Being scared is a great feeling, right? WRONG! Being truely scared isn't fun at all! However, horror, a genre that once terrified humanity to its very core, is now obselite, thanks to cliches that don't work anymore, but studios keep using!
There is something paticularly horrifying about children. They have small hands, capable of theft. They look like small versions of people you know. They might be midgets in disguise. However, above all this, they might be ghosts. There is a way to check this that no-one seems to bother trying in any horror movie we've seen. Picture this: you're alone in the house, you hear a child giggling upstairs. Understandably, you're annoyed, they might be stealing your things, so you go and investigate. Lo and behold, a small person is standing at the end of the hallway, staring at you through a curtain of hair. They begin to move towards you. You panic. Now, think. What does no-one do in horror movies to creepy kids? Oh, right. Kick them.
Pictured: Awesome Parenting
That's right, kick the crap out of them. It's most likely they are vagrants who have broken into your home in an attempt to obtain materials they can sell for crack and lego. If the kick lands and you break something, you can rest easy in the knowledge that you aren't being haunted by someones dumbass kid. If the kick doesn't land, well, you might want to back away, since the undead don't like it when people try to take them down with a roundhouse! Below, we see a test: The dancing man carries out an experiment to tell whether or not the child behind him is a spirit.
Results: Inconclusive but fucking hilarious
In another example, this eerie footage of what appears to be a interdimensional apparition turns out just to be a random child who is having a paticularly bad day.
Keep repeating it, it's never not funny
Worst Offender: The Ring series
Okay, we can take one or two ghost kids, that adds variety, but the same one showing up in five films, two tv series and three remakes? That's just lazy writing. Do they expect us to be terrified of a kid that appears more often than most of our relatives? Why not spice things up, introduce a ghost teacher to teach the ghost child the value of ghost life (or death?). Send her off to ghost college, where she has to join a ghost sorority and find true love in the form of a ghost boy.
Dreamworks, expect our script ASAP!
Under no circumstances should anyone walk around alone during:
The character is just asking for trouble by walking off on their own. Who the fuck do they think they are?
Okay, Buffy is an exception! She's a friggin vampire slayer!
Most of the time, it's a cheerleader/sorority girl who decides to go walkabouts when some bloke in a mask is running around with a machete, which really does lead to one question: After numerous people, including your friends, have been massacred by this asshole, what makes you think you're immune to his sharpened blade? Seriously, something is wrong with writers if they, for one second, believe that a lone character is going to play hide and seek with a serial killer when they could easily cross the street and hide with their neighbour until the police arrive.
Worst Offender: Scream series
We can understand that when a character is alone during a crisis, the tension rises for the audience. Yet when a series of films continues to employ this method in an attempt to frighten viewers, it becomes tedious and repetetive. How many times do we have to watch a dumbass teenager get their throat slit due to the fact that they can't accept that maybe the threatening phone calls aren't pranks? You would think they'd catch on after hearing about the films opening death scene.
It doesn't matter if you've trained for 80% of your life (back onto percentages), it doesn't matter if all you do it take part in racing events or cross country jogging, running will do you no good against a man in a long cloak wearing a vision obscuring mask. As Hollywood has shown us multiple times, walking is faster than running, paticularly when the running is clumsy and the victim in question is sobbing.
Dumb bitch be slower than Bruce Vilanch!
The rules of surviving a horror movie are rendered pointless when characters can't even grasp the concept of speed = survival!
Worst Offender: Tie Game between Halloween and Friday The 13th series
Yes, two film franchises have made this cut! Countless lives have been lost due to speed confusion. Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers seem to both have problems with movement. What we're trying to say is, they wouldn't run even if there was a sale on hatchets at the hardware store.
Of course, the characters in these films seem to have a similar problem. Here's our theory: Jason and Michael have known about their disabilities for some time. Therefore, they've worked around the problem. Walk slowly to ensure stability and balance. The victims obviously don't realise they can't move quickly without stumbling or tripping. Classic schoolboy error! To escape, move as slowly as the person stalking you, simple as that. They're not going to catch you, no matter how hard they try!