Beyonce Knowles

A look at how an army of writers still can't come up with songs that are original.

WTF?

Remember guys, poop comes from there...

Even her videos repeat themselves...

Just The Facts

  1. Beyoncé was once a part of R&B sensation, Destiny's Child.
  2. Beyoncé has collaborated with over 70 people to write her three solo albums.
  3. . Beyoncé is married to rapper Jay-Z

Beyoncé Knowles; An Unhip White Guy's Guide to Her Lyrics

By ArayB

Ah Beyoncé, she sure has a way with words; well her and about 30,000 other people anyway. Her success as a singer has spawned such popular hits as Crazy in Love, Baby Boy, Naught Girl, Déjà Vu, Irreplaceable, Beautiful Liar, a song the Canadians made popular called Get Me Bodied, and most recently off her most recent album called I Am… Sasha Fierce, which included highly overrated pop songs like that damn racket titled Single Ladies (Put a Ring on it), the wishful gender reversal anthem If I Were a Boy, Halo, and Sweet Dreams.

Miss Bootylicious is a musical force to be reckoned with. That's a lot of hit songs, right? Well it takes a village to write songs for a Pop Diva; over 30 different people collaborating on 11 songs! Before you bitch, I'm well aware this kind of stuff is standard when it comes to pop music; and hell, some of these people probably only contributed musically. For all I know Beyoncé could have written all the lyrics and handed over most of the musical chores to real musicians, but eff that! I don't get paid to investigate this any further. I see over 30 people writing 11 songs and I imagine Miss Knowles lying on a couch in the studio texting Jay-Z while this army of writers comes up with the second verse for Single Ladies with guns pointed at their head, and every once in awhile she mumbles some compliments in order to encourage the troops.

So do these songs really merit so many writers? Are these lyrics being fine-tuned to be as poignant and engaging as possible? Does it really take three other people to write the "You ready? Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no" part of Crazy in Love? We'll find out as we analyze a few of Beyoncé's most recent hit songs and try to figure out what the hell she's talking about, and why it took so many different people to help her say it.

We'll start with what is easily the most annoying one of the bunch; "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on it)."

Written by Christopher Stewart, Terius Nash, and Kuk Harrell…oh, and Beyoncé.

All the single ladies, all the single ladies
All the single ladies, all the single ladies
All the single ladies, all the single ladies
All the single ladies

Hm, let's see here… lots of repetition here. She obviously wants to get a point across, right? This song MUST be for single ladies.

Now put your hands up

Like we're on a rollercoaster? How fun!


Up in the club, we just broke up

I think this means she broke up with a guy up in a club.


I'm doing my own little thing
Decided to dip and now you wanna trip

Okay, is 'dip' some clever allegory for sex? All I think about when I hear this line is Roger Rabbit begging Christopher Lloyd to spare his life. Is it a reference to the dancing maneuver? I don't know.


Cause another brother noticed me

Alright, so as far as I can gather; you're mad at your Ex because he had sex with you (or dipped you like the dance maneuver) and now you're being noticed by another brother…Well, it's not Shakespearian quality, but please go on.

I'm up on him, he up on me

Fair enough.


Don't pay him any attention
Just cried my tears, for three good years
Ya can't be mad at me

So don't be mad at her because she's found a perfectly ignorable guy to dance with. She's been crying for three years now, that's HER prerogative.

Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Don't be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Oh, oh, oh

Yeah fella, you should have put a ring on it if you liked it. Jerk.

If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Don't be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it

She told us that already…



I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips

Holy Shit! She's a circus freak!!!


Got me tighter in my Dereon jeans


Acting up, drink in my cup
I can care less what you think

Watch out! She's getting crazy and apathetic!

I need no permission, did I mention
Don't pay him any attention

I feel bad for this other guy; she keeps on mentioning that we should just forget he's there.

Cause you had your turn and now you gonna learn
What it really feels like to miss me

The dude should have appreciated what he had and done everything he could to keep it. Hey! Kind of like that Cinderella song, Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone). That song is beautiful.

Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Don't be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Oh, oh, oh

This part again?

If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Don't be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Oh, oh, oh

Ow! It won't stop!


Don't treat me to the things of the world
I'm not that kind of girl
Your love is what I prefer, what I deserve

I call bullshit! The minute you start bringing her gifts from the heart made from macaroni and construction paper is the minute she'll dump your ass and bitch about how you're cheap.

Here's a man that makes me then takes me

The other guy? You told us twice not to pay attention to him, remember?


And delivers me to a destiny, to infinity and beyond

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR!?!?!


Pull me into your arms, say I'm the one you own

I thought you were moving on? You know, with the dude who we're not supposed to pay attention to.


If you don't, you'll be alone
And like a ghost Ill be gone

Actually, ghosts generally stick around…that's what haunting is.

All the single ladies, all the single ladies
All the single ladies, all the single ladies
All the single ladies, all the single ladies
All the single ladies
Now put your hands up, oh, oh, oh

Christopher Stewart

"Uh guys, this song needs to be a bit longer…any ideas?"

Terius Nash

"Yeah, just have her sing that "single ladies" part seven more time."

Kuk Harrell

"Brilliant! We're going to make sooo much money off of this song!"


Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Don't be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Oh, oh, oh

My head…it hurts.

