Bees

Bees are the noisy assassins of the insect world. Their armies number in the millions and they all form part of a communistic hive mind! Even as we speak waves of killer bees are slowly stinging their way up America.

These bees are getting some honey

This is not a bee but you should still stay away from its butt

Just The Facts

  1. Bees are stripey
  2. Bees have deadly hypodermic needles where their ass should be
  3. Honey is bee spit
  4. No seriously honey is bee spit
  5. I really can't get over the fact that honey is bee spit.

All about bees

The bee is well known to all of us. Ever since we were toddlers we have feared and admired the bee. As toddlers we discovered very quickly that bees are the one insect that is not good to eat. Later on as young but still very stupid children we found out that it was hilarious and painful to throw rocks at their homes and like little assholes we got indignant when they defended their homes.  Now as  adults we admire the bee for its many uses such as honey, pollinating flowers and educating our children in the ways of the world. We here at cracked think it is high time that bees got the respect and admiration that they deserve.

We as humans have a tendency to exterminate animals that piss us off.  If you don't believe me just ask the tasmanian tiger, elephant bird and emo kids (just you wait.)  Yet despite our talent for exterminating animals for any reason whatsoever the humble bumble bee survives. Truly the bee is a master of survival.

Bees are good

Bees are good. Perhaps the most important thing bees do for us is to give us a way of explaining sex to stupid children.(That's all of them) But bees have many uses apart from lying to children. Bees are also an important way of teaching children that its a cruel world out there. Bees also give us honey. Scientists tell us that honey is created when a bee drinks nectar and then vomits it out again. Basically bees are the drunken frat boys of the insect world always puking and daring others to drink it. Did you know that without bees there'd be no flowers?  Bees act as a flower's own private sperm donor. Fruits are a byproduct of the bees filthy little escort service. Think about that the next time you eat an apple.

Bees are bad

Sure bee stings are hilarious when they happen to children but what happens when bees sting real people? It hurts like hell. They also like to steal your soft drinks and god forbid you should swallow one. The bee will die but so will you as your throat swells up. If you're 'lucky' one of your friends will have watched ER and will take a steak knife and give you an emergency tracheotomy. Bees are like stripy suicide bombers. Every time a bee stings you it dies. They are so devoted to the good of the hive that they have become a twisted child of Stalin and Bin Laden combined.

It Sucks being a bee

Sure their stings hurt like hell. But bees have a excuse. There are simply a ridiculous number of people trying to kill the poor bees. Not only that but they have to deal with disgusting parasites, the mysterious colony collapse disorder and the truly terrifiying Japanese hornet, an animal so evil that it got its own cracked page.