Immigration

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A new immigrant to America receives her ocular monitoring system.

Just The Facts

  1. When a person leaves their home and moves to a new country, it's called immigration.
  2. Since there is only one country in the world, this topic will focus on American immigration.
  3. People immigrate to America for a number of reasons, the most common one being that they aren't in America.

How To Immigrate To The US

Option One

1. Catch a plane to Central America

(12-36 hours, $1500)

2. Bribe Mexican drug lord to get you over the border

(2 days, $500)

3. Steal Social Security number from one of those people in the identity theft ads

(1 day, free)

4. AMERICA!

Option Two

1. File form I-140 to apply for a US employment visa

(3-6 months, $475)

2. You were blinking in one of the 16 passport photos you submitted. Resubmit.

(3 months, $50)

3. Interview arranged. Office is 600 miles from where you live

(1 month, $600)

4. Application approved. Unfortunately, in the meantime the company sponsoring you has gone out of business. Luckily for you, since you have already sold your house in your home country, one of your American ex-sponsors falls in love and agrees to marry you, and you start your K-1 visa process

(3-6 months, $600)

5. Your fiancee is now unemployed, and cannot prove her love for you in the only way the American government understands: earning power. She gets a job at Walmart, and you are eventually granted an interview.

(3 months, dignity)

6. Your interview is a success, and you fly to the US and marry your fiancee. You submit 3 new sets of forms to remind the government that you're here

(3-6 months, $1100)

7. The USCIS calls you to come to their office 200 miles away so they can take your fingerprints, in case you are a shapeshifter whose prints have morphed since they took them at the border

(six hours, $150)

8. You and your wife are called for a permanent residency interview at another office, 400 miles away. Unfortunately, at this point your new wife has lost all faith in her native government and flees to Canada, leaving you with your new joint credit card payments.

(1 week, $2000)

9. You give up and fake your own death.

(2 days, $3000)

10. You bribe a Mexican drug lord to steal a Social Security number for you.

(2 days, $500)

11. AMERICA!

New Immigrants to America

As a new immigrant to the United States, you have many challenges to overcome. These include:

  • Every person you meet detailing America's superiority over your home country, even the homeless guy in the Costco parking lot
  • Lack of electric kettles
  • Being attacked by bald eagles

There are advantages, though. For example, America is probably the only place in the world that deep fries its cheese.

And the only country that does this.

Dealing With New Immigrants

Occasionally, you may come across someone who was not born in America. They are usually distinguished by their shifty eyes, Lenin caps and thin, sickly bodies.

Above: A recent immigrant to America.

If someone tells you that they are not American, speak slowly and loudly to them to make sure they can understand you. Remember, where these people come from, strength is power. If they don't respond to you immediately, slap them around a little bit to gain their respect.

Also remember that America has more freedom than most other countries in the world. Demonstrate this freedom by confiding in the immigrant that you have a gun, and will use it if pushed.