If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Don't be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Oh, oh, oh

This song took four people to write, I kid you not. As for the literal meaning of the song, I gather it's about how all the single ladies need to break up with their men up in clubs and dance up on some insignificant doucher to make their guy jealous, and when he throws a fit you just tell him he should have gone out and bought an engagement ring, because this wouldn't have happened if he did.

Next let us examine the artistic opus, If I Were a Boy. We know that it's supposed to be artistic because the music video is in black and white.

Written by BC Jean and Toby Gad…and Beyoncé.

If I were a boy even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted
And go drink beer with the guys

Really? If I was a chick I'd grab a mirror and spend hours in the bathroom exploring my new anatomy.

And chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
And I'd never get confronted for it
'Cause they stick up for me

Yes, us manly men look after each other and viciously defend the pack from nagging girlfriends/ and or wives. That's what we do.

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl

You don't have to be a boy to love a girl, Beyoncé. They're called "lesbians".


I swear I'd be a better man

That's big talk, squatter.

I'd listen to her

'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

Beyoncé and her army of co-writers are making way too many rash generalizations on the male gender.


If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
So they'd think that I was sleeping alone

Why would telling everyone that your phone is broken make people think you were sleeping alone? That doesn't make sense…

I'd put myself first
And make the rules as I go
'Cause I know that she'd be faithful
Waiting for me to come home, to come home

This is where she admits that if she was a penis owning boy, she'd pull the exact same schitick! Talk about hypocritical.


If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

They ran out of ideas already?


I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

Yup.


It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake
Think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

But if you were a boy you'd understand!

But you're just a boy
You don't understand
And you don't understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man

This is different…wait a sec…Hey!

You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
'Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy

Hey, I'm all man, lady!

I think this song is kind of like her way of saying "If I had a dick, I'd put you in your place with a how a man is supposed to act. If I had a dick I'd understand everything and you'd be my bitch." Or something, I don't know.

And last, we take a look at Halo.

Written by Ryan Tedder, Evan "Kidd" Bogart…and Beyonce.

Remember those walls I built

I never took Beyoncé as the builder type…


Well, baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make up a sound

What the hell did you make them out of?!?

I found a way to let you in

Through the torn down walls, no doubt.


But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

This song would be way better if it was about Master Chief.

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm takin'
I ain't never gonna shut you out

Good to know, you crazy wall destroying babe, you.

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace



You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I'd hate to sleep right next to someone who glowed.

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

Can't they write a song without repeating the title over and over again?

Hit me like a ray of sun

Not like Chris Brown.

Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light

Like a moth.

I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling

Probably because you're standing up.


Gravity can't forget
To pull me back to the ground again

Damn you, Gravity!



Feels like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
The risk that I'm takin'
I'm never gonna shut you out

Again with the repeats!

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

We heard you the first time.


You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

Dammit…

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

Oh, come on!

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
Halo, halo

You bastards!!!

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

AHHHHHH!!!!

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away


I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

So this song is about some irradiated dude who glows and busts through walls to sleep next to Beyoncé' so she can feel his "halo"…Nice!

Every single one of these song just repeats the title over and over and over and over again! Seriously, why does it take so many people to write this stuff? It's almost as formulaic as a Nickelback album, almost. Did it really take that many writers to write three songs where more than half of the allotted time is spent reminding us what the title is?

This Article is dedicated to the many contributors to Beyoncé Knowles' solo career…all 20,000 of them:

Angela Beyincé,

Antwan Patton,

Bernard Edwards,

Bryce Wilson,

Chad Hugo,

Dave McCracken,

Delroy Andrews,

Donna Summer,

Eldra DeBarge,

Errol McCalla, Jr.,

Etterlene Jordan,

Eugene Record,

Giorgio Moroder,

Hugo Chakrabongse,

Ian Dench,

James Mtume,

James Scheffer,

Kandice Love,

Kanye West,

Kuk Harrell,

Larry Troutman,

LaShaun Owens,

Makeba Riddick,

Makeda Davis,

Mark Batson,

Mikkel S. Eriksen,

Missy Elliott,

Pete Bellotte,

Pharrell Williams,

Prince,

Rich Harrison,

Rick Rouse,

Rico Love,

Robert Waller,

Ryan Tedder,

Scott Storch,

Sean Garrett,

Sean Paul Henriques,

Solange Knowles,

Terius Nash,

Toby Gad,

Tyrone Wrice,

Wayne Wilkins,

William Collins,

Amanda Ghost,

Andreao Heard,

BC Jean,

Brian Bridgeman,

Christopher Stewart,

Corte Ellis,

Craig Brockman,

Darryl Harper,

Delisha Thomas,

Espen Lind, Amund Bjørklund,

Evan "Kidd" Bogart,

Gary Cooper,

George Clinton, Jr.,

Giorgio Moroder,

Ian Dench

Karrim Mack,

Keli Nicole,

Larry Troutman,

Nisan Stewart,

Pete Bellotte,

Price Shaffer "Ne-Yo" Smith,

Randy DeBarge,

Reggie Lucas,

Rodney Jerkins,

Roger Troutman,

Sean Paul Henriques,

Shawn Carter,

Sherrod Barnes,

Shuggie Otis,

Swizz Beatz,

Toby Gad,

Tor Erik Hermansen,

Tupac Shakur,

…and of course, Beyoncé Knowles