An open Letter to Avatar that does not have to do with the plot ripping off Pocahontas.
Just The Facts
- Avatar is a movie of epic and groundbreaking proportions.
- -and by "Epic" I mean; "the story was terrible."
- -and by "Groundbreaking" I mean; "the mechanics of it didn't make sense either."
People seem to be caught up on the terrible story revolving around Avatar. Sadly, they are forgetting the important things. Such as the NITPICKING, the SCIENCE, the LOGIC, the WHY THE FUCK DOES THE HORSE NEED 6 GODDAMN LEGS?!
Therefore, I must ask, you, Avatar movie, to please put down your tissue you've been blowing on for getting passed over at the recent award shows and explain the following;
-Why does everything on Pandora have 6 legs and four eyes..except the na'vi? Nature is efficient and there is no way a non top-heavy animal would require two sets of front legs. It is a design nightmare for locomotion. You can see it when anything with 4 front legs runs in the movie. The legs have to run together or else they'll collide into each other, rendering their existence pointless. That's extra energy spent for no reason. Evolution designs are based on necessary balances for an animal to function. T-Rex had a big-ass head for his big-ass teeth, thus; he had a big ass tail and strong legs to balance him like a fulcrum, and little arms to keep weight down in the front. That design, though odd, at least worked and made sense. Granted, we, in real life, have the Platypus, but nature looks the other way when it comes to that thing. We all do. It's kind of an understanding everyone has because he is small and offers few delicious anatomical parts.
-Speaking of Energy, how does a 14-foot tall horse sustain itself with a nose nozzle like an anteater, and tongue like a hummingbird, thereby suggesting it only lives on flower nectar and/or dew? We see it in the movie, it sticks it's affront-to-God tongue in and out of a flower and everyone in the theatre is distracted by the close-ups of its heaving belly and the dramatic breathing sound effects blasting into their ear drums to care. They do this to convince us this Horse is not some half-assed CGI cartoon, but is actually there, in front of us, alive. But I'm not convinced. What the fuck else could this thing possibly eat? It obviously can't chew, it has no teeth, which also means it can't rip up grass or tear off leaves...The gay-ass fanboy site dedicated to Wikipedia-fying Avatar states this horse is bigger then an Elephant and that, I quote; "The Direhorse is a land omnivore that uses its long snout, as well as its long giraffe-like tongue, to feed on sap. It is able to capture some protein intake through insects trapped inside the sap." NO. FUCK YOU. A 14-foot tall beheamouth with 6 legs WILL NOT BE SUSTAINED ON SAP and INSECTS. Look, I'm 5'8", 140 pounds and I couldn't sustain myself for 5 days on MILKSHAKES. IT WOULD HAVE TO DRINK GALLONS OF SAP AND EAT AN ENTIRE COLONY OF ANTS EVERY OTHER HOUR, ALL DAY LONG. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH AN ELEPHANT OR EVEN A REGULAR SIZE HORSE EATS? They should have named this horse the "Dire-Straits" because that's the state it would constantly be in. Also, why the hell did James Cameron have to put multiple breathing holes on the front of this horse...
....LIKE A GODDAMN GRILL ON A FORD MUSTANG?
Now, every time it moves forward, it takes in the dust of whatever is in front of it. Great design there guys. Why don't I just move my nose to my neck? Imagine if people had to breathe out of their neck all the time. Who could do that? I mean, that would only happen if there existed some magic sticks we might light on fire just to inhale the smoke. -And I can tell you one thing my friend, that is ridiculous. Mankind isn't that stupid! ...*cough*
-What is the source of the force those lizards achieve in order to spin around and generate enough lift to fly off the ground with a single wing? Nothing takes off from a stationary position with one wing. What the lizard concept was trying to emulate was Leonardo da vinci's airscrew machine.
But that shit doesn't work because; A. there is no mechanism to keep the main body from rotating in the direction opposite the blades. B. no mechanism to deal with wind. [If wind is blowing across the blades, one side is effectively moving through the air faster than the other, meaning the lizard will flip over and crash.] C. The lizard is not generating any power to get the thing started, nor keep it going long enough to escape gravity, let alone glide. What the fuck, when I pay to see high tech shit with 3-D glasses, I expect the same kind of mechanics in my movie. If I wanted to get ripped off, I'd buy ANOTHER tub of popcorn and settle for living on Top Ramen for the rest of the fiscal year.
