Philippines

The Philippines is a group of 7107 magical islands that are 7107 times more awesome than that gay-tarded "Lost" island. Loaded with animals (read: monsters), jungles, cheap booze and smokes, snake-shit insane driving and adventure... or death.

Less then a fucking dollar!

Just The Facts

  1. In the P.I. Booze and smokes are cheaper then your vile, disease ridden mother.
  2. Jeepney drivers could not give two shits about saftey or laws.
  3. Filipinos are SERIOUS when it comes to malls.

Far, Far Ago. In a Land Long, Long Away

In 2007 I spent some time in the P.I. and had one hell of an adventure. One day, I hope I may return. I miss the country and fear it like the devil itself. I drank enough beer and rhum to put every 80's hair metal band to shame and experienced clinging to a petty cab or jeepney as the driver attempted an immelman.

That driver is probably doing 95mph and is preparing to jump a pit a fire and bears.

This island taught me madness. A Madness I can only hope to coherently share with you.

The Good

But what I expierienced there was something that could seriously only exist in southeast asia or a wild fever dream. I came to the country July 1st 2007 with $1000 American dollars to last me 30 days, fear pumped through my veins as to whether or not I would be able to make it. What I found was an exchange rate of 53 pesos to the dollar. Putting this in perspective, a carton of cigarettes for 150 pesos, a liter of beer for 26 pesos and a fith of the best rhum I have ever had for 50 pesos, I thought I had found where I belong, dare I say, my home. Upon further exploration I found that it wasn't just the booze and smokes that was cheap, but EVERYTHING. I suited up in 86 degree weather and marched my pasty ass into the finest resteraunt in Cebu and I went for broke, nothing was too fine, too out of reach, FUCK YOU! I AM RICH BITCH! My entire 5 course meal? 1000 pesos, that's 20 bucks for those of you playing the home game. 20 freakin' USD for a gourmet meal that would run an easy 100+ back home.

The next logical step from there was simple: Go to the local "coalition of retail establishments" and see if what if there were any extraordinary deals I could take full advantage of, like I did my prom date... wait, what? MegaMall it is a Mega fucking Mall. 5 face fucking stories of 1 mile long consumerism. This mall is so big that when grown-ass men get lost the only hope for rescue is to fire off a signal flare and pray someone sees it. Even the lesser malls, S&M and Great Mall, are fucking Galactimungus. Inside one of these grounded space stations you can count on finding no less then 3 arcades, 20 blank cd kiosks, 2 sears, 7 music entertainment stores, 2 books stores, 2 movie theaters, 3 different "as seen on TV" stores, an ever growing amount of clothing stores, 2 department stores, 2 grocery stores, really doubles of every store, half the cities population 45 food kiosks and at least 20 of those are waffle dog stands. Waffle dogs are the single greatest achievment man kind has ever and will ever develope. Corn dogs can't shake their own stick at waffle dogs. I would kill a man, in front of his mother for a waffle dog. I would gladly eat out Rosie O'donnell for a German Cheese-Frank Waffle Dog. Waffle dogs cost, and I shit you not, 5 pesos, 10 cents. Do you want to gaze into the tranquil eyes of true happiness? Behold, everything your God has failed to deliver.

The Bad

I know what your thinking at this point, "HOW MUCH? I NEED TO GO! NOW!?" But hold on. There is a dark side to the islands. More evil then the network executives who cancled Firefly and gave George Lopez a show. These evils are wheeled transportation and The Jolly Bee. Earlier I mentioned the blatant disreguard for human life all jeepney drivers posses, but here's the thing, the other mother fuckers out there, "driving" as they call it. It is absolute bedlam. Motorcycles on sidewalks, cars passing on the left INTO ON COMMING TRAFFIC, red lights are a sudggestion that the entire population laughs at, at noon you see a 2 lane road but at 5pm the same road is now 4 lanes! Driving in the P.I. is living Death Race 2000. Cars (expecially Jeepneys) will speed up at pedestrians to "encourage" them to get the fuck out the way, and make no mistake about it, they will hit you and never even think of breaking because, as I understand it, it is cheaper to kill the everlasting piss outta someone then injure them. I suspect booze is so cheap because the amount of courage required to cross the street can only be reached when you are 3 sheets to the wind. Even the huge busses will do 45 around winding mountain roads barely wide enough for a Geo Metro. I once traveled across Dumaguete by petty cab, which is like a motorcycle with a side car made up of lawn furnerature, and at one point on my trip the driver decided he would like to make a left hand turn across several lanes of on comming traffic. The driver literally threaded the needle between a couple jeepneys, petty cabs and other vehicles, all while managing to hit one of the craters they refer to as "potholes" popping the side car off the ground and forcefully voiding my bowels. After which he merely says "That was close, I didn't think we would make it." Never again will I take a petty cab anywhere, as long as I live. I should mention that jeepneys and petty cabs are notorius for fitting more people then possible on them.

As if the jeepneys and petty cabs weren't enough to worry about, the islands still posses a creature of pure evil, a bastion of hate, proof there can be no loving God. It is a beast of many names, The Desolate One, The Eater of Unborns, Beelze-Bee, but most recognizably, The Jolly Bee.

He will come for you and your loved ones in the night and do terrible things until you beg and pleade for the sweet release of death. Jollibee is a Filipino fast food joint that is rediculously popular. The food is good for when you are stupid drunk and need to chow down or for when you are feeling the need to shit dark matter. All of the "Yum Burgers" Jollibee offers taste incredibly sweet, I was told this is because Filipinos have a much sweeter palate then we in the U.S. Also each "Yum Burger" has everyones favorite, liquid cheese, on it. But to be perfectly fair, the "Chicken Joy" is pretty good, but then again, its hard to fuck up fried chicken. The main thing about Jollibee is not that it is awful food per se, it is the Bee itself. JUST LOOK AT THE COCKSUCKER! He hates you, he wants to use your soul as a jizz rag. His lifeless eyes cut through your very being. No known weapon can kill the Jolly Bee, and many brave men have met a horrible end trying to stop his symphony of onslaught. And we, my fellow Americans, are not safe. He has even spread out from the islands and has landed in America, OUR America. Daly City, San Francisco, San Jose, Vallejo, Concord, Los Angelas. The Jolly Bee has invaded California, who knows where he may move next.

The End

There you have it, a very miniscule list of the Rad and Nega-rad of the P.I. I would recommend forking over the $1400 to fly out there and expirience it yourself, it is a beautiful land filled with wonders that the Insane Clown Posse could not yet begin to explain and horrors that Fox Mulder would turn a blind eye too. It truly is a life changing expirience. But be forwarned, you will be treading on the mouth of madness and outside of the city, awaits myth and legends, burried deep in the jungle, a place this drunk dared not adventure. Some call me a coward, and it is to them I square my shoulders and hold my head high and exclaim:

"Fuck this, I'm out."