series. Lucky for you, the technology to go f**k yourself is available right now. You and the hobos have a good time.
teehee... handjob from a homeless guy... teehee
"If you don't like the article then don't f*****g read it."
How, do tell, would one decide that they dont like an article... before they read it?
I would rather have no sequels at all, not even the good ones, if it meant there would be no more bad ones...
ReplyHilarious article, but the tetragrammaton star isn't demonic. Quite the opposite, actually. I know it's supposed to be a joke, but it just comes off as ignorant.
ReplyIgnorant? unless you are a Pagan, then you learned it from the Da Vinci Code. i bet youre going to be a symbologist too.
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Wait...Wait...The Midichlorians are parasites?I thought they were just things like White Blood Cells,or things your body creates.Where does it say they're parasites?
ReplyNothing, he was just making a joke.
Looks like some of you need to play Parasite Eve....
I guess Squaresoft got the Final Fantasy games right then,since none of them have direct sequels.If I ever screwed up so much that I screwed up at screwing up and created a successful movie,I'd create a sequel that has almost nothing to do with the original.Almost.But if you think about it,most endings to great classics don't solve anything.
ReplyEver heard of Final Fantasy X-2?
Silence of the Lambs was a book, along with Hannibal, Hannibal Rising, and Red Dragon/Manhunter. I think that ought to exclude it from this list.
ReplyExcept that Hannibal the movie sucked, so it's all right for it to be on here.
The Halloween 2 remake completely killed Michael Meyers by taking away his mask, making him look like hobo Santa, and making him f*****g TALK!
ReplyIt was a good article, yes George Lucas killed the whole idea of the Force by making it a god damn bacteria that lives in your blood, and Alien 3... that horrible travesty that killed the franchise, and then Resurrection of course raped the dead corpse. I think it's interesting to note that you used a few sequels as your "good" examples.
ReplyAt least Resurrection was FUNNY.
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ReplyThe shot of Dave Grohl's Satan is boss.
ReplyThat was pretty funny for one so short.
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ReplyIf you put "A GE" and "MIN GLE" together, then you will get the url.
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I got the impression the metechlorians(?) were more of an indicator that someone was strong in the force and not the reason. Granted, it took sort of a misfired attempt to add science to Star Wars, but I hardly think adding biological indicators somehow ruins the force. But then again I don't sweat all night over it
Reply...that pentagram is a holy symbol that has nothing to do with devil worship ("Te-Tra-Gram-Ma-Ton" wasn't your first clue?)
ReplyFail.
I actually just bought and watched Birth of a Nation two days ago.
ReplyHow to... keep talking about Star Wars.
Reply Hide All See All 4 Replies1. Pick one of your many Star Wars issues. This could be a gripe, or something you find awesome/badass. Anything you want to tell people about, so that everybody hears about Star Wars.
2. Research for filler material: other films with vaguely similar issues. This is tedious, for it is not Star Wars, but it must be done in order to dress up #1 as a genuine Craked article.
3. Post on Cracked. Be sure to put your Star Wars issue last in the list.
this comment > the article
totally agree with speicus, this article sucks..
I'm sure i can some up with a little list like that about the many Japan related joke articles/references on Cracked also. People love an easy joke.
I see articles like this in other places too. "Dramatic cinematic entrances"... any guess at who's number one on that list?
I consider it a new form of 'Rickrolling': haha, you didn't see it coming but I made you read about Star Wars again!
Consenting to make a movie that made over a billion dollars must have been horrible.
ReplySome things are worth more than money. Like the ability to feed yourself without dribbling.
Lecter was a supporting character in Silence of the Lambs? Really?
ReplyI think he only had about 15 minutes of screen time