-How do those big ass hammerhead rhinos withstand bullets from a caliber of a gun so large it takes a machine to lift it? If they have such a tough hide, how does anything hunt them? All herbivores serve the purpose to be eaten. Explain!!! Animals exist to eat and be eaten. Even fucking trees have to play a role. Again, I must cite the platypus as a possible exception. Is that thing extinct yet? How the fuck is the Dodo and the Eastern Elk extinct and that thing is still hanging around Australia and my nightmares? I know there were no prominent roles filled by platypus in your movie, but I want answers, dammit.
-Why the hell did the gunners of the female pilot's hovercraft not report her when she flew off and decided not to shoot the tree near the end? Where did they go after that scene, drinking? I waited the whole movie for this to be explained. I thought her and her crew would be tight or knocking boots. I'd imagine if you're part of a chopper crew, you'd eventually form ties at some point. Neither one of these idiots appear later in the movie or reported her. It can therefore be deduced that they didn't hate her enough to MAKE her fire on the Tree or at LEAST report her, but that they also were not cool enough with her to help her break the marine and sigourney weaver and that other dude out of that one-man guarded prison. They were there for the sake of...being there. EXPLAIN, AVATAR! EXPLAIN!
-Why does a corporation bent on destroying the landscape and firing upon the local wildlife allow Sigourney Weaver's character to throw her weight around and move their facilities? Was there a point at ALL for having that pushover CEO with the cowlick? She's on his payroll, right? It would be like human resources marching up to the CEO and demanding to relocate to Los Angeles. Why was she even brought in to discuss peace when they already had a small army there with nukes and soldiers in the first place? It doesn't sound like her plan was expected to ever work from the getgo. Fuck you spell check, getgo is a word.
-Why did the general send in ground troops at the last battle? The fight was in the AIR. The last battle scene included a convoy of airships escorting a bomber. In a scene earlier in the movie, this same unit attacked and knocked out a big tree the na'vi really liked. We also saw that the arrows, sticks and stones of the na'avi had no effect on the airships. The last Mission was to destroy the Deity of the na'vi. So why were there troops dropped onto the ground? What was the point of that? The general already knew they couldn't be attacked from the ground by the na'vi when they were in the air. The na'vi had no surface-to-air offensive weaponry. The mission was simple; get close to the deity, drop the nuke, and the blue people will be broken in spirit and disperse without it. THAT'S IT. WHERE DOES "LAND ON THE GROUND SO THEY CAN ATTACK US WITH EVERYTHING THAT MOVES" FIT INTO THAT EQUATION?
And it's a shame because I really liked this guy, the way he was takin' care of business and workin' overtime. I loved when he kicked open the air-lock, thereby endangering the lives of EVERYONE in the compound, and came out, guns blazing without his oxygen mask. I loved his total disregard for the lives he was hired to protect to the point his mentality became "to kill one person is more important then say, breathing." -But this display of strategic and military incompetence ruined everything. If he had just added those troops to his convoy in the sky and ignored the na'vi on the ground, he would have won because all those people and animals they gathered would have been taken out of the playing field. Did I miss something? You strike the head and the body falls. WHAT WAS THE POINT OF LANDING ON THE GROUND WHEN YOU HAD THE ADVANTAGE IN THE AIR? DROP THE FUCKING BOMB AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE!
-What was powering those stupid portable labs where the marine lived and used to get into the Avatar bodies? Love? Nothing powers sophisticated technology and life support like that in such small quarters for such a long time. It was the size of a goddamn redneck trailer and stranded on a mountain. How the fuck did those stay powered for so long? If the battery on my iphone can't get me through half a day, how the fuck is that trailer providing oxygen, powering computers, monitors, life support and machines that act as a telepathic device for months on end?
