Customer Service Videos

If you own or even run a business that attempts to sell some stuff. Customer service is a necessary evil. You’re going to need some training videos for the troops.

but customer service is fun !!!

Just The Facts

  1. The art of customer service requires some amount of patience you probably don't have
  2. It will go against your natural instinct to tell people off
  3. It will make you rethink your station in life

So you've decided to start a company! Good for you.

So you have decided to start your own business huh? Good for you. Are you exited? Of course you are , it's good old capitalism at its best right ? Imagine, Little tiny you trying to make it big ..........selling what exactly?

Tee-shirts? O.k. that could work. Kinda seems like everyone on Earth has already tried that, but its ok , you might still hit it big.

Do you have a store? Some inventory? Maybe some employees?

You do. Good. Good. Sounds like you are all set. Why exactly am I here?

Oh you want me to watch your training videos on customer service? Well I would be glad to! I'll have to take some time out of my busy day trying to win 50 bucks from . But for you? It's all good.

What was that? ........Nothing?........ Really, cuz it sounded like you muttered something under your breath about me being a total hack.

No? Alright then let's see what you've got here.

Step one, how to greet the customer.

Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh...... YES I'm watching ! You see me staring at the monitor don't you? Just because you clearly filmed this in your basement doesn't mean I'm not watching. Sheesh.

Ok well it seems to me that you really made it a point to stress eye contact and politeness in this video. That's certainly one way to go. I just don't think that it will work for ya kid.

Why not? Heh , Heh , Heh , oh you country rube . It's 2010 fella , people don't want to be greeted. They only want to be noticed. You may have people come into the store from time to time but it's only so they can show you how cool they look wearing a Bluetooth earpiece. They don't have time for your silly 1950s style Hellos and what not.

They are networking, and they want you to know it. If you ask me the only way to greet someone is to turn the music up in your store until you see that slightly confused and highly annoyed look creep over the customer's face. It lets them know you have technologies as well.

If they stay long enough to actually hang up the phone then you know they are here to buy something. If not, then you didn't need their business anyway. Besides you don't want to be out networked by someone on a cell phone do you?

Of course not! How do they know you don't have your Facebook and Myspace pages open while you stream music at the same time? You see what I am saying? Good, now show me your networking face.

you sir , are a natural

So what's next? What else you got?

Step two, helping the customer navigate the store

I'll be honest, I'm skeptical already. Let's see what you got.

Watching, watching, this is me watching .............Ok. Again, I see some problems here.

No, no, I'm not trying to harp on you. It's just that when I'm not working on my articles for I work in retail. So I know something about all this.

What now? .........Oh I thought you said something. Under your breath. About no talent bloggers. ....No? Hmmmm.

Anyway, this idea you have about helping the customers shop. Ya , no , it's good. But, your video shows an employee answering question after question about the product and the prices of said product.

Why is that bad? Well it just simply doesn't happen like that I'm afraid.

The majority of the people (if you can call them that) that come into your store will not have any interest in your product what so ever.

NO! THEY WON'T! I'm telling you, they don't care about your stuff. They simply want someone to talk to. Someone they can regale with they're unbelievable life stories. And if you think that they will satisfied with telling you once then you're wrong. Dead wrong.

just like that poor bastard

No, for the most part anybody who comes into the store can basically be put into one of two categories.

(1) - wants to yap your ear off or (2) can't wait to yap your ear off

In either circumstance you have a problem. They know you have nowhere to run and they know you are being paid not to tell them to piss off. They hit you with all manner of preposterous conversation of which you will have no say. You see, they are not even interested in your answers or your thoughts. They simply need an outlet to spew wild tales about how great they are and how much everyone else sucks compared to them.

What would I do? Well if I were you I would start practicing my " I am very busy with this computer that demands 100 % of my attention " look.

well done ! , you really ARE swamped !!

Is it a good plan? Well no, but it's your ONLY plan. The only thing these people understand is a prolonged silence. If you even so much as breath too loudly they will take it as a sign that you are interested and want more. Sounds a little callous don't it?

Yeah, well, after you have heard a 120 pound "man " tell you how he fought off 6 cops and then went BACK into the bar to grab up the hot waitress you will understand.

Wow, this has been tough hasn't it? I'm exhausted , want to go get a Chalupa ?

not 7 layer side order

No? Are you sure? ...............Wait, there's more! ? You're kidding me right ?

No? Well ok mister 9 to 5 let's see it.

How to deal with an irate customer

Oh you cannot be serious !

No. I am not going to watch it. Clearly you do not understand retail at all . You want to know how to deal with an irate customer?? It's called "NO REFUNDS " brainiack . You should look into it.

If you don't start treating the consumer like the self centered mal contents they are , you are going to be in for a long trip my man. Do yourself a favor, start drinking at work. It may just give you the edge you need to show up late.

Listen I don't have any more time for this. I've got to get back to the office. The big brass at needs my articles in a timely fashion. I've got to go.

What? What? No I heard you this time you little puke! You don't know who you're dealing with sister!

I an aspiring Cracked columnist! And I will not stand for your insubordination sir! I am going to spend the rest of my days hunting you down and ruining you!