-HOW THE FUCK DID THE QUEEN OF THE NA'VI KNOW THE MOTHER DEITY TREE COULD SWITCH BODIES BETWEEN AN ORGANISM IT HAD NEVER ENCOUNTERED BEFORE AND A FAKE NA'VI BODY? Humans had never even seen the tree until Sigourney Weaver was brought in to try and switch bodies. Yet, the goddamn tree can magically link up to a foreign alien species and exchange its mind and soul with this 9 foot tall cat creature...
- Despite the fact no human was allowed to see, let alone come in contact with it before.
- Despite the fact that humans don't have those tentacle ponytails.
And the na'vi allow this magical transformation...
- Despite the fact that every other human had shot them or treated them unkindly.
- Despite the fact that not two scenes ago, the main protagonist marine infiltrated and deceived them, which resulted in their big tree getting blown the fuck up and the death of the Leader of the Na'vi.
HOW STUPID ARE THESE BLUE PEOPLE?
-And even if you look past all of that, answer me this; IF THEY COULD AT LEAST TRY THIS CEREMONY WHEN SIGOURNEY WEAVER WAS BROUGHT IN, WHY DIDN'T THEY JUST MAKE JAKE SULLY A NA'VI RIGHT THEN AND THERE?! WHAT WERE THEY WAITING FOR? GET THE CHOPPER AND BRING HIS BODY HERE AND DO IT! The Queen of the Na'vi SPECIFICALLY SAID Sigourney Weaver's Character died because she was TOO WEAK for the body transfer to work. HEY ASSHOLES, HOW ABOUT TRYING IT NOW ON A PERFECTLY HEALTHY GUY INSTEAD OF WAITING UNTIL AFTER A BATTLE WHERE HE COULD BE POTENTIALLY FATALY HURT LIKE THAT BITCH THAT JUST DIED MID-TRANSFER? WHAT DA' FUUUUUUCCCKKKK?!!!! EXPLAIN!!!
I swear, if the people at the movie theatre you saw this in were not actualized into a class 3 unruly mob by this point, it would be safe to deduce that there is, in fact, no God. Regardless, at MY theatre, we were all weighing the benefeits and drawbacks of utilizing the Phalanx Technique over the Fabian Strategy in regards to our torch and pitchfork formations when we were hit with the biggest failure of all...
Pandora ...Just Doesn't Make Sense.
...How the fuck are there...floating mountains...with waterfalls?!
Waterfalls imply water is at the top..top of what?! WHERE THE FUCK IS THE WATER COMING FROM?
These mountains are in and above the clouds, condensation does not replenish that quickly. And another thing, you guys are intelligent people, right? So you've at least seen pictures of the Andes, the Himalayas, and Mount Everest? You know what all of these Mountains of HIGH Altitude have in common? Try SNOW, ICE and ATMOSPHERIC PRESSURE, which require EQUIPMENT TO HELP YOU BREATHE at -70 degrees F. You do realize that even in the summer of the hottest temperatures, even when flowers bloom at the base, mountains of high altitude have SNOW ALL YEAR 'ROUND? RIGHT? That the higher you go, the colder it gets? Are you as mad as I am yet? Oh, and what is holding these giant snowless rocks in place...those vines? Those are some strong vines to be holding a MOUNTAIN in place. And I guess these mountains are not affected by wind? What's that you say? Weight doesn't apply in weightless vaccums or vortexs you say? Well, there IS weight because the WATER is FALLING DOWN and NOTHING FLOATS but the ROCK. These mountains would be blown out of the vortex by the slightest breeze and into regular areas of non-vortex resulting in them plummeting to Pandora's surface, squashing everything beneath them. NOTHING MAKES SENSE ON PANDORA! Also, how the hell is this vortex isolated within a planet? WHAT ARE THE LAWS OF PHYSICS AND GRAVITY ON THIS PLANET? The vines don't float, the water doesn't float, ONLY the ROCK? EXPLAIN, you stupid movie! I'm having a stroke over here!! I haven't been this baffled and pissed off since Superman made the Earth spin in an opposite direction in order to reverse the laws of Physics, Time and Death! Sadly, I would WELCOME that right about now!
And to James Cameron as well as all the people who ate up this movie without question...
Unless you're a platypus.
Bonus Review of 2012 can be